Wally with a Brolly

It worked for Arsenal, so why shouldn't it for Newcastle? That seems to be the thinking for Alan Pardew and Graham Carr (Alan's dad) at the Sports Direct Arena (perversely I love typing that). There are now 10 French players in Geordie-land, which is a number even Arsène Wenger would find impressive.

Bonjour! Bienvenue à Nouveau Château:!

After all, if my maths are about right, here is what Newcastle have bought with just over €20m: five French players, but more importantly three internationals and one U-21 player. Now, when you look at the prices quoted for Wilfried Zaha, and the fact he's reportedly gone to Man Utd for £15m after scoring a grand total of 12 goals in 109 league games (also known as the 'Di Santo scoring rate'), you'll understand that Newcastle have done some good deals.

He's worth 7 Debuchys apparently. Good one.

Did I also mention that these five players cost much less than what Liverpool paid for Carroll? Or just about what they paid for Downing or Henderson? I guess I hadn't. Well here it is: Carroll freaking cost £35m. And you wonder if Newcastle know how to make good deals. Yawn. It's not like Shearer and/or Wise are running the club here. Serious people are at the club now. Even though Mike Ashley is still there. Great businessman, great belly. But I've got a feeling I'm getting carried away here, and that's not really the point of the article.

So Newcastle are only buying French players now. They're losing their Geordiness. I can hear people and the British press crying about it. I'll politely ask them to shut up.

People always question foreign players' loyalties. "They don't speak the language", or "they don't understand the local culture".

So let me set the record straight. Yes it's embarrassing when people move somewhere and still can't speak the language, especially when it's one as easy and universal as English. And yes, I'm thinking of people like Carlos Tevez, who apparently doesn't know what a 'constabulary' is, and probably doesn't know how to spell 'football'. But, in his case, I'm not sure he knows how to spell 'futebol' either. Just saying.



But yes it's embarrassing when football players join a club and still can't speak the local language. As embarrassing as, say, David Beckham naming his son Cruz when that's only a girl's name in Spain? Kudos for learning about the culture. And don't get me started on his Spanish. Apart from "dos tapas, por favor" and "gracias", I'm not sure Goldenballs knew anything about anything when he was at Real Madrid.

And perhaps English football fans should take a look more at themselves and their own players. There have been no successful British exports since Becks and Owen. That was a while ago and both stayed a short time. You're telling me Jermaine Pennant did ok at Zaragoza? I don't think they'd agree with you. Same for Chris Coleman at Sociedad. Oh boy.

"Can I go crossar the ballon on la derecha and try to score un gol por favor?"

And, call me harsh, but when you see English people abroad, then perhaps they don't have so much of a right to complain about foreign players struggling to adapt. You look at English people's inability to even try to learn the local language, even after years of living there. It's embarrassing.

I'm French, and my compatriots' accent can be a bit annoying, even though it has its advantages. Even listening to Wenger even though he's been here for 15 years can be a bit painful sometimes. But, having been back to France a number of times, I can tell you Olivier Giroud's slight accent is nothing compared to the embarrassment of English people who have lived in the South of France for years turning up to a boulangerie and going "Bonnejour, two baguettes please!". Horrendous. So that's that.

Secondly, let's stop talking about loyalties in football, especially when it comes to nationalities. Of course there are good chances a French player might not have the biggest affinity with Geordies when he comes to Newcastle. But neither does a Londoner, a Manc or a Scouse. Honestly.

So there we go. I had to make this point when hearing the criticism aimed at Newcastle and Alan Pardew. Wake up people, it's 2013. There are no more frontiers in football.

And now we'll have a look at the actual players Newcastle bought, and what they should be able to bring to a club seriously struggling at the moment.

MATHIEU DEBUCHY (£4.7m from Lille)

I've been on record before as saying this was one hell of a deal by Newcastle, potentially one of the best of the transfer window. Seriously.

Do you remember the right-back who tore Young and Cole apart at Euro 2012 for France? That was Debuchy. Do you like your right-back to be a good defender and a good attacking player? That's Debuchy.

Oh, and did I mention he's only 27 but has played more than 250 games for Lille? I guess I hadn't. Did I also mention that he comes from the same club as Cabaye? If I was a Newcastle fan I'd be giddy about this signing.

Debuchy: expect the same impact as Cabaye from the right-back spot. A great signing.

Sure, buying a right back for less than £5m isn't that exciting. Except when that player only cost £5m, is in the prime of his career and is (at least) of the same level as Glen Johnson. And he's a winner: he was an integral part of Lille's 2011 title run. He's certainly more of a winner than Mike Williamson or Danny Simpson. That's right, Geordies. It's time to get excited. You just bought yourself an international class right back for peanuts. Kudos.


MAPOU YANGA-MBIWA (€8m from Montpellier)
The most expensive player of the bunch, but maybe the one with the most upside and potential. Mapou (great name) became a regular for Montpellier when he turned 18, and learned his trade by playing everywhere across the back before finally settling in central defence by the time Montpellier found its way back into the top flight in 2009. Even more impressively, Mapou never lost his place in the team despipte the step up in the quality of the opposition.

Even though he's not necessarily the biggest for his position, Yanga-Mbiwa is quick, strong and very good in the air. He marshalled the Montpellier defence like a veteran last year, leading the club to its first Ligue 1 title and overcoming the odds largely in pre-Zlatan's PSG's favour.

With 186 league games for Montpellier under his belt, Champions League experience and already 3 caps in Didier Deschamps's new France squad, Yanga-Mbiwa is already experienced, even though he has sometimes shown lapses of concentration. But, still only 23, he also is clearly one for the future. A potential future (lesser) Marcel Desailly. That's how impressive the boy is. He was wanted by AC Milan at the end of last season. At €8m, he could be another steal. He's definitely not that risky a signing.

Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa: great name, potentially great signing.

Oh, and you'll love Alan Shearer and other 'pundits' trying to pronouce his name. If Merson can't pronounce Pogrebnyak correctly, what's he gonna do with Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa?

And if he fails? Well, he'll turn into another Jean-Alain Boumsong. And we all know that's entertaining.


YOAN GOUFFRAN (€2.5m from Bordeaux)
I'm a bit more sceptical about that one to be honest. There was a time when Yoan Gouffran was really highly rated in France. He was 20 and scoring for fun in Ligue 2 for Caen. He was also versatile as he could play down the wing if needs be. And Caen was (and is) always known as a good football school in France, so a lot of people were interested in his development.

This was even more so when Laurent Blanc's Bordeaux took Gouffran out of Caen. And then they stuck him on the wing. And he was god awful. Truly. As in 9 goals in his first 3 seasons. That included one season with 5. You do the maths for the other seasons. Shocking.

And then he made his way back into a central striker role. And he began doing ok. And, with 22 goals in 54 Ligue 1 matches since the start of the 2011/2012 season, he became respectable. Still not a great player in my book, and he's now 26 so I'm not sure if his career will really reach the heights some predicted in France for him.

But €2.5m means it's a small, risk-free investment. Low expectations but maybe big rewards is the way he seems to have been viewed by Newcastle. It could well work. Otherwise he'll fail and leave back for France, and Newcastle will have taken a minor hit. Win win.

Gouffran: low risk buy. Judging from his choice of coat, he might adapt to Newcastle relatively quickly.

MOUSSA SISSOKO (€2.5m from Toulouse)
The really tantalising one in the group. Still only 23, Moussa has accumulated over 183 Ligue 1 games for Toulouse since making his debut in 2007. As an all-action midfielder, he has the potential to become a Vieira-lite, or at least a better version than Abou Diaby.

Sure, he could score more goals (only 19 in Ligue 1) but he has proven himself at a high level and already has 5 caps for France. I'd even say his lack of goals is due to Alain Casanova's relatively conservative tactics at Toulouse, where the emphasis was always placed on the team maintaining a good, solid unit. In the wilderness that is the Premier League, with its laughable defences and wayward tactics, Sissoko could run riot.

Once again, let me emphasise how much of a steal he could prove to be at €2.5m. We're talking about a 23 year old international box to box midfielder. For €2.5m! Scary.

Sissoko: scary good signing. A typical box to box midfielder.

MASSADIO HAIDARA (€3.5m from Nancy)
He's perhaps the biggest gamble of the group. Still only 20 (since December!), Massadio has already played 46 Ligue 1 games since his debut at the age of 17 for Nancy. He's also got two U-21 caps.

So he's clearly one for the future. Quick, strong and loves to counter-attack, but the boy still lacks experience on how to be a top defender. He'll have his growing pains but he could be a steal, and he'll definitely provide a decent back-up to Davide Santon, who's showing signs of weariness. The boy is quite a physical speciment and loves to go up and down the left hand side.

Perhaps as importantly, Massadio knows what a relegation dogfight is. He did his apprenticeship at AS Nancy Lorraine which is the French equivalent of a relegation-bound Stoke. I just shivered typing that.

Haïdara will be fun, he might be comical at times, but he'll also have good games. He's one with the following seasons in mind, and at €3.5m he's another snip really.

Leaving French Stoke to go to Newcastle.