Wally with a Brolly

Commentators always like to use artistic comparisons. How many times have we heard a certain player being compared to Mozart? Or to a famous painter? I believe there even was a Brazilian player called Mozart at one point. Actually there was (thanks Wikipedia!) and the man was playing as a holding midfielder for Livorno. Wait: a Brazilian defensive midfielder playing in Italy, no way he'll have heard these comparisons (see Felipe Melo) . But I digress.

Mozart: should probably be known as 'Brazil's Stig Thomas Gravesen'. Now there's one appropriate comparison.

I've actually always understood these comparisons, to a certain extent. Watching Iniesta thread a through ball is enthralling and beautiful at the same time. Watching Messi single-handedly destroy Real Madrid a few times was just spectacular. I'm just surprised certain artists haven't been compared to yet. Why hasn't there been a mention of Damian Hirst when we talk about Andy Carroll? After all, both are over-expensive, over-hyped 'artists' who can't really control what should help them be world-class. Carroll can't control the ball with his feet (prejudicial in a footballer's career), Hirst can't trust his hands to draw to save his life (seemingly not so prejudicial in an artist's career).

I'm also surprised footballers haven't been compared to singers. For example, John Terry strikes me as the Akon of football. Nothing to do with sport or singing excellence, but their marital records are pretty impressive, in a certain sense.

Akon: Hip-Hop's John Terry.

I have decided to right this wrong, and with the Olympics coming along, I offer you the ultimate comparison: David Beckham as football's Paul McCartney. And you'll realise this is one apt contrast, especially as both have an Olympic twist to it.

This dawned on me as I read the Pulitzer-prize winning newspaper that is Metro. Apart from the 'articles' about London's favourite pets, a man who ate his own face and other shenanigans of particular importance, I was told that Paul McCartney was to head the closing of the opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympic Games.

And I was outraged. This is a man who has contributed nothing to English music since 1970 (date of the Beatles break-up) and who has been over-hyped, especially when many consider that George Harrison and John Lennon had much more impact on the Beatles themselves. What's more, it's not as if I can relate to a 70-year-old man whose latest album was named 'Kisses on the Bottom'. That, coupled with the man's incredible pomposity and pretension, made it hard for me to understand such a choice for the Olympics. And it's not like I was asking for something ridiculous like Jessie J or N-Dubz. I'm not English and I understand that people don't always watch the entire opening ceremony but it still seemed puzzling and borderline insulting to pick Paul McCartney. His last gig? The Queen's Jubilee. Wasn't that targeted at an audience of 85 year-olds? Exactly my point.

Eurgh

Now you either think that I'm going nowhere with this or you are insulted ("How dare you criticise him! He's a national icon).

But then a few days later, again in Metro (memo to self: just because it's free doesn't mean you should 'read' it), another 'article' caught my eye. Apparently Stuart Pearce had decided not to pick David Beckham as one of the three over-age players! And for 'footballing reasons'!

'I want to win the thing', said Psycho. And for that he was slated.

Pearce: Team GB's Roy Hodgson. Yes, we are milking the comparison thing

And the comparison just became clear.

Similar to McCartney, David Beckham produced at a world-class level quite a while ago. I personally think he was at his prime between 1999 and 2002. This means that he has done a grand total of nothing for the last 10 years. And no, winning the MLS doesn't count as an achievement in footballing terms (sorry Landon Donovan!).

Becks 'wins' the MLS Cup. Shame it's not a real trophy. On a sidenote, £10 to anyone who can name me 3 LA Galaxy players other than Robbie Keane, Becks and Donovan.

And world-class he was, especially considering the man was exceptional at only one thing. But he loved the drama too much and people only realised he was actually class when he performed in a special group.That is, after he left because his ego was too big. Do I actually need to name who I'm talking about? This statement applies to both.

After he left his group, he sort of became a one-man band with a cult following and public adoration totally unrelated to his performances.

For Beckham, this happened before and after the 2002 World Cup. Despite having a glorious team (fit Hargreaves, Scholes, Gerrard), England fans were more concerned about whether a one-trick pony of a right-midfielder (hardly the most essential cog in the machine), the team 'captain' (despite better and more able candidates), would be fit for the final. Just for kicks, Sir David pulled off the same trick in 2006. Both times this hoopla surrounding England destroyed the team, and his performances on the pitch were dire. Euro 2004 was also beautiful, with Golden Balls missing two crucial penalties against France and Portugal (and, just to be nasty, the man had produced a glorious penalty against Turkey in the play-offs). And yet, both times, his reputations was left unscathed.



As for McCartney, he subjected us to inane, uninteresting music which for me culminated in one of the most outrageous waste of musical talent in Ebony & Ivory, where the ex-Beatle dragged along Stevie Wonder for a disgustingly dire ballad. Dragging people down whilst keeping your reputation intact. Again, the comparison between Becks and Paul is so apt that I'm not sure exactly who I'm talking about again.

Ebony and Ivory: when Paul decided to bring Stevie down with him.

And the public adoration continues! Whilst there hasn't been particular outrage at the appointment of McCartney as the UK's singing representative in front of the whole world, people have been quick to criticise Stuart Pearce for not picking someone who participated so much in obtaining the Olympics in the first place.

If this ever was an argument for picking someone, then I'm guessing Sebastian Coe is making an incredible return to 800m running! Seriously guys.

And I know the term 'footballing reasons' has been incorrectly used lately (thanks Hodgson, JT and Rio) but for once this is a proper use of the term. Becks is 37 and has been 'playing football' in the MLS since 2007. You want to know the equivalent of playing in the MLS for 5 years once you're over 30 and then expecting to be picked? The best I can think of is when someone punches their boss, loses his company a ton of money and then re-applies for the same job at the same company, with the same boss. Ridiculous, right?

I realise that, rightly or wrongly (more right in McCartney's case), both are national icons. But is it so hard for them to retire quietly?

So thanks Stuart for starting that process with Becks. Now who can I contact to do the same for Paul?