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Wednesday 27 February 2013
MVPs, LVPs and RVP
17:01 | 
Posted by
Bappo |
As an NBA fan, it's interesting to see the different approach pundits and fans in the US adopt towards their favourite sports. You'd be surprised at the amount of analysis going on in the U, S and A. It's quite staggering.
Of course the main honour in American sports is the MVP title, that of Most Valuable Player. So we thought we'd do things a bit differently here and analyse the Premier League season so far with a typical American analysis. It means we're going to grade and hand out an MVP and LVP (Least Valuable Player) to every team before coming out with an MVP list containing the 11 most important or impactful players in the Premier League (so far) this season.
Manchester United
Team Grade: A-. God it's hard to give anything less than an A to Man Utd. They have been the least convincing leaders in recent Premier League history, and yet all stats point to the exact opposite. Fergie's men have been ruthless, even if they have been distinctly average. It shows the average nature of the Prem as a league that such a team are way ahead. Without RVP, they would't be close to the top. Not when you've conceded 31 goals in 27 games. It looks ok now, but before Vidic's return, it was more like 31 in 23. Shocking defending and average midfield play have meant that Utd have been shaky leaders. They've profited from their rivals' incompetence more than been there due to their own brilliance. But that's nit-picking. With 11 games to go Man Utd have already won the title comfortably without breaking a sweat. Doesn't matter who you're up against, that's quite an achievement.
MVP: Who else but RVP? He's simply been phenomenal.
LVP: Nani. I know people want to jump on the Da Hair (De Gea) bandwagon, but that's bull. Nani, on the other hand, has been quite shocking. He's barely played and, when he has, he's simply looked disinterested. A far cry from the player who terrorised defences last year. He just edges Valencia (what's happened to him?) in the LVP stakes.
Manchester City
Team Grade: C+. I know, they're second in the table. But what a disgustingly disappointing defence of a title (and what an awesomely adequate alliteration!). Man City have never got going. They bought bad players for overinflated fees in the summer and then realised these guys were s**t. A club which seems constantly in turmoil with a manager who seems to either have it or look like a complete idiot. Man City have been a mess this season. It's a sad indictment of their season that their MVP is a right-back. Even though they haven't been that great defensively. Go figure. I'm not sure anyone can understand City.
MVP: Pablo Zabaleta. Simply because he's the player who cares the most (along with Kompany and Aguero) and has been superbly consistent. A very underrated performer. Nobody cares about Micah Richards anymore, for the simple good reason that Zabaleta is that good.
LVP: Samir Nasri. Lazy, arrogant, overrated and a coward. Need I say more? He's never lived up to his price tag. Kudos to Balotelli (who's lucky he's gone), Maicon, Hart, Javi Garcia and many others for putting up strong candidacies for the LVP title.
Tottenham
Team Grade: A-. AVB has bounced back from the dead and the shame of being sacked by Chelsea (he's in good company there though...). Even after being booed at half-time of his first Premier League game in charge, AVB simply let his work do the talking. His Tottenham sides are a pleasure to watch, and it's quite clear the players love their manager. He has allowed players like Caulker, Defoe and Sandro to express themselves whilst making some astute signings in Dembele and Lloris. AVB has even survived some ridiculous criticism (the Lloris-Friedel rift played out OK didn't it?) and given even more freedom to Bale. A team definitely on the up.
MVP: Gareth Bale. Nothing to add really.
LVP: Emanuel Adebayor. Because he's become a bit of a stereotype. Now that he's signed full time, he has looked disinterested and even pulled off the usual trick of returning late from the CAN. A headache who's failed to perform.
Chelsea
Team Grade: D. I'm actually quite lenient with that grade. Chelsea have been their usual selves: underwhelming on the pitch, despicable off it. We all knew, apart from the majority of Chelsea fans and pundits, that this was to be a year of transition. Some old warhorses are at the tail end of their contract, and the team is taking a new direction. But that hasn't justified the sacking of Di Matteo (even if he wasn't as good as people thoughtt) and the appointment of Potato Head, nor the disgusting allegations made against Mark Clattenburg and Lamps' and Terry's continued embarrassing behaviour. A club which does nothing to help itself. Stability is key in football and yet Chelsea never cease to amaze in the wrong way. Add to that Torres' woes and a lack of strategy and you've got yourself a club in turmoil. As usual with Chelsea. Same old, same old.
MVP: Juan Manuel Mata. One of the few players at that club (along with Cech and Ivanovic) you simply can't criticise. If Chelsea were clever enough they'd give the keys of the club to that man. Creative, brave, a hard worker, Mata is an ideal team-mate and leader, even if he's not vocal. John Terry might be vocal but he doesn't lead by example. Let Mata run this team please.
LVP: Fernando Torres/Jon Obi Mikel. The first one is there on merit. I doubt I've ever seen such a fall from grace when a player should be at the peak of his powers. As for Mikel, this LVP rewards him not only being s**t but also showing himself to be a true Blue: heinous accusations against a referee, and abysmal football. Kudos Jon Obi, the award is yours for years to come.
Arsenal
Team Grade: C+. It's becoming so boring to watch and follow Arsenal. Now we know that every season:
MVP: Santi Cazorla. Because he's been awesome, because he plays with a smile, and because Wilshere has been injured too long to get that reward. Cazorla has been Arsenal's creative maestro and has added 11 league goals to his name. not bad for a first season. The only thing which grates me is hearing Jamie Redknapp saying every week that he 'loves this little man'. Shut up Jamie.
LVP: Thomas Vermaelen. Hey, guy, you were meant to be the captain. Not the lazy centre-back only interested in scoring goals. You're no Pique, so stop trying to play like him. Vermaelen has been awful, just like the rest of the back four in all honesty. He just forgets to do the basics of defending well and he's gone downhill so quickly it's staggering. A special mention to the back four then, as well as Steve Bould. When things were going well, you took all the credits. Now you're hiding. Kudos.
Everton
Team Grade: B+. I remember when David Moyes said Everton was 'the people's club' in Liverpool. It's hard to argue against him. They go about their business in a quiet, efficient manner. And they boast some funky players. Who doesn't like Leighton Baines' awkward personality and 1970s rugby style sideburns? And what about Fellaini's hair? Glorious! Everton have actually changed things this season. Whilst they previously used to start slow and end the season strong, they've decided they prefer a mid-season stumble this time around. But they show a bit of everything: flair, power, strength, pace, technique. Everton has it all. And Goodison Park looks like one hell of a stadium on a rainy, dark winter's night. An underrated temple of football. Everton are going strong, with one of the best managers in the game. Things might be coming to an end on that front, so maybe it's time we appreciate them a bit more.
MVP: Leighton Baines. Simply superb. Everton's best attacking and defensive player. From left-back. Awesome.
LVP: Nikica Jelavic. Can you please get back to scoring now?
West Brom
Team Grade: A. Wait. What? West Brom are 6th. What the hell just happened? How did we get there? And that's down to an assistant manager and a Chelsea reject? What can I say about West Brom's season? They've been so clever about anything they've done, it's paid dividends. From being sneakily good in the transfer (Yacob for dirt cheap...the guy's an Argentina international!) or loan market (Lukakuuuuuu), Steve Clarke has confidently stepped in and added to a stable team. He's made the team a bit more fluid than under Roy Hodgson but he's kept the basics which already worked for West Brom. That means a solid defensive line and an enterprising team going forward. And don't forget the work rate. West Brom is now an established Premier League club. Kudos to them all.
MVP: Youssouf Mulumbu/Claudio Yacob. For all the fanfare surrounding Lukaku, Mulumbu and Yacob have been the main reasons why West Brom have flourished. A hard-working duo with surprising, underrated passing ability, the two holding midfielders have protected their back four with energy and been the linchpin of their side. They're probably why someone like James Morrison has been so good this year; he's had so much freedom thanks to those guys.
LVP: Peter Odemwingie. "Hey, I just drove here. And this is crazy. I'm in your car park. So sign me maybe." Idiot. In second place comes Liam Ridgewell. Just because I can.
Liverpool
Team Grade: C+. Liverpool are probably the Will.i.ams of the Premier League. Like the 'singer', they think they are better than they actually are due to past successes. They're in fact average (although I think Willi.i.am is rubbish) and have this sense of entitlement which annoys everyone. Take Will.i.am. When you hear him talk, you'd think he re-invented the wheel. No you didn't Wills. You simply sold out to electronic/dance music and became David Guetta's b***h. Same thing for Liverpool. When you hear from Rodgers you get the feeling he's come up with playing the Barcelona way. no you didn't Brendan. You weren't even the first one to do it in England. Wenger was. I'm only giving them a C+ because they'd be absolutely nowhere without Luis Suarez. Just like Will.i.am with Guetta.
MVP: Luis Suarez. Yes we hate him. But what a player. It seems like we've stopped that stupid "he's not a goalscorer" 'debate'. Idiots.
LVP: Fabio Borini. Whenever he's played he's looked like an Italian Heskey-lite. Poor touch, no goalscoring instinct, put out on the wing. He's been poor. We all knew it. But Brendan was arrogant enough to think he'd turn him into a world beater. Second spot goes to Joe Allen. He hasn't been as poor but he's the odd man out now. Guess this LVP award doesn't say much about Rodgers' transfer strategy. Just sayin'.
Swansea
Team Grade: A-. Hey, I just met you. But this crazy. So here's my number. Just call me maybe. I guess that's how Michael Laudrup felt when he realised Michu was going to sign. Because the success of the Big Dane's signings is not down to luck: it's down to an acute knowledge of La Liga, developed over years of coaching. It also displayed common sense. Let me see: do I want Pablo Hernandez, a highly-rated Spanish winger, for £5.5m, or do I want Lukas Podolski, an overrated German winger who failed at the only big club he's been, for £10m? And don't get me started on Borini. So no luck, just great judgment. Swansea have been superb. They've played great football, won the Random Sponsor Cup, and are comfortably in the top half of the Prem, in only their 2nd season at that level. It doesn't get much better than that. Did I also mention they have a player called Kid Flowers who possesses a quite magnificent unibrow? How can you not like this club and what they've achieved?
MVP: Michu. He's stolen the spotlight, but there have been many success stories. But at £2m, he's already the buy of the season. He's scored bucket loads of goals, whether as a central striker or as an attacking mid. Great player.
LVP: No-one. They've all played at a level higher than expected for a second season, and no-one has disappointed. You can't really say that about many clubs.
Stoke
Team Grade: C. I've never seen the film Mean Machine. To be honest, any film with Vinnie Jones in it just passes me by (except Snatch of course). But when I watch Stoke play, I get the feeling I'm watching Mean Machine. Lots of sweat, no skill involved, probably some blood, and at the end of the day they still get their results. Somehow I remember Mean Machine, but I'm guessing the majority of people have a) never watched it and/or b) forgotten about it. It'll be exactly the same when Stoke go down. We won't care any more. We don't care now, so nothing will change. Just to show I'm not that harsh, I will say that Tony Pulis, despite spending a surprising amount of money, has done well in keeping the club in the Premier League and making the Britannia a fortress. That's all I can say really. Stoke are kind of anonymous. They like it that way and they've got the results to show for it. Congrats?
MVP: Asmir Begovic. Because none of the outfield players deserve any credit for simply hoofing the ball. And because he's probably the best passer out of that lot.
LVP: Steven N'Zonzi. Because you disgust me. What's happened to you? You used to be quite good at Blackburn. You've played down to Stoke's level. Disappointing.
Fulham
Team Grade: C. Everyone's favourite second club just keep plodding along, nearly as anonymous as Stoke. Martin Jol has tried to get his team to play a more expansive game, but the loss of Dembele has hurt them deeply. It's meant that, due to Diarra's injuries, the big Dutchman has had to play Cam (Sidwell) and Giorgios Karagounis in midfield. This inherent weakness (Sidwell is a 'hard worker', i.e. he's crap, whilst Karagounis is 35) has meant that Fulham have been unable to supply Ruiz, Berbatov and Kacaniklic on a regular basis. What's been more surprising is the fact the defence has leaked so many goals. Hangeland and Hughes (legends) are getting old and slow, and it's clear Jol will turn to that area of the pitch in the summer to try and freshen things up. But Fulham are OK, and everybody's happy.
MVP: Sascha Riether. Who? Sascha's only at the club on loan since last summer, but he's played nearly every minute of every game and has provided sturdy defence with a strong attacking sense. Shame he's 29 and only here until the summer. An exciting right-back. Second place would go to Alex Kacaniklic, who has gone on to be a really exciting left-wing prospect after several loan spells last season. He's scored a few goals and has looked dangerous in a majority of the games. Well done, young sir.
LVP: Philippe Senderos/Hugo Rodallega. Because they're both on big money and neither of them looks like he has a clue what he's doing. Senderos is a disaster waiting to happen (reminiscent of Zat Knight) whilst Hugo Rodallega is just fat.
Norwich
Team Grade: B. I'm going to review Norwich exactly like I picture Delia Smith would. After getting rid of the excess fat (Paul Lambert), add some spice (Robert Snodgrass) but make sure you keep all those lovely flavours which were in the meat already (Wes Hoolahan, Russell Martin). Ensure you heat at the right temperature (Chris Hughton) and you'll have a delicious dish. OK that was bad but you get the picture. Norwich have been an extremely well-run club in the last few years. In Chris Hughton they've added a manager who doesn't need to bring in his own players on inflated fees (I'm looking at you Harry). He's continued the model started by Lambert and added some steel by bringing in Sebastien Bassong. After some difficult games at the start, Norwich are simply cruising towards a 3rd season in the Premier League. That's quite an achievement when you consider the money they've spent and the fact they do so by playing enterprising football. A very likeable club.
MVP: Robert Snodgrass. It was a close call between him and Hoolahan, but Snodgrass has taken to the Premier League like a duck to water. He's been a constant threat and a source of creativity down whichever flank he plays. And he's scored a few important goals. A very underrated player.
LVP: Grant Holt. Because he's proven to be this season what we all thought he would be last year: a fat, bumbling striker. And I didn't appreciate his pseudo-transfer request when Hughton joined the club. Talk about loyalty Grant. Maybe you'd like to head back to Rochdale? What an ungrateful guy.
Newcastle
Team Grade: C-. This would have been a D if they hadn't bought well in the January transfer window. Newcastle have been poor, unable to keep clean sheets and playing without continuity. Injuries have obviously played a major part, but so did the lack of planning. We all knew Coloccini (overrated), Williamson and Taylor couldn't keep up that level that they played at last season, so it was no surprise to see the Magpies struggle. There's only so much Tim Krul can do you know. But, with the arrival of Sissoko, Debuchy and co, as well as the return to full fitness of Yohan Cabaye, things are looking up for Newcastle. Expect them to finish strong and do better next season.
MVP: Tim Krul. A constant reassuring presence in goal this season
LVP: Fabricio Coloccini. Overrated. And his hair isn't better than Philippe Albert's moustache.
West Ham
Team Grade: C. West Ham are the Sylvester Stallones of the Premier League. When you see Sly, you think: why are you still 'acting' in action films? Seriously man, you're old. West Ham are the same. When you have midfielders like Mark Noble, Jack Collison and Matt Jarvis, why do you persist in playing the long ball game? I thought you brought Yossi Benayoun to stop that. But no, you keep bringing long-ball donkey strikers to the club and keep playing the long ball. Just like Stallone, it's getting tiresome and it's making us forget your glorious past (Rocky). Cut it out Big Sam and change your ways. Otherwise, West Ham have actually done OK, even if they've had quite a blip recently which has seen them dragged down towards the relegation zone. It's getting dangerous now for them but they should survive. Not so bad for a promoted club. Better than Stallone's box office numbers, that's for sure.
MVP: Mark Noble. Because he's the only guy trying to pass the ball around the pitch rather than in the hair. Must suffer from neck contusions.
LVP: James Tomkins. Has always looked like a White Titus Bramble to me, and he's proven it this year. Sometimes makes Winston Reid look like w world beater. Now that's saying something. Seocnd place goes to Alou Diarra for showing absolutely nothing during 6 months, crying like a little girl (harsh on little girls) and then leaving for Rennes. Awful.
Sunderland
Team Grade: D. Yawn. Seriously. Yawn. Who cares about Sunderland? I should really. I love Martin O'Neill. But something just isn't attractive with Sunderland. maybe it's the fact they play such an average, unexciting style of play. After a summer of decent spending, you would have expected something better from a front line containing Johnson, Sessegnon and McClean supporting Fletcher. Lo and behold, McClean looks like he was just a 1/2 a season wonder, whilst people have finally realised why Adam Johnson never played for Man City. The other side of the pitch isn't better either, with Bramble somehow still being in the Prem and John O'Shea being, for the first time, a starter for his club. That all stinks of mediocrity, and it's no surprise they're where they are.
MVP: Simon Mignolet. Monsieur Dependable. The only reason Sunderland aren't further down the table.
LVP: Adam Johnson. Now we all know why Bobby Mancini never played him. Lazy, selfish, uninspiring. Note: This applies to all members of Sunderland's frontline except Steven Fletcher.
Southampton
Team Grade: B-. Now here's a team I respect. They went up to the Prem playing the right way and, unlike QPR and others before them, have stuck with the majority of players who led them out of the Champo. Lambert, Lallana, Schneiderlin, Hooiveld, Shaw (youth team) and Cork were all there last year. That's exactly how you build a club. They even managed to ride out the Adkins fiasco, but they have emerged with a young up and coming European manager who'll fit in well with the ethos of the club. If they stay up, then Southampton will build on this and maybe do a Swansea. Let's hope they do stay up. We need more teams like the Saints. If only for seeing Le Tiss proud as a peacock on Soccer Saturday.
MVP: Morgan Schneiderlin. The man doing the dirty work. There's a big reason Southampton have looked more assured at the back than at the start of the season. No, it's not due to Jose Fonte and Yoshida. It's due to Schneiderlin's never-say-die attitude, his marking and all-round effort. And he's come up with a few goals.
LVP: Jos Hooiveld. I've lost count of the number of own goals next to Jos' name. Seriously. I've lost track. Is that 4 or 5? Enough said. Kelvin Davis can count himself lucky that Hooiveld has been so bad. And I'm also looking at you Fonte, Yoshida and Gazzanigga. These guys simply aren't of Premier League standard.
Wigan
Team Grade: C A C is about as neutral as it gets, and that's the definition of Wigan right there. Somehow, Dave Whelan's club keeps going. We all know they play decent football and play 3-5-2, but they don't really arouse any passions in anyone. Even in Wigan fans. Where are those guys? Their stadium is always half-empty. Sad. Why would you go watch god damn rugby league? I'll never understand those guys. Anyway, Wigan are battling it out to escape relegation. They concede lots of goals, don't score too many, and have a collection of funky foreign players, including Franco 'deflected goals count' di Santo. What's not to like?
MVP: Arouna Koné. Because he's a such a mazy runner, he never seems to know what to do, but he's still managed to score 8 goals in the Prem this season. Not too shabby.
LVP: Antonin Alcaraz. Apparently he's the team's vice-captain. He's also one of the Premier League's worst centre backs.
Aston Villa
Team Grade: E. How the mighty have fallen. Under O'Neill, and even under Gregory way before him (where is he now?), Villa were an exciting team, always producing up and coming youngsters and playing an attractive, albeit direct, style of football. Thanks to McLeish and now to Lambert, that's over for now. Let's be honest; it was never going to be an easy task recovering from the mess that was Big Alec's tenure, but Lambert has made some mistakes himself. It's fair enough to try and blood youngsters, but you've got to make sure they're of required Premier League standard. Unfortunately, the Lichajs, Bannans, Herds, Bakers and Clarks clearly aren't of a good enough level. Should I add 'yet' and hope they'll make it? I doubt it. It's no mistake Villa are in the relegation zone with the team they possess. If not for Benteke they'd be down there with QPR, out of sight of salvation. But they're still in with a shout, and maybe if they barely survive then change will happen at the club. Villa really needs it.
MVP: Christian Benteke. Villa would be dead without him. Strong, quick, with two good feet. Shame he can't mark people at corners.
LVP: Charles N'Zogbia. What's happened to you? It was fine blaming McLeish before, but now there are no more excuses. You've simply been rubbish.
Reading
Team Grade: B-. Reading have followed the same template as Southampton, except they've gone even further. They have literally bought no-one and are hoping to stay up with a bunch of Championship players. And yet they might just pull it off. It's been an extraordinary season from McDermott and his boys when you consider that Le Fondre was playing for Rotherham in 2011, Sean morrison just signed from Huddersfield and Mariappa and McAnuff (captain) had never played above the Champo. Even Jimmy Kebe had never played in Ligue 1. And yet, despite many setbacks, they have quietly gone about their business, always with the stoic and likeable McDermott at the helm. If ever a team deserved to stay up for showing confidence in their players, it's Reading. It's just a shame there's a distinct lack of quality at the club. But, whatever happens, Reading will keep going with their heads held up high. That's more than many clubs around them can say.
MVP: Adam Le Fondre. Adam The Thunder ('Foudre" in French is thunder. Close enough) never starts, and never really seems to set the world alight. But he knows where the goal is. And he has a knack of knowing right at the end of games. And yet he never complains. Happy to see a much leaner version of Grant Holt do well.
LVP: Danny Guthrie. You were meant to help Reading's midfield after playing well for Newcastle. And all you've done is get into a row with the loveable McDermott (yes, loveable) because you were dropped to the bench. Disgraceful.
QPR
Team Grade: F. I'm going to go all cinematic on you once again. QPR are the Premier League's football version of The Spirit. I remember seeing ads for that film. It looked like it had that Sin City feel, and it had a strong cast. A home run right (damn I'm really becoming American!)? You couldn't be more wrong. The Spirit was appalling. I remember people leaving the cinema 45 minutes in. I actually had to apologise to my friends for insisting on going to the cinema to watch that travesty of a film. It was that bad. QPR have been exactly the same. We thought they'd bought some decent Premier League experience and had learned from their mistakes. But they obviously have not. Adding Harry Redknapp is like casting Samuel L Jackson. You know Samuel L is not an actor: he just plays Samuel L. Same thing for Redknapp. A leopard doesn't change his spots. No wonder QPR are in a mess.
MVP: Julio Cesar. He's the only one who plays to his level. If not for him, we'd have Rob Green picking the ball out of his net every 5 minutes. Think on that for a while.
LVP: Tony Fernandes. He's nearly single-handedly destroyed the club. And then he'll leave when the club will be destroyed. A careless man at best, an idiot at worse.
THE MVP RACE
Just for the sake of clarity, the MVP List is not based on who the best player is. It's based on players who have had the most impact on the league and their team, whether through their presence or (sometimes) through their absence. Feel free to disagree. It's obviously very subjective.
1. Robin Van Persie - Man Utd's leader and the best striker in the country by a country mile. 24 games, 19 goals and countless assists. He's the MVP leader by far. He's been doing it all season long.
2. Gareth Bale - Constantly growing in stature, the electrifying Welshman has added even more goals to his name, and important ones at that. An immense player but, unlike Van Persie, he hasn't done it all year long.
3. Luis Suarez - And people thought he wasn't a natural goalscorer. Sure, he's a despicable individual, but Suarez knows where the goal is. He carried Liverpool on his shoulders for the first half of the season and should relax a bit more now he'll have more space with Sturridge in the side.
4. Leighton Baines - The best left-footed crosser of the ball in the country, and slowly becoming the best left-back as well. The little ex-Wigan player has an incredible impact on every game when you consider his position on the pitch. And he's added goals as well. Quite an impressive season.
5. Michu - He's seemingly come out of nowhere (not if you followed La Liga last season) to become one of the most feared yet strangely hype-free players in the league. 15 goals in the Prem in your first season is nothing to laugh at. An inspired signing, and a man with a great work ethic.
6. Christian Benteke - Maybe the only Premier League quality player at Aston Villa this season. The young Belgian has carried the team on his back. As he goes, so does Villa go.
7. Michael Carrick - Don't laugh. Carrick has been the only midfielder worthy of constant praise this season for United. He's directed play from deep, defended on his feet and enabled Cleverley to bomb forward thanks to his protection. An incredibly underrated player.
8. Jack Wilshere - Oh how Arsenal fans must wish he'd been there all season. Wilshere has been scintillating since he's been back from injury. He's been creative, hard-working and has always provided an outlet going forward. Had he started the season fit, he'd be higher up the rankings.
9. Vincent Kompany - His absence has been so damaging to Man City that you really understand his influence now. A beast at the back and a magnificent leader. He's been sorely missed. The only world-class defender in the Premier League at the moment.
10. Juan Manuel Mata - He's been an ever-present in Chelsea's team and the only one of the Three Amigos to live up to his reputation. Whether it's creating or scoring goals, Mata has achieved a level of consistency which few attacking midfielders can claim. This year's David Silva.
11. Yohan Cabaye - A transformational presence when he's on the pitch. When he plays, Newcastle look like a top-6 side. Without him, they're clueless. His injuries have cost the Magpies a lot of points this season.
Of course the main honour in American sports is the MVP title, that of Most Valuable Player. So we thought we'd do things a bit differently here and analyse the Premier League season so far with a typical American analysis. It means we're going to grade and hand out an MVP and LVP (Least Valuable Player) to every team before coming out with an MVP list containing the 11 most important or impactful players in the Premier League (so far) this season.
Manchester United
Team Grade: A-. God it's hard to give anything less than an A to Man Utd. They have been the least convincing leaders in recent Premier League history, and yet all stats point to the exact opposite. Fergie's men have been ruthless, even if they have been distinctly average. It shows the average nature of the Prem as a league that such a team are way ahead. Without RVP, they would't be close to the top. Not when you've conceded 31 goals in 27 games. It looks ok now, but before Vidic's return, it was more like 31 in 23. Shocking defending and average midfield play have meant that Utd have been shaky leaders. They've profited from their rivals' incompetence more than been there due to their own brilliance. But that's nit-picking. With 11 games to go Man Utd have already won the title comfortably without breaking a sweat. Doesn't matter who you're up against, that's quite an achievement.
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| "I'm so laid back cos I've barely had to coach this year." |
MVP: Who else but RVP? He's simply been phenomenal.
LVP: Nani. I know people want to jump on the Da Hair (De Gea) bandwagon, but that's bull. Nani, on the other hand, has been quite shocking. He's barely played and, when he has, he's simply looked disinterested. A far cry from the player who terrorised defences last year. He just edges Valencia (what's happened to him?) in the LVP stakes.
Manchester City
Team Grade: C+. I know, they're second in the table. But what a disgustingly disappointing defence of a title (and what an awesomely adequate alliteration!). Man City have never got going. They bought bad players for overinflated fees in the summer and then realised these guys were s**t. A club which seems constantly in turmoil with a manager who seems to either have it or look like a complete idiot. Man City have been a mess this season. It's a sad indictment of their season that their MVP is a right-back. Even though they haven't been that great defensively. Go figure. I'm not sure anyone can understand City.
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| Memo to Bob: If Rodwell is meant to be 'the next Rio Ferdinand', why has he always played in midfield? Meanwhile, Scott Sinclair doesn't bother coming for the photographs. If he doesn't care about his football career, why should anyone else care? |
MVP: Pablo Zabaleta. Simply because he's the player who cares the most (along with Kompany and Aguero) and has been superbly consistent. A very underrated performer. Nobody cares about Micah Richards anymore, for the simple good reason that Zabaleta is that good.
LVP: Samir Nasri. Lazy, arrogant, overrated and a coward. Need I say more? He's never lived up to his price tag. Kudos to Balotelli (who's lucky he's gone), Maicon, Hart, Javi Garcia and many others for putting up strong candidacies for the LVP title.
Tottenham
Team Grade: A-. AVB has bounced back from the dead and the shame of being sacked by Chelsea (he's in good company there though...). Even after being booed at half-time of his first Premier League game in charge, AVB simply let his work do the talking. His Tottenham sides are a pleasure to watch, and it's quite clear the players love their manager. He has allowed players like Caulker, Defoe and Sandro to express themselves whilst making some astute signings in Dembele and Lloris. AVB has even survived some ridiculous criticism (the Lloris-Friedel rift played out OK didn't it?) and given even more freedom to Bale. A team definitely on the up.
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| "I like you, you like me, we're a happy family" |
MVP: Gareth Bale. Nothing to add really.
LVP: Emanuel Adebayor. Because he's become a bit of a stereotype. Now that he's signed full time, he has looked disinterested and even pulled off the usual trick of returning late from the CAN. A headache who's failed to perform.
Chelsea
Team Grade: D. I'm actually quite lenient with that grade. Chelsea have been their usual selves: underwhelming on the pitch, despicable off it. We all knew, apart from the majority of Chelsea fans and pundits, that this was to be a year of transition. Some old warhorses are at the tail end of their contract, and the team is taking a new direction. But that hasn't justified the sacking of Di Matteo (even if he wasn't as good as people thoughtt) and the appointment of Potato Head, nor the disgusting allegations made against Mark Clattenburg and Lamps' and Terry's continued embarrassing behaviour. A club which does nothing to help itself. Stability is key in football and yet Chelsea never cease to amaze in the wrong way. Add to that Torres' woes and a lack of strategy and you've got yourself a club in turmoil. As usual with Chelsea. Same old, same old.
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| It's continuously rained on Torres' and Chelsea's parade. |
MVP: Juan Manuel Mata. One of the few players at that club (along with Cech and Ivanovic) you simply can't criticise. If Chelsea were clever enough they'd give the keys of the club to that man. Creative, brave, a hard worker, Mata is an ideal team-mate and leader, even if he's not vocal. John Terry might be vocal but he doesn't lead by example. Let Mata run this team please.
LVP: Fernando Torres/Jon Obi Mikel. The first one is there on merit. I doubt I've ever seen such a fall from grace when a player should be at the peak of his powers. As for Mikel, this LVP rewards him not only being s**t but also showing himself to be a true Blue: heinous accusations against a referee, and abysmal football. Kudos Jon Obi, the award is yours for years to come.
Arsenal
Team Grade: C+. It's becoming so boring to watch and follow Arsenal. Now we know that every season:
a) Arsenal start saying the right things
b) They'll screw up
c) Arsene will be blamed
d) Fans will become even more impatient
e) It will all end the way it started: with disappointment and a sudden burst of hope ("We've got Wilshere and Walcott!")
Arsenal are consistently inconsistent. But this has truly felt like the end of an era. Perhaps it's Wenger losing his sense in press conferences and making even less sense than usual. Perhaps it's the fact that Thomas Vermaelen and Koscielny have both become worse than Mertesacker. Perhaps it's Arsenal finally breaking the bank for a truly average winger. All this stinks. And the fact that Arsenal don't even play such great football any more makes it all worse. Sad times at a great club.
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| An appropriate symbol of Wenger, Gazidis and everyone involved with Arsenal. |
LVP: Thomas Vermaelen. Hey, guy, you were meant to be the captain. Not the lazy centre-back only interested in scoring goals. You're no Pique, so stop trying to play like him. Vermaelen has been awful, just like the rest of the back four in all honesty. He just forgets to do the basics of defending well and he's gone downhill so quickly it's staggering. A special mention to the back four then, as well as Steve Bould. When things were going well, you took all the credits. Now you're hiding. Kudos.
Everton
Team Grade: B+. I remember when David Moyes said Everton was 'the people's club' in Liverpool. It's hard to argue against him. They go about their business in a quiet, efficient manner. And they boast some funky players. Who doesn't like Leighton Baines' awkward personality and 1970s rugby style sideburns? And what about Fellaini's hair? Glorious! Everton have actually changed things this season. Whilst they previously used to start slow and end the season strong, they've decided they prefer a mid-season stumble this time around. But they show a bit of everything: flair, power, strength, pace, technique. Everton has it all. And Goodison Park looks like one hell of a stadium on a rainy, dark winter's night. An underrated temple of football. Everton are going strong, with one of the best managers in the game. Things might be coming to an end on that front, so maybe it's time we appreciate them a bit more.
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| "You're fine Marouane, but Jelavic and Jagielka need to liven up. Their hair is horribly bland." |
MVP: Leighton Baines. Simply superb. Everton's best attacking and defensive player. From left-back. Awesome.
LVP: Nikica Jelavic. Can you please get back to scoring now?
West Brom
Team Grade: A. Wait. What? West Brom are 6th. What the hell just happened? How did we get there? And that's down to an assistant manager and a Chelsea reject? What can I say about West Brom's season? They've been so clever about anything they've done, it's paid dividends. From being sneakily good in the transfer (Yacob for dirt cheap...the guy's an Argentina international!) or loan market (Lukakuuuuuu), Steve Clarke has confidently stepped in and added to a stable team. He's made the team a bit more fluid than under Roy Hodgson but he's kept the basics which already worked for West Brom. That means a solid defensive line and an enterprising team going forward. And don't forget the work rate. West Brom is now an established Premier League club. Kudos to them all.
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| Lukaku and Yacob: the dynamos in West Brom's rise. |
MVP: Youssouf Mulumbu/Claudio Yacob. For all the fanfare surrounding Lukaku, Mulumbu and Yacob have been the main reasons why West Brom have flourished. A hard-working duo with surprising, underrated passing ability, the two holding midfielders have protected their back four with energy and been the linchpin of their side. They're probably why someone like James Morrison has been so good this year; he's had so much freedom thanks to those guys.
LVP: Peter Odemwingie. "Hey, I just drove here. And this is crazy. I'm in your car park. So sign me maybe." Idiot. In second place comes Liam Ridgewell. Just because I can.
Liverpool
Team Grade: C+. Liverpool are probably the Will.i.ams of the Premier League. Like the 'singer', they think they are better than they actually are due to past successes. They're in fact average (although I think Willi.i.am is rubbish) and have this sense of entitlement which annoys everyone. Take Will.i.am. When you hear him talk, you'd think he re-invented the wheel. No you didn't Wills. You simply sold out to electronic/dance music and became David Guetta's b***h. Same thing for Liverpool. When you hear from Rodgers you get the feeling he's come up with playing the Barcelona way. no you didn't Brendan. You weren't even the first one to do it in England. Wenger was. I'm only giving them a C+ because they'd be absolutely nowhere without Luis Suarez. Just like Will.i.am with Guetta.
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| Brendan Rodgers (left) and Luis Suarez. |
MVP: Luis Suarez. Yes we hate him. But what a player. It seems like we've stopped that stupid "he's not a goalscorer" 'debate'. Idiots.
LVP: Fabio Borini. Whenever he's played he's looked like an Italian Heskey-lite. Poor touch, no goalscoring instinct, put out on the wing. He's been poor. We all knew it. But Brendan was arrogant enough to think he'd turn him into a world beater. Second spot goes to Joe Allen. He hasn't been as poor but he's the odd man out now. Guess this LVP award doesn't say much about Rodgers' transfer strategy. Just sayin'.
Swansea
Team Grade: A-. Hey, I just met you. But this crazy. So here's my number. Just call me maybe. I guess that's how Michael Laudrup felt when he realised Michu was going to sign. Because the success of the Big Dane's signings is not down to luck: it's down to an acute knowledge of La Liga, developed over years of coaching. It also displayed common sense. Let me see: do I want Pablo Hernandez, a highly-rated Spanish winger, for £5.5m, or do I want Lukas Podolski, an overrated German winger who failed at the only big club he's been, for £10m? And don't get me started on Borini. So no luck, just great judgment. Swansea have been superb. They've played great football, won the Random Sponsor Cup, and are comfortably in the top half of the Prem, in only their 2nd season at that level. It doesn't get much better than that. Did I also mention they have a player called Kid Flowers who possesses a quite magnificent unibrow? How can you not like this club and what they've achieved?
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| Call me |
MVP: Michu. He's stolen the spotlight, but there have been many success stories. But at £2m, he's already the buy of the season. He's scored bucket loads of goals, whether as a central striker or as an attacking mid. Great player.
LVP: No-one. They've all played at a level higher than expected for a second season, and no-one has disappointed. You can't really say that about many clubs.
Stoke
Team Grade: C. I've never seen the film Mean Machine. To be honest, any film with Vinnie Jones in it just passes me by (except Snatch of course). But when I watch Stoke play, I get the feeling I'm watching Mean Machine. Lots of sweat, no skill involved, probably some blood, and at the end of the day they still get their results. Somehow I remember Mean Machine, but I'm guessing the majority of people have a) never watched it and/or b) forgotten about it. It'll be exactly the same when Stoke go down. We won't care any more. We don't care now, so nothing will change. Just to show I'm not that harsh, I will say that Tony Pulis, despite spending a surprising amount of money, has done well in keeping the club in the Premier League and making the Britannia a fortress. That's all I can say really. Stoke are kind of anonymous. They like it that way and they've got the results to show for it. Congrats?
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| Tony Pulis leads his team out at the Britannia. Notice an especially chubby Andy Wilkinson on the left hand side. |
MVP: Asmir Begovic. Because none of the outfield players deserve any credit for simply hoofing the ball. And because he's probably the best passer out of that lot.
LVP: Steven N'Zonzi. Because you disgust me. What's happened to you? You used to be quite good at Blackburn. You've played down to Stoke's level. Disappointing.
Fulham
Team Grade: C. Everyone's favourite second club just keep plodding along, nearly as anonymous as Stoke. Martin Jol has tried to get his team to play a more expansive game, but the loss of Dembele has hurt them deeply. It's meant that, due to Diarra's injuries, the big Dutchman has had to play Cam (Sidwell) and Giorgios Karagounis in midfield. This inherent weakness (Sidwell is a 'hard worker', i.e. he's crap, whilst Karagounis is 35) has meant that Fulham have been unable to supply Ruiz, Berbatov and Kacaniklic on a regular basis. What's been more surprising is the fact the defence has leaked so many goals. Hangeland and Hughes (legends) are getting old and slow, and it's clear Jol will turn to that area of the pitch in the summer to try and freshen things up. But Fulham are OK, and everybody's happy.
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| Underrated Sascha Riether |
MVP: Sascha Riether. Who? Sascha's only at the club on loan since last summer, but he's played nearly every minute of every game and has provided sturdy defence with a strong attacking sense. Shame he's 29 and only here until the summer. An exciting right-back. Second place would go to Alex Kacaniklic, who has gone on to be a really exciting left-wing prospect after several loan spells last season. He's scored a few goals and has looked dangerous in a majority of the games. Well done, young sir.
LVP: Philippe Senderos/Hugo Rodallega. Because they're both on big money and neither of them looks like he has a clue what he's doing. Senderos is a disaster waiting to happen (reminiscent of Zat Knight) whilst Hugo Rodallega is just fat.
Norwich
Team Grade: B. I'm going to review Norwich exactly like I picture Delia Smith would. After getting rid of the excess fat (Paul Lambert), add some spice (Robert Snodgrass) but make sure you keep all those lovely flavours which were in the meat already (Wes Hoolahan, Russell Martin). Ensure you heat at the right temperature (Chris Hughton) and you'll have a delicious dish. OK that was bad but you get the picture. Norwich have been an extremely well-run club in the last few years. In Chris Hughton they've added a manager who doesn't need to bring in his own players on inflated fees (I'm looking at you Harry). He's continued the model started by Lambert and added some steel by bringing in Sebastien Bassong. After some difficult games at the start, Norwich are simply cruising towards a 3rd season in the Premier League. That's quite an achievement when you consider the money they've spent and the fact they do so by playing enterprising football. A very likeable club.
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| "And this is how you make a good, old fashioned stir fry. Grant loves those." |
MVP: Robert Snodgrass. It was a close call between him and Hoolahan, but Snodgrass has taken to the Premier League like a duck to water. He's been a constant threat and a source of creativity down whichever flank he plays. And he's scored a few important goals. A very underrated player.
LVP: Grant Holt. Because he's proven to be this season what we all thought he would be last year: a fat, bumbling striker. And I didn't appreciate his pseudo-transfer request when Hughton joined the club. Talk about loyalty Grant. Maybe you'd like to head back to Rochdale? What an ungrateful guy.
Newcastle
Team Grade: C-. This would have been a D if they hadn't bought well in the January transfer window. Newcastle have been poor, unable to keep clean sheets and playing without continuity. Injuries have obviously played a major part, but so did the lack of planning. We all knew Coloccini (overrated), Williamson and Taylor couldn't keep up that level that they played at last season, so it was no surprise to see the Magpies struggle. There's only so much Tim Krul can do you know. But, with the arrival of Sissoko, Debuchy and co, as well as the return to full fitness of Yohan Cabaye, things are looking up for Newcastle. Expect them to finish strong and do better next season.
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| Je supporte Nouveau Chateau |
MVP: Tim Krul. A constant reassuring presence in goal this season
LVP: Fabricio Coloccini. Overrated. And his hair isn't better than Philippe Albert's moustache.
West Ham
Team Grade: C. West Ham are the Sylvester Stallones of the Premier League. When you see Sly, you think: why are you still 'acting' in action films? Seriously man, you're old. West Ham are the same. When you have midfielders like Mark Noble, Jack Collison and Matt Jarvis, why do you persist in playing the long ball game? I thought you brought Yossi Benayoun to stop that. But no, you keep bringing long-ball donkey strikers to the club and keep playing the long ball. Just like Stallone, it's getting tiresome and it's making us forget your glorious past (Rocky). Cut it out Big Sam and change your ways. Otherwise, West Ham have actually done OK, even if they've had quite a blip recently which has seen them dragged down towards the relegation zone. It's getting dangerous now for them but they should survive. Not so bad for a promoted club. Better than Stallone's box office numbers, that's for sure.
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| Revenge never gets old, long ball football does. |
MVP: Mark Noble. Because he's the only guy trying to pass the ball around the pitch rather than in the hair. Must suffer from neck contusions.
LVP: James Tomkins. Has always looked like a White Titus Bramble to me, and he's proven it this year. Sometimes makes Winston Reid look like w world beater. Now that's saying something. Seocnd place goes to Alou Diarra for showing absolutely nothing during 6 months, crying like a little girl (harsh on little girls) and then leaving for Rennes. Awful.
Sunderland
Team Grade: D. Yawn. Seriously. Yawn. Who cares about Sunderland? I should really. I love Martin O'Neill. But something just isn't attractive with Sunderland. maybe it's the fact they play such an average, unexciting style of play. After a summer of decent spending, you would have expected something better from a front line containing Johnson, Sessegnon and McClean supporting Fletcher. Lo and behold, McClean looks like he was just a 1/2 a season wonder, whilst people have finally realised why Adam Johnson never played for Man City. The other side of the pitch isn't better either, with Bramble somehow still being in the Prem and John O'Shea being, for the first time, a starter for his club. That all stinks of mediocrity, and it's no surprise they're where they are.
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| Any reason is a good reason to put up a Bramble photo. Here Titus attempts a left-footed 5 yard pass to his left back. Please notice the trajectory of the ball and Titus' body shape. Glorious. |
MVP: Simon Mignolet. Monsieur Dependable. The only reason Sunderland aren't further down the table.
LVP: Adam Johnson. Now we all know why Bobby Mancini never played him. Lazy, selfish, uninspiring. Note: This applies to all members of Sunderland's frontline except Steven Fletcher.
Southampton
Team Grade: B-. Now here's a team I respect. They went up to the Prem playing the right way and, unlike QPR and others before them, have stuck with the majority of players who led them out of the Champo. Lambert, Lallana, Schneiderlin, Hooiveld, Shaw (youth team) and Cork were all there last year. That's exactly how you build a club. They even managed to ride out the Adkins fiasco, but they have emerged with a young up and coming European manager who'll fit in well with the ethos of the club. If they stay up, then Southampton will build on this and maybe do a Swansea. Let's hope they do stay up. We need more teams like the Saints. If only for seeing Le Tiss proud as a peacock on Soccer Saturday.
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| "I don't speak French, but allez les Saints!" |
MVP: Morgan Schneiderlin. The man doing the dirty work. There's a big reason Southampton have looked more assured at the back than at the start of the season. No, it's not due to Jose Fonte and Yoshida. It's due to Schneiderlin's never-say-die attitude, his marking and all-round effort. And he's come up with a few goals.
LVP: Jos Hooiveld. I've lost count of the number of own goals next to Jos' name. Seriously. I've lost track. Is that 4 or 5? Enough said. Kelvin Davis can count himself lucky that Hooiveld has been so bad. And I'm also looking at you Fonte, Yoshida and Gazzanigga. These guys simply aren't of Premier League standard.
Wigan
Team Grade: C A C is about as neutral as it gets, and that's the definition of Wigan right there. Somehow, Dave Whelan's club keeps going. We all know they play decent football and play 3-5-2, but they don't really arouse any passions in anyone. Even in Wigan fans. Where are those guys? Their stadium is always half-empty. Sad. Why would you go watch god damn rugby league? I'll never understand those guys. Anyway, Wigan are battling it out to escape relegation. They concede lots of goals, don't score too many, and have a collection of funky foreign players, including Franco 'deflected goals count' di Santo. What's not to like?
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| If you don't support your team, why should we? |
MVP: Arouna Koné. Because he's a such a mazy runner, he never seems to know what to do, but he's still managed to score 8 goals in the Prem this season. Not too shabby.
LVP: Antonin Alcaraz. Apparently he's the team's vice-captain. He's also one of the Premier League's worst centre backs.
Aston Villa
Team Grade: E. How the mighty have fallen. Under O'Neill, and even under Gregory way before him (where is he now?), Villa were an exciting team, always producing up and coming youngsters and playing an attractive, albeit direct, style of football. Thanks to McLeish and now to Lambert, that's over for now. Let's be honest; it was never going to be an easy task recovering from the mess that was Big Alec's tenure, but Lambert has made some mistakes himself. It's fair enough to try and blood youngsters, but you've got to make sure they're of required Premier League standard. Unfortunately, the Lichajs, Bannans, Herds, Bakers and Clarks clearly aren't of a good enough level. Should I add 'yet' and hope they'll make it? I doubt it. It's no mistake Villa are in the relegation zone with the team they possess. If not for Benteke they'd be down there with QPR, out of sight of salvation. But they're still in with a shout, and maybe if they barely survive then change will happen at the club. Villa really needs it.
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| "Who the **** is Chris Herd?" |
MVP: Christian Benteke. Villa would be dead without him. Strong, quick, with two good feet. Shame he can't mark people at corners.
LVP: Charles N'Zogbia. What's happened to you? It was fine blaming McLeish before, but now there are no more excuses. You've simply been rubbish.
Reading
Team Grade: B-. Reading have followed the same template as Southampton, except they've gone even further. They have literally bought no-one and are hoping to stay up with a bunch of Championship players. And yet they might just pull it off. It's been an extraordinary season from McDermott and his boys when you consider that Le Fondre was playing for Rotherham in 2011, Sean morrison just signed from Huddersfield and Mariappa and McAnuff (captain) had never played above the Champo. Even Jimmy Kebe had never played in Ligue 1. And yet, despite many setbacks, they have quietly gone about their business, always with the stoic and likeable McDermott at the helm. If ever a team deserved to stay up for showing confidence in their players, it's Reading. It's just a shame there's a distinct lack of quality at the club. But, whatever happens, Reading will keep going with their heads held up high. That's more than many clubs around them can say.
| Only one of these guys had played in the Prem before. Kudos if you find out who it is. A measure of Reading's task, but also of their courage. |
MVP: Adam Le Fondre. Adam The Thunder ('Foudre" in French is thunder. Close enough) never starts, and never really seems to set the world alight. But he knows where the goal is. And he has a knack of knowing right at the end of games. And yet he never complains. Happy to see a much leaner version of Grant Holt do well.
LVP: Danny Guthrie. You were meant to help Reading's midfield after playing well for Newcastle. And all you've done is get into a row with the loveable McDermott (yes, loveable) because you were dropped to the bench. Disgraceful.
QPR
Team Grade: F. I'm going to go all cinematic on you once again. QPR are the Premier League's football version of The Spirit. I remember seeing ads for that film. It looked like it had that Sin City feel, and it had a strong cast. A home run right (damn I'm really becoming American!)? You couldn't be more wrong. The Spirit was appalling. I remember people leaving the cinema 45 minutes in. I actually had to apologise to my friends for insisting on going to the cinema to watch that travesty of a film. It was that bad. QPR have been exactly the same. We thought they'd bought some decent Premier League experience and had learned from their mistakes. But they obviously have not. Adding Harry Redknapp is like casting Samuel L Jackson. You know Samuel L is not an actor: he just plays Samuel L. Same thing for Redknapp. A leopard doesn't change his spots. No wonder QPR are in a mess.
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| "Are you calling me a f*****g wheeler-dealer?" |
MVP: Julio Cesar. He's the only one who plays to his level. If not for him, we'd have Rob Green picking the ball out of his net every 5 minutes. Think on that for a while.
LVP: Tony Fernandes. He's nearly single-handedly destroyed the club. And then he'll leave when the club will be destroyed. A careless man at best, an idiot at worse.
THE MVP RACE
Just for the sake of clarity, the MVP List is not based on who the best player is. It's based on players who have had the most impact on the league and their team, whether through their presence or (sometimes) through their absence. Feel free to disagree. It's obviously very subjective.
1. Robin Van Persie - Man Utd's leader and the best striker in the country by a country mile. 24 games, 19 goals and countless assists. He's the MVP leader by far. He's been doing it all season long.
2. Gareth Bale - Constantly growing in stature, the electrifying Welshman has added even more goals to his name, and important ones at that. An immense player but, unlike Van Persie, he hasn't done it all year long.
3. Luis Suarez - And people thought he wasn't a natural goalscorer. Sure, he's a despicable individual, but Suarez knows where the goal is. He carried Liverpool on his shoulders for the first half of the season and should relax a bit more now he'll have more space with Sturridge in the side.
4. Leighton Baines - The best left-footed crosser of the ball in the country, and slowly becoming the best left-back as well. The little ex-Wigan player has an incredible impact on every game when you consider his position on the pitch. And he's added goals as well. Quite an impressive season.
5. Michu - He's seemingly come out of nowhere (not if you followed La Liga last season) to become one of the most feared yet strangely hype-free players in the league. 15 goals in the Prem in your first season is nothing to laugh at. An inspired signing, and a man with a great work ethic.
6. Christian Benteke - Maybe the only Premier League quality player at Aston Villa this season. The young Belgian has carried the team on his back. As he goes, so does Villa go.
7. Michael Carrick - Don't laugh. Carrick has been the only midfielder worthy of constant praise this season for United. He's directed play from deep, defended on his feet and enabled Cleverley to bomb forward thanks to his protection. An incredibly underrated player.
8. Jack Wilshere - Oh how Arsenal fans must wish he'd been there all season. Wilshere has been scintillating since he's been back from injury. He's been creative, hard-working and has always provided an outlet going forward. Had he started the season fit, he'd be higher up the rankings.
9. Vincent Kompany - His absence has been so damaging to Man City that you really understand his influence now. A beast at the back and a magnificent leader. He's been sorely missed. The only world-class defender in the Premier League at the moment.
10. Juan Manuel Mata - He's been an ever-present in Chelsea's team and the only one of the Three Amigos to live up to his reputation. Whether it's creating or scoring goals, Mata has achieved a level of consistency which few attacking midfielders can claim. This year's David Silva.
11. Yohan Cabaye - A transformational presence when he's on the pitch. When he plays, Newcastle look like a top-6 side. Without him, they're clueless. His injuries have cost the Magpies a lot of points this season.
Saturday 23 February 2013
Wally's Round Table: The infallibility of Obafemi Martins' passport
Sorry for the lack of articles lately but everyone at Wally has been super busy. We're back with the traditional round table. Enjoy.
2- Arsenal face Villa but without Andre Santos gone to Gremio on loan. Where does he rank in your top 3 of Arsene's worst signings?
1- Man City face Chelsea in a clash which could actually decide 2nd place. Who has disappointed you the most for each team, and where does the blame for their 'disappointing seasons' lay?
Westy: Man City just haven't been up to it collectively. Last season they played like a team with nothing to lose and everything to gain and the desire just isn't there this year. Samir Nasri just epitomises them for me; great when it's going his way, but utterly anonymous and a bit of a t**t when it isn't. That being said, Chelsea have been equally poor recently and I have to say I expected more from Hazard. Not that he's been bad, but he's not exactly been consistent. Equally though, whilst Fernando (deservedly) gets a lot of stick, the defence have been poor. It's amazing to see a club that once had that amazing home record have a back four about as solid and infallible as Obafemi Martins' passport.
Chaka Demus: Man City definitely. Chelsea have been a little erratic but to be quite honest I would blame that on their terrible, terrible fans (the Milsoms excluded) and the board's ridiculous decision-making. I don't really know where the blame lies with them... the whole team has seemed a little apathetic, lazy and complacent. I think Vincent Kompany has been the key loss. They look spineless without him.
Cam: Both teams have been disappointing this season. Man City are carrying way too much “deadwood,” ie players on top money that are not performing on the pitch. Scott Sinclair, Kolo Toure, Maicon and Nasri immediately spring to mind. Injuries to Micah Richards and Jack Rodwell have been unfortunate but the champions also have players whose form has dropped considerably compared to last season: Tevez, Hart, Barry and even Silva. Mancini as the manager has to shoulder the blame for his squad management, but the players themselves also need to take responsibility. A mass summer clearout is desperately needed. Goodbye Kolo Toure, Sinclair, Richard Wright, Maicon and maybe even Tevez, Nasri and Barry.
Chelsea’s disappointing season is slightly less worrying since they were never going to top winning the Champions League and FA cup last season and they look set to improve on their 6thplace finish in the league. The managerial situation definitely hasn’t helped this season with Roman harshly sacking Di Matteo and bringing in Rafa to the fans’ dismay. Plus the team lost Drogba and his boots are proving too big for Torres to fill (both physically and metaphorically). However, Chelsea is undeniably a club in transition with a lot of quality young players who need to get more experience and gel together. Chelsea players aged 25 or under include: Oscar, Mata, Hazard, David Luiz, Azpilicueta, Moses, Mikel, Ramires, Bertrand, Marin, Romeu, Piazon, Courtois and Lukaku. A clearout on a smaller scale is needed. Goodbye Turnbull, Benayoun, Malouda, possibly Torres and definitely Rafa.
Chaka Demus: Man City definitely. Chelsea have been a little erratic but to be quite honest I would blame that on their terrible, terrible fans (the Milsoms excluded) and the board's ridiculous decision-making. I don't really know where the blame lies with them... the whole team has seemed a little apathetic, lazy and complacent. I think Vincent Kompany has been the key loss. They look spineless without him.
Cam: Both teams have been disappointing this season. Man City are carrying way too much “deadwood,” ie players on top money that are not performing on the pitch. Scott Sinclair, Kolo Toure, Maicon and Nasri immediately spring to mind. Injuries to Micah Richards and Jack Rodwell have been unfortunate but the champions also have players whose form has dropped considerably compared to last season: Tevez, Hart, Barry and even Silva. Mancini as the manager has to shoulder the blame for his squad management, but the players themselves also need to take responsibility. A mass summer clearout is desperately needed. Goodbye Kolo Toure, Sinclair, Richard Wright, Maicon and maybe even Tevez, Nasri and Barry.
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| Yes Samir, we're looking at you. You're so typical of why Man City are s**t this season. |
Bappo: Man City have come to realise that it's always harder to repeat something in sports than winning it in the first place. That's why (swallows own pride) Fergie has been incredible at Man Utd. Seriously incredible. It doesn't help that Mancini got rid of De Jong, keeps playing Barry and bought Maicon and my favourite 2 transfers of the year in Rodwell (the future Rio Ferdinand) and Scott Sinclair. Glorious management there. For all of the talk about Balotelli being disruptive, Joe Hart has been superbly average this year, and Kompany's injury has meant that they have no leader at the back despite Zabaleta and Nastasic's best efforts. Whilst last year they were at 110%, this year they're at 90% and it doesn't cut it. Especially when Toure is only bothered in playing one game out of five (that's Yaya for you, Kolo's just enjoying keeping fit in the reserves). One word for you: Complacency.
As for Chelsea, they're a disgrace. How can you expect your team to play well when you sack a manager, bring a replacement who everybody (players included) hate, and keep giving the keys to absolute, disgusting players (JT). Add to that the 'saga' about Lampard (who'll start playing s**t if he gets a new contract) and you've got all the ingredients for a disappointing season. I just feel bad for Mata. A true gentleman and Chelsea's true leader.
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| "I just don't know what to do with myself" |
2- Arsenal face Villa but without Andre Santos gone to Gremio on loan. Where does he rank in your top 3 of Arsene's worst signings?
Westy: Up there with Pascal Cygan and Igor Stepanovs, certainly. However, I still think the worst has to be Francis Jeffers - poor kid just wasn't up to the pressure.
Chaka Demus: He is probably pushing for that no. 1 spot. He is truly hopeless. I cannot fathom why Arsène ever agreed to buy him.
Cam: He has to be up there. We all know Wenger is notoriously careful when it comes to spending money on transfers so when he splashes £6.3m on a player, you would expect great things. However Andre was nothing short of a disappointment. I mean he was a poor defender and he wasn’t particularly useful going forward either. Throughout his time at Arsenal he was carrying a bit of timber and let’s be honest the man is about as Brazilian as Del Boy.
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| "What? You don't play for Arsenal any more? Why was I passing the ball to you then?" says Andre Santos whilst Wenger goes all red and Ivan Gazidis hands himself a new bonus. |
Bappo: You mean you've forgotten about Igor Stepanovs? 6 games, including a 6-1 drubbing against Man Utd, and then he disappeared. That was superb. I think Andre Santos can thank Francis Jeffers (NEVER a good player, even at Everton) and Julio Baptista (stellar in the Carling Cup, awful in the big boys' league) for keeping him off the podium. And I think Arsenal fans forgot he did score an important goal against Chelsea last season. Of course he was responsible for leaking 50 at the other end, but you can't beat scoring a goal against your scummy rivals.
| Jeffers: And people wonder why Wenger doesn't like buying British. |
3- QPR-Man Utd. How close do you think Man Utd are to winning the title, and QPR to the Championship? Will either club fail to achieve what many predict them to?
Westy: Man Utd should win the title with the margin City have given them, although it's hardly the vintage squad Fergie's kidding himself about...As for QPR, I feel sorry for their fans but I just want them and Arry to go as soon as possible.
Chaka Demus: Man Utd will win the League and QPR will go down. I don't see any other outcome at this point.
Cam: The title is Man U’s. Some bookies have already paid out. After what happened to them last season they are simply not going to let it happen again. Plus they have been extremely consistent this season, RVP has been a revelation and their biggest challengers (Man City and Chelsea) have disappointed. QPR are close to the Championship but there is more chance of them staying up than of Man U not winning the league.
Bappo: And I thought last year's Man Utd were the worst version I'd seen under Fergie! They just keep proving me wrong. And yet they also keep on winning. Kudos Man City, Chelsea and Arsenal (where are they?) for mounting a horrendous title 'challenge'. Man Utd will win because they are the best run club at the top. As for QPR, the sooner they're out of the Prem the better. They've been a textbook example of incompetent management. They don't deserve to be in the Premier League. They won't be for long.
Westy: Man Utd should win the title with the margin City have given them, although it's hardly the vintage squad Fergie's kidding himself about...As for QPR, I feel sorry for their fans but I just want them and Arry to go as soon as possible.
Chaka Demus: Man Utd will win the League and QPR will go down. I don't see any other outcome at this point.
Cam: The title is Man U’s. Some bookies have already paid out. After what happened to them last season they are simply not going to let it happen again. Plus they have been extremely consistent this season, RVP has been a revelation and their biggest challengers (Man City and Chelsea) have disappointed. QPR are close to the Championship but there is more chance of them staying up than of Man U not winning the league.
Bappo: And I thought last year's Man Utd were the worst version I'd seen under Fergie! They just keep proving me wrong. And yet they also keep on winning. Kudos Man City, Chelsea and Arsenal (where are they?) for mounting a horrendous title 'challenge'. Man Utd will win because they are the best run club at the top. As for QPR, the sooner they're out of the Prem the better. They've been a textbook example of incompetent management. They don't deserve to be in the Premier League. They won't be for long.
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| Westy and Bappo say good riddance. |
4- Reading vs Wigan. If you had to choose between Brian McDermott and Roberto Martinez to run your team, who would you choose?
Westy: Bobby is class, and I have a lot of respect for his gamble on an under-used 3-5-2 when Wigan were struggling last season. I love Brian's honest approach, but he seems a little bit out of depth in this league.
Chaka Demus: Either/or to be quite honest. However, given his superior Premier League experience I will go with good old Roberto.
Cam: Martinez.
Bappo: Martinez. If only because he knows how to wear a good suit while Brian persists with wearing tracksuits. Grow up Brian. It's the mens' league now. In all seriousness both deserve a hell of a lot of credit. I mean Adam Le Fondre has scored 10 goals. Adam Le Fondre! If that's not great man-management I don't know what is.
Westy: Bobby is class, and I have a lot of respect for his gamble on an under-used 3-5-2 when Wigan were struggling last season. I love Brian's honest approach, but he seems a little bit out of depth in this league.
Chaka Demus: Either/or to be quite honest. However, given his superior Premier League experience I will go with good old Roberto.
Cam: Martinez.
Bappo: Martinez. If only because he knows how to wear a good suit while Brian persists with wearing tracksuits. Grow up Brian. It's the mens' league now. In all seriousness both deserve a hell of a lot of credit. I mean Adam Le Fondre has scored 10 goals. Adam Le Fondre! If that's not great man-management I don't know what is.
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| Martinez: thoughtful, modern and brave. Reasons for admiration at Wally. |
5- Jamie Carragher will retire at the end of the season. What are your views on his career? Fan or not?
Westy: One of the few Liverpool players I utterly respect - he deserved a lot better in terms of silverware for what he's brought to that club. Gives his all in every game and and you can't ask for any more than that. It's just a shame that he was so under-utilised by England.
Chaka Demus: My favourite thing about Jamie Carragher is that he will literally DESTROY an attack/whoever he is tackling and then feign innocence to the ref. No matter what. He is a monster and an old fashioned centre back and a very good leader of men. He has scored a few too many own goals in his time but overall career I am a fan.
Cam: The man’s had a great career and represents the ultimate professional who gives 100% every day and is one of very few loyal players left in the game. His behaviour has also been exemplary on and off the pitch. You simply don’t hear stories about him getting in drunken scraps with DJs (Gerrard), sleeping with prostitutes (Balotelli, Anderson, Rooney), sleeping with teammates’ partners (JT) or worst of all, sleeping with his sister-in-law and singlehandedly destroying his family (Ryan Giggs). Carra is a top man who has been a credit to the game. He is a tough defender from the “old school” of footballers and he has undoubtedly had an excellent career, the highlight of which has to be his Champions League winners’ medal.
Bappo: There was a time when Jamie Carragher was the best centre-back in England. No jokes. Sure he couldn't pass the ball out of defence like Rio Ferdinand. But he didn't 'accidentally miss' drugs tests like Rio either. And he's certainly proven to be a better leader over the years than Terry. It's not like he got himself sent off in a Champions League semi-final away at Barcelona. Carragher is a true example of what all players should strive to be: an average technical player, he obviously worked harder than everyone else at Liverpool and never complained. An all-time great at Liverpool and should have been so for England. An underrated legend.
Westy: One of the few Liverpool players I utterly respect - he deserved a lot better in terms of silverware for what he's brought to that club. Gives his all in every game and and you can't ask for any more than that. It's just a shame that he was so under-utilised by England.
Chaka Demus: My favourite thing about Jamie Carragher is that he will literally DESTROY an attack/whoever he is tackling and then feign innocence to the ref. No matter what. He is a monster and an old fashioned centre back and a very good leader of men. He has scored a few too many own goals in his time but overall career I am a fan.
Cam: The man’s had a great career and represents the ultimate professional who gives 100% every day and is one of very few loyal players left in the game. His behaviour has also been exemplary on and off the pitch. You simply don’t hear stories about him getting in drunken scraps with DJs (Gerrard), sleeping with prostitutes (Balotelli, Anderson, Rooney), sleeping with teammates’ partners (JT) or worst of all, sleeping with his sister-in-law and singlehandedly destroying his family (Ryan Giggs). Carra is a top man who has been a credit to the game. He is a tough defender from the “old school” of footballers and he has undoubtedly had an excellent career, the highlight of which has to be his Champions League winners’ medal.
| Carragher: A Liverppool legend. Deservedly so. |
Bappo: There was a time when Jamie Carragher was the best centre-back in England. No jokes. Sure he couldn't pass the ball out of defence like Rio Ferdinand. But he didn't 'accidentally miss' drugs tests like Rio either. And he's certainly proven to be a better leader over the years than Terry. It's not like he got himself sent off in a Champions League semi-final away at Barcelona. Carragher is a true example of what all players should strive to be: an average technical player, he obviously worked harder than everyone else at Liverpool and never complained. An all-time great at Liverpool and should have been so for England. An underrated legend.
6- West Brom beat Liverpool at Anfield last time around and now host Sunderland. Which players have been most key to West brom's 8th place in your eyes?
Westy: Couldn’t agree any more with Chaks - Odemwingie has been a true clown! Mulumbu has been instrumental as ever - when he plays well, they do too, and Shane Long has been class as well as the spearhead.
Chaka Demus: Morrison, Brunt and Long. If we have a 'Muppet of the season' award at some point, Peter Odemwingie is already the winner.
Cam: I like the look of Lukaku. As Baggies fans sing: “he comes from Stamford Bridge, he’s bigger than the fridge!” Young, hungry, powerful and quick, the boy is proving to be a handful for Premier League defences with 10 goals in 12 starts. Up front WBA have also got Shane Long and Odemwingie and that’s a pretty strong strikeforce. Ben Foster in goal and Olsson at centre back have also impressed. Mulumbu and Yacob is a solid partnership in centre midfield and Morrison and Brunt are technically sound players.
Bappo: Foster, Olsson, Mulumbu, Yacob and Long. The spine of their team and the main reason why they've overachieved, along with astute management from Steve Clarke.
Westy: Couldn’t agree any more with Chaks - Odemwingie has been a true clown! Mulumbu has been instrumental as ever - when he plays well, they do too, and Shane Long has been class as well as the spearhead.
Chaka Demus: Morrison, Brunt and Long. If we have a 'Muppet of the season' award at some point, Peter Odemwingie is already the winner.
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| Chaka Demus and Westy give you...Peter Odemwingie. |
Cam: I like the look of Lukaku. As Baggies fans sing: “he comes from Stamford Bridge, he’s bigger than the fridge!” Young, hungry, powerful and quick, the boy is proving to be a handful for Premier League defences with 10 goals in 12 starts. Up front WBA have also got Shane Long and Odemwingie and that’s a pretty strong strikeforce. Ben Foster in goal and Olsson at centre back have also impressed. Mulumbu and Yacob is a solid partnership in centre midfield and Morrison and Brunt are technically sound players.
Bappo: Foster, Olsson, Mulumbu, Yacob and Long. The spine of their team and the main reason why they've overachieved, along with astute management from Steve Clarke.
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| West brom: team spirit the inspiration behind their success. |
7- A North London derby with West Ham-Tottenham. Gilfyi Sigurdsson or Andy Carroll: who's been the worst signing?
Westy: I’m going to rock the boat and go for Gylfi here - I think much more was expected of him at Spurs and he’s not been anywhere near what they wanted (another Van der Vaart). Carroll may just be a poor man’s (or rich man’s if your club is run by a bunch of muppets), but he fits what West Ham are looking for and has been dangerous, even if he hasn’t scored much.
Chaka Demus: Sigurdsson hasn't been given enough time to really inbed himself (even as a sub). Having said that, Lewis Holtby has really hit the ground running... Andy Carrol - as always unlucky with injury. I think I'll have to say big Andy though. He has contributed next to nothing to West Ham other than make Carlton Cole look like a half-decent footballer.
Cam: Sigurdsson. He just doesn’t play. Plus Andy Carroll is a loan signing with a view to a permanent deal, he has been unfortunate with injuries, he is still relatively young and on his day he can be a defender’s worst nightmare.
Bappo: Carroll. Simply because I find him to be grossly overrated. Of course he got injured, but it's not like competition at West Ham is so fierce either. And it'd be good to see him play through the pain once in a while. Of course that's harsh, but when your wages are such a drag on the club you should perhaps be a bit more professional and finally start learning how to play football. Gilfyi has been a disappointment no doubt, but he is still on affordable wages and one for the future. So, based on total subjectivity and absolute bias, I'm still gunning for Carroll.
Westy: I’m going to rock the boat and go for Gylfi here - I think much more was expected of him at Spurs and he’s not been anywhere near what they wanted (another Van der Vaart). Carroll may just be a poor man’s (or rich man’s if your club is run by a bunch of muppets), but he fits what West Ham are looking for and has been dangerous, even if he hasn’t scored much.
Chaka Demus: Sigurdsson hasn't been given enough time to really inbed himself (even as a sub). Having said that, Lewis Holtby has really hit the ground running... Andy Carrol - as always unlucky with injury. I think I'll have to say big Andy though. He has contributed next to nothing to West Ham other than make Carlton Cole look like a half-decent footballer.
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| Carroll and his love of bubbles, even though Champagne comes second to Jager |
Cam: Sigurdsson. He just doesn’t play. Plus Andy Carroll is a loan signing with a view to a permanent deal, he has been unfortunate with injuries, he is still relatively young and on his day he can be a defender’s worst nightmare.
Bappo: Carroll. Simply because I find him to be grossly overrated. Of course he got injured, but it's not like competition at West Ham is so fierce either. And it'd be good to see him play through the pain once in a while. Of course that's harsh, but when your wages are such a drag on the club you should perhaps be a bit more professional and finally start learning how to play football. Gilfyi has been a disappointment no doubt, but he is still on affordable wages and one for the future. So, based on total subjectivity and absolute bias, I'm still gunning for Carroll.
8- Newcastle welcome Southampton. Where will the game be won?
Westy: It’ll be a pulsating 0-0 draw and nobody will win :(
Chaka Demus: Counter-attacks! Midfield battle will be key I think.
Cam: I think Newcastle’s French revolution will help them win this game. The Geordie’s midfield and attack will be too strong for the Saints with Cabaye pulling the strings as the playmaker. Fraudster Tiote will also be important in winning the midfield battle if he plays.
Bappo: In midfield. And news flash! Cabaye and Tiote will be too strong. That's not even counting Sissoko, who will love running at Jose Fonte and Yoshida. But then again, who wouldn't?
Westy: It’ll be a pulsating 0-0 draw and nobody will win :(
Chaka Demus: Counter-attacks! Midfield battle will be key I think.
Cam: I think Newcastle’s French revolution will help them win this game. The Geordie’s midfield and attack will be too strong for the Saints with Cabaye pulling the strings as the playmaker. Fraudster Tiote will also be important in winning the midfield battle if he plays.
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| Cabaye and Tiote: why Newcastle will be dangerous. |
Bappo: In midfield. And news flash! Cabaye and Tiote will be too strong. That's not even counting Sissoko, who will love running at Jose Fonte and Yoshida. But then again, who wouldn't?
9- Fulham vs Stoke and the presence of two massive centre backs with Hangeland and Huth. Which player would you rather have?
Westy: Brede, he scores more.
Chaka Demus: I'd rather have Bread because Robert Huth is a monster.
Cam: Brede. Huth is a beast but Brede is the better footballer.
Bappo: Brede. If only because he can actually pass a ball. Even though he's been underwhelming this season. Huth should be in prison.
Westy: Brede, he scores more.
Chaka Demus: I'd rather have Bread because Robert Huth is a monster.
Cam: Brede. Huth is a beast but Brede is the better footballer.
Bappo: Brede. If only because he can actually pass a ball. Even though he's been underwhelming this season. Huth should be in prison.
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| We would all rather have Brede. |
10- Norwich-Everton. Where does Chris Hughton rank in your eyes? Should he and will he ever move to a bigger club?
Westy: I don’t think he will really and is probably at about the right level. The thing I really like about him is that he just gets on with it rather than playing the Paul Ince (”it’s because I’m black”... no Paul, you’re just not very good.)
Chaka Demus: I think he will but not for a few years. I like him a lot as a person but whether he has the skills to handle a 'big club' as yet I'm not so sure. I still think the way he was treated by Newcastle was a travesty.
Cam: Chris Hughton has had a great season and has proven he is one of the finest English managers out there. However, he needs to keep doing what he’s doing at Norwich and gain more experience before bigger clubs can be mentioned.
Bappo: I see him as a very good up and coming manager. Gets on with his work with limited funds, and always does well. He also adapts to his team's style of play and is not afraid to buy players he doesn't know, unlike many managers. He might be given a chance at Tottenham due to his links with the club. But I doubt he's high profile enough for a big club to take a chance on him.
Westy: I don’t think he will really and is probably at about the right level. The thing I really like about him is that he just gets on with it rather than playing the Paul Ince (”it’s because I’m black”... no Paul, you’re just not very good.)
Chaka Demus: I think he will but not for a few years. I like him a lot as a person but whether he has the skills to handle a 'big club' as yet I'm not so sure. I still think the way he was treated by Newcastle was a travesty.
Cam: Chris Hughton has had a great season and has proven he is one of the finest English managers out there. However, he needs to keep doing what he’s doing at Norwich and gain more experience before bigger clubs can be mentioned.
Bappo: I see him as a very good up and coming manager. Gets on with his work with limited funds, and always does well. He also adapts to his team's style of play and is not afraid to buy players he doesn't know, unlike many managers. He might be given a chance at Tottenham due to his links with the club. But I doubt he's high profile enough for a big club to take a chance on him.
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| Hughton: lovely man, good manager. But we doubt he'll ever make it to a top side. |
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