Wally with a Brolly

Hello boys and girls. It's international football week, so we decided to ask the members of the Round Table a wide range of questions. Enjoy.

1- There are no Premier League clubs in the quarter-finals of the Champions League for the first time in 18 years. Is that due to a decline in the Premier League's quality? What are your views on it?

Westy: I don’t think we can deny that the EPL is nowhere near as good as it has been. Yes, you can argue that Chelsea won the Champions League last year, but they got very fortunate against both Barcelona and Bayern. Not to say that there’s no pride for winning through sheer guts, but the claim that they are ‘the best in Europe’ is just a tad ridiculous. Equally, Man Utd, despite Fergie’s claims, are in the worst shape they have been for a long time. About 5 years ago, players such as Valencia and Nani wouldn’t have had a look in, and whilst I love a ball-playing midfielder, Carrick is not good enough to win European titles.

Nani and Valencia: symbols of Utd's and Premier League teams' European decline.

Chaka Demus: I don't think it is due to a decline in quality in the Premier League overall but more specific problems at each club. Arsenal just aren't good enough. They have sold 4 or 5 really top drawer players in the past few years and have brought in distinctly average replacements. As much as they try to deny it, I can't help but think that the circus that is Chelsea football club has adversely affected their performances this year. As happy as I was for an English club to win it last year; let's face it - they didn't deserve it (sorry Cam). Man City have sh*t the bed all-round this year and just weren't at the races even in the early stages of the competition. The only team I think SHOULD have made it to the quarters was Utd. They were unlucky to come up against Real so early on and the referee's decision to send off Nani was atrocious. I don't care what Roy Keane thinks. It was laughable. And if they had had 11 men I think they would've won.

KD: I personally don't believe that the Premier League quality has necessarily reduced, just that the leagues on the continent have improved and the difference in quality between the top clubs in each league is now relatively small. The Bundesliga, for example, was nowhere near as competitive in Europe as it is now, and the top Italian clubs are finally all performing again, after a few years of struggle, especially following the match fixing nonsense! In my opinion Manchester United were robbed, but I do like Mourinho's Madrid. Chelsea, also should be doing better than Europa League strugglers with their squad.

The rise of the Bundesliga

Bappo: The Premier League is not as good as it's made out to be. Yes, it's probably the most entertaining (although the Bundesliga shows great football) and it definitely has got great players. But there is no tactical sense in the UK. Teams set out with a formation and then completely disregard it after a couple of minutes, apart from Stoke who stick to a rigid 4-4-2 and never cross the half way line. Spanish, German and Italian teams have much more tactical sense, and their managers are more astute. That's why you'll never see a foreign team go for a British manager. Especially when 'Arry Redknapp is considered a demi-god even though he knows nothing about tactics. Same for Wenger. Next time he wants to play a high line against Tottenham or any team with rapid wingers, I'll tear my hair off. So no surprise that the Premier League teams have finally been found out. Everyone else is getting better whilst the Premier League is getting complacent.

2- International football this week. If you had to choose your England starting XI today, who would be in it?

Westy: GK: Hart - still the best out there for me, even though he’s had his detractors. In any case, you just have to stick with your keeper.

DR: Micah Richards
DL: Cole
DC: Rio
DC: Phil Jones

Some bold calls here, but we need to blood the youngsters, and whilst Micah may be unpolished, he also has the pace and drive that nobody else shows. Jones may well end up as a midfielder, but for the moment, we are so lacking in decent centre-backs that he should get a look in.

Phil Jones: Westy's bold call.

MR: Milner
MC: Wilshere
MC: Gerrard
ML: Baines
AMC: Rooney
ST: Welbeck

Nobody will ever convince me that Rooney shouldn’t play for England - he is one of the few genuinely creative players that we have and links up well with Danny Welbeck. Baines at LM is something that a few people have suggested and I can’t see us losing at all, especially given that it would counteract our slightly weaker right side. I also actually quite like James Milner as he gives the others a bit more freedom.

Controversial to say the least!

Chaka Demus: GK - Foster (time for a break for Joe Hart - too many errors all-round this year)
RB - Glen Johnson (admittedly better attacking that defending but I don't see anyone to challenge his place at the moment)
CB - Michael Dawson
CB - Phil Jagielka (I think these 2 have performed consistently for their clubs this season)
(I would've chosen Rio but he has bailed because his back hurts - poor Rio) Sad face. Also, where has Joleon Lescott gone?
LB - Ashley Cole - still the best we have (sorry Leighton)
RM - THEO!
Attacking Mid - Leon Osman (a bit of a late starter but deservedly chosen by Roy for the upcoming games. A man of the people and distinctly underrated for a long time)
Attacking Mid - Fat Frank (200 goals for Chelsea - nuff' said)
Defensive Mid - Stevie G (sitting in front of the defense, spraying outrageous passes 50 yards, free-kick duty from wide areas, the occasional marauding run up the pitch - you know how he is!)
LM - James Milner. My word, doesn't he work hard, young man. I guess Ashley Young is the more obvious choice but I just can't stand the boy. I'd rather see a lesser-skilled player work hard and come off the pitch barely breathing than some nancy boy dive and whine and prance about).
Hopefully we'll see Wilfried Zaha out in this position sometime soon as well.
A - Danny "Wesley Snipes" Welbeck - has been excellent most of this season and always runs his socks off

Ready to tear that defence apart for England.

KD: GK: Joe Hart
RB: Kyle Walker
CB: Rio Ferdinand
CB: Michael Dawson
LB: Ashley Cole
CM: Michael Carrick
CM: Frank Lampard
RM: Theo Walcott
LM: Danny Welbeck
AM: Steven Gerrard
ST: Wayne Rooney

Bappo: GK: Joe Hart - even though he's not as good as people think (or he thinks)
RB: Glen Johnson - because he's better than anyone else England has at that position. He's of course better than Micah Richards. And he doesn't screw up for England.
CB: Steven Caulker - One of the best ball playing centre-backs England have, and he's still only 21. Give hi, a run. Rio is arrogant, can't play 2 games in 5 days and is not as good as he once was.
CB: Joleon Lescott - because he's still the best left-sided centre back England have. And he was a rock at Euro 2012.
LB: Ashley Cole or Leighton Baines, doesn't matter.
CM: Michael Carrick - because he's the only English midfielder clever enough to play for a team like Barcelona. He's a European type of player. You need that in international football. And he values possession like no one else in the coutnry.
CM: Tom Cleverley - because he plays with Carrick at United (important) and, even though he's not amazing, can still pass the ball around. He's also a very dynamic player.
RM: Aaron Lennon - because he's got great pace and is cleverer than people think. And he's better than Walcott
AM: Jack Wilshere - because he's already the best player England have.
LM: The Ox. I'd make him switch a lot with Lennon. Pace and strength down the wings.
ST: Daniel Sturridge - because I can't stand Rooney and Sturridge will improve.

Caulker: this time it's Bappo taking a chance.

Controversial, but let's finally give youth a chance, and let's stop picking players on reputation.

3- Have a look at the current squad. Who do you feel should never have been picked out of the guys Hodgson just chose this week?

Westy: Rio. The dialogue should have been there beforehand and it just looks embarrassing now. He is good enough, and Roy is right, but the FA have been left looking like mugs again... just like our namesake!

Chaka Demus: I don't really rate Chris Smalling at all to be honest. He generally looks completely lost all of the time. Gary Cahill has been very up and down this year and were it not for JT's retirement or Rio pulling out of the squad, I don't think he would be there either. Despite being impressive last year, I think the Ox needs to do more for Arsenal before he should really be picked for international duty.

KD: I personally couldn't believe that Roy managed to overlook Andy Carroll after such a prolific season.
In all seriousness though, I find Leon Osman such a curious addition to recent squads. I'm not saying he shouldn't be included, I quite like him as a player and he seems a fantastic professional, but where the hell did that one come from... Massive curve ball

Bappo and KD are calling for Carroll to come back.  #sarcastic #Ifeellikeadickforputtingahashtagbecausepeoplestillunderstandsarcasm.

Bappo: I'm flabbergasted that Scott Sinclair, Jack Rodwell and Andy Carroll haven't been picked. Roy really is a fool. On a serious note, Ashley Young should never be picked; he doesn't start for Man Utd, was completely found out at Euro 2012 and simply isn't good enough. Scott Parker is also VERY overrated; he just runs around sliding everywhere, and is clearly not good enough for international football. We all saw that at Euro 2012. Otherwise this was pretty much the best team Roy could put out.

4- Let's focus a bit on the Championship for once. Who would you like to see go up, and why?

Westy: Palace, to see Chaka Demus’ reaction and because I felt a bit gutted for them when they last went down. Also, I’d like to see Forest back, if only because we could put eight past them again!

Chaka Demus: CRYSTAL PALACE BECAUSE THEY'RE, LIKE, THE BEST TEAM, LIKE, EVER! OMG.

Seriously though, it's about time. Given that we sh*t the bed against Brighton on Sunday I think the play-offs are looming.

Hoping to see them again in the Premier League.

KD: Crystal Palace - I rate Zaha and would like to see him succeed this year (also, for Chaka). Brighton - I'd love to see Gus Poyet win another promotion because I like him as a man and manager and the Brighton 'gay' banter would be interesting!

Bappo: Crystal Palace and Charlton, for Chaka and Loz. And because they've got a bit of a history in the rem. Even though I'm no Leeds fan, it's time they got back up there. They really are too big to be down there. I know I'm only allowed 3, but I'd love to see a grudge Welsh derby in the Prem, and Cardiff, led by the likeable technical Whittingham, play good football.

5- Continuing with the lower leagues, who do you think have been the best ever transfers or players coming out of the Championship and below?

Westy: Tim Cahill and Phil Jagielka are the main ones that spring to mind, with Tim playing brilliantly in Millwall’s run to the 2004 FA Cup final and Phil being a rock for Sheffield United. Then again, for every one of them, there’s ten Billy Jones, the players who were supposed to be great and just weren’t... The Freddy Adus of the Championship, if you will.

"Who came up from the Championship?"

Chaka Demus: Ricky Lambert really is a monster of a man and has showed he is good enough for League One, The Championship and then the Premier League is consecutive seasons. Am I right in thinking he is the highest scoring Englishman in the league at the moment? Or is that Frankie "Super Goals" Lampard?

KD: Rickie Lambert has done very well for himself, and Southampton. Victor Moses has continued to develop and mature impressively and earned himself, in my opinion, a deserved move to Chelsea. I have been pleased with the progress that Shane Long has made since leaving Reading. Chris Smalling is obviously at Utd and had probably the most unbelievably rapid rise.

Beast.

Bappo: Any player Everton pluck out from the lower leagues. Even Jermain Beckford. That was obviously a joke. Tim Cahill and Phil Jagielka come to mind. And Chris Smalling, if only because he only got to Fulham by arranging his own trial!

6- The 6 Nations have just finished: what things would you take from Rugby?

Westy: The conduct of its players and fans. Simple enough!

Chaka Demus: Being able to hear the players' discussions with the referees. It would have resolved the Clattenburg debacle instantly and would stop players crowding the ref and generally being verbally abusive.

Instant replays/goal-line technology is an obvious one.

I know she's Welsh but I think Katherine Jenkins should sing the national anthem at as many football games as possible. Also, I would like for the female talent that goes to rugby games to go to football games rather than the 20-stone, pie-eating, balding, toothless monsters that you see the majority of the time.

Chaka isn't jealous of the sport, but he's jealous of Rugby's perks.

Lee Cattermole and the Stoke defence would probably like to be able to use full-on rugby tackles I would imagine.

Line-outs rather than normal throw-ins would be awesome.

Always passing the ball sideways or backwards - would be very popular with Joe Allen.

KD: Players get absolutely mash up and just getting back up, shaking hands, dripping with blood, and carrying on. The Tuilagi fracas rings bells! The sportsmanship and respect for the referee and each other.

Bappo: The ability to hear what the refs and players say to each other. And goal line technology. Simple as.

7- Back to the Premier League, and it's crunch time at the bottom. Which relegation battle do you remember most fondly?

Westy: That one from 2004 where there were 4 teams and 3 would go down. At some point that afternoon, every one of those clubs had been in the relegation zone, but a Kieran Richardson-inspired West Brom (never thought we’d say that... and never have again) clawed their way back from the brink.

West Brom's Great Escape. Or the last time Kieran Richardson was relevant. Or the only time playing Geoff Horsfield actually mattered.

Chaka Demus: I think it would be from our first year of Uni (2006/7 season). I don't even remember who was involved but I remember the final day being a very dramatic one!

KD: Hopefully this year's: Reading FC appeared down and out. Manager sacked and no one offering a glimmer of hope, Reading battled back from 4-0 down to win 7-4, a hat trick from Kebe and Le Fondre and a last minute Federici header keeps Reading up, at the cost of Aston Villa, on the last day of the season!!! Unbelievable Jeff!

Bappo: Fulham's Great Escape. A Danny Murphy header in the last game of the season saves the Whites after a Diomansy Kamara-inspired fight back had helped beat Man City in the penultimate game. You just don't write that kind of stuff. Not only was it great because my Fulham saved themselves, but I'm pretty sure no-one really wanted to see them go down. The same can't be said about Stoke (when it happens) or QPR this season.

Murphy rises above Distin to save Fulham. Unbelievable Jeff!

8- If you had to name the 3 best performing English players in the premier League this season, who would they be?

Westy: Leighton Baines has been superb and industrious as ever, even with his silly Wiggo imitation haircut. There aren’t many others I’ve been that impressed by, to be honest, hence my slightly bizarre pick for the England team! Rooney has been average at best, Cole has been sloppy and Gerrard hasn’t had it all his own way either. I’d have gone for Raheem after a sterling breakthrough (see what I did there...?), but he’s burnt out a bit. Not hugely impressed by our lot to be honest.

Chaka Demus: Frank Lampard. Aaron Lennon. Michael Carrick.

KD: Michael Carrick - quiet and effective engine at the heart of most of Man Utd's creativity this season. His best year yet.
Jermain Defoe : had a good season spearheading spurs' attack and acting as a foil for Gareth Bale
Theo Walcott: the boys had a cracking season in my opinion, considering Arsenal's many faults and failures. It's easy to forget he is still young.

Bappo: Leighton Baines - a truly incredible season. Everton's best defender and best attacking player. Superb.
Michael Carrick- so grossly underestimated it beggars belief. He's Man Utd's Sergio Busquets and he's been Fergie's most used player in the last couple of season. Doesn't that say anything?
Aaron Lennon - we always forget he's the best English winger.

Some man love for Leighton.

9- Gary Neville is now an appreciated pundit and assistant to Roy Hodgson. Even though he was always a bit of a c**t. Which other players have improved their reputation since leaving the game, either as pundits or managers? And which haven't?

Westy: G.Nev was always going to be a good pundit, but that goalgasm elevated his commentary to a whole new level. That being said, the Monday Night Football gadgets do look a bit ridiculous! Clarence Seedorf tops the punditry ranks for me after an excellent stint at the Euros, whilst Roy Keane is right at the bottom. Forcing out a stupid, biased opinion =/= Honest punditry. And honestly, his condemnation of the Nani tackle was just laughable. Alf-Inge Haaland, anyone?

Roy Keane default mode: exasperation and nonsense.

Chaka Demus: Robbie Savage. What a man. Majestic hair and stubble combo. Ridiculous clothing. Good pundit.
Michael Owen - SO BORING
Les Ferdinand - SO BORING
Jason Roberts - obviously still playing but a wonderfully eloquent man. The same goes for Vincent Kompany the few times I have seen him.
Stan Collymore - need I explain?

KD: Robbie Savage is an absolutely bell end. He was an idiot on the pitch and, almost inconceivably, an even bigger pleb off of it. He talks rubbish, looks ridiculous and just generally does my nut.



Bappo: I heard Clarke Carlisle commentating not long ago, and he wasn't half bad. Very eloquent. His stint on Countdown must have helped. I hate listening to all the BBC and ITV pundits. Robbie Savage is a clown, Lee Dixon and Gareth Southgate are idiots and Roy Keane is in a world of his own. And don't get me started on Michael Owen. Jason Roberts strikes me as someone who talks a lot of sense, but he'll be phased out so Alan Shearer still has his weekly spot. Finally, Ian Wright. That is all. Thanks all you TV channels.

10- An England game on TV, that means ITV. What do you think of their pundits and commentators?

Westy: Atrocious. From Clive Tyldesley’s love-in with his own voice, Andy Townsend’s complete inability to understand anything tactical, David Pleat’s confusion as to what the players’ names are, Gordon Strachan’s being Gordon Strachan, all the way through to Adrian Chiles’ random rants that nobody understands, they are just abysmal. Bring back Jim Rosenthal!

Come back!

Chaka Demus: It hurts just to think about it. I'd rather not say any more. The fact that Adrian Chiles HOSTS the bloody program says it all. If you look closely, watch for the red mist descending in Roy Keane's eyes whenever Chiles speaks. Terrifying.

KD: I've got to be honest, commentators have never really annoyed me that much. I couldn't highlight a specific commentator for a specific channel that irritates me. Maybe it's just because I'm too engrossed in the match, I don't know? The only lad that I have noticed getting on my nerves over the past few years is Graham Le Saux.

KD is not a fan of the man on the left. Don't know about the arrogant one on the right.

Bappo: Atrocious, simply atrocious. Andy Tonwsend has forgotten everything about the sport he played for years, and makes Alan Shearer sound insightful. Clive Tyldesley is always waiting for a quotable moment and gets more excited than Jonathan Pearce. Finally, I never need 3 pundits, let alone people like Dixon, Keane and Southgate, who can't agree or disagree on anything because they've got nothing to say and they're scared by Keano. As for Chiles, he's the expired cherry on that crappy cake ITV dishes out every time. The whole thing looks and sounds so amateurish.

We had taken a break from the Remember the Name series. That's partly because the next name on our list was going to be Raphael Varane before he made himself known with some superb performances. But we're still heading to La Liga, and once again it's a young French player, this time Antoine Griezmann of Real Sociedad.

Griezmann: enchanting Real Sociedad and La Liga

Remember Gael Kakuta? He was meant to be the new poster boy of French football, especially when the U-19 beat their Spanish counterparts in the 2010 European Championships final. Kakuta was the one player destined for great things, and it was assumed that Chelsea had done very well in bringing him over to London, even if cost him a certain amount of money and Kakuta was subsequently suspended.

We all know how Kakuta turned out. You don't know? He's on loan at Vitesse Arnhem. Yawn.

But another France U-19 player caught the eye at that tournament, even though he was a complete unknown to the wider public and many football insiders. His name was Antoine Griezmann.

His breakthrough at the U-19 Euros in 2010.

Griezmann, like Alessandrini previewed here before him, did not come out of the famed French system. He didn't go to Clairefontaine to rub shoulders with the future prima donnas of French football. Deemed too little when he was 14, Griezmann wasn't offered a youth contract anywhere in France. But scouts from Real Sociedad, in the Basque country close to the French border, were impressed by his talent. Despite doubts from his own parents, Antoine integrated the reputed Sociedad academy w from which the Alonso brothers graduated before him. OK, who cares about Mikel, but Xabi Alonso is one hell of a player.

And so he grew there, studying during the day in Bayonne in France, and then going to his academy in the evening. Despite the tiring schedules and demands, Griezmann graduated to the first team in 2009, with La Real still in La Segunda.

Griezmann literally exploded onto the scene that season, playing 39 matches in the league and scoring 6 goals, not bad for a recently turned 18 year old winger. Antoine played an influential role in his side, helping Sociedad return to La Liga within his first professional season.

With promotion came expectations and, despite the higher level of football, Griezmann adapted wonderfully to La Liga, keeping his place and scoring 7 goals in his second full season, and first in one of the top leagues in the world. Playing down the left wing, and using his wonderfully silky left foot, Griezmann was not only a serious goal threat, but also a vital creative source for his club. Griezmann kept up his level of performance in his third season, scoring another 7 league goals to help Sociedad stay in La Liga.

As a player and character, Griezmann is quite exuberant. He's been criticised for his over-complications with the ball at his feet, and has also been involved in some controversy. His celebration for his goal against La Coruna was criticised in Spain, despite the obviously cringy and comical nature of his joy. He is also suspended from all France national teams until the end of 2013 for having gone on a bender with some U-21s prior to a big game which they subsequently lost. Both times, however, Griezmann took the criticism head on and focused on his game again.



His 2012-2013 season has been even better than his previous ones. The left winger has partnered Arsenal 'reject' Carlos Vela (better than Chamakh and Gervinho put together by the way) to devastating effect in La Liga, and has already equalled his best goal return with 7 goals from 25 games, not all of them as a starter. Having just turned 22 on the 22nd March, Griezmann is undoubtedly an exciting prospect who's already proven his value with nearly 100 games in La Liga for Sociedad. When you consider how over-rated some English players are who've played only 20 games in the Prem (hello Jonjo Shelvey and Tom Cleverley) without having to carry their team, you'll understand that there's a reason why Griezmann has been linked with a number of top clubs, including Atletico Madrid, and even Barcelona after he scored against them at the start of the season. Definitely a player to watch out for.

                                     Scoring a Suarez-like goal against Valladolid last week-end

Worst case scenario: Hatem Ben Arfa
Best case scenario: A left-footed version of Pedro. Or better.

KD, a regular on the Round Table, is also a Reading fan. It might have slightly unnoticed because McDermott isn't the most charismatic manager, and because reading are not the most followed club, but owner Anton Zingarevich sacked Brian McDermott over a week ago. We asked KD how he felt, thinking that with time he might have been a bit calmer. Judge for yourselves.

Brian McDermott was sacked as the manager of Reading FC on 11th March 2013, 3 years and 3 months after replacing Brendan Rodgers, 11 months after achieving promotion to the Premier League, 10 months after being voted LMA manager of the year and 1 month after being awarded Premier League manager of the month. A sad, but all too common, consequence of the intolerance and haste present in the modern game that, in my opinion, is a direct result of the increasing monetary rewards (or punishments, in Reading’s case).

New owner, Anton Zingarevich, who purchased a 51% share in Reading from previous outright owner (and legend) John Madejski in May 2012, himself hinted in an interview shortly after the dismissal that his major concern lay with the potential financial losses associated with relegation to the Championship.

Madejski: the man, the myth, the stadium.

Unfortunately, no-one heard him utter a word about the fans, or why he didn’t have faith in Brain to be the man to keep us up this year or, indeed, promoted again next season. Funny really, considering in November when questioned about the usual rumours circulated amongst the press involving a club in a relegation battle, he said of McDermott ‘I have total faith in him and he has a long-term contract so I don't see any problem’. Well, the faith didn’t last long, and nor did the contract.

Brian McDermott is now unemployed, despite taking Reading from near relegation from the Championship to the Premier League in three seasons. And all this despite spending the preceding 9 seasons as Reading’s scout! What an exceptional career rise from a clearly talented manager. But with such a rise, has come a dramatic fall; a fall that, in my opinion, is wholly unjustified. When Brian was hired as manager we had just sacked Brendan Rodgers. Brendan is now orchestrating a revival in fortunes at Liverpool.

If he's made it to Liverpool after being awful at Reading, what does that say about McDermott?

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me – I’m not fooled this time Reading, I’m pissed. My biggest fear, and an ironic one if you recently read my article on what it is to be a Reading FC fan, is that the dignity and grace with which Reading, and in particular John Madesjki, have performed their business over the last decade, is now in jeopardy. Suddenly, Reading are on websites, in the newspapers and clogging up the well oiled rumour mill, for all the wrong reasons. Not too many neutrals now care whether Reading stay in the Premier League or not, but are more interested whether the next manager will be Gus Poyet, Roberto Di Matteo, Nigel Adkins or Sven-Goran Eriksson (who is nowadays synonymous with farcical manager-merry-go-rounds). If you want my opinion, I’d take McDermott back tomorrow. I think he is the best man to keep us in the league – partly because I do not think we have the players to stay, so what is the point in changing manager? – and would also be the best man to get us back next season; if not Brian, then Nigel Adkins. Or Jose Mourinho.

                                                                   "Fool me once..."

It has been said many times over this season, and is generally widely agreed, that Reading’s problem has been a lack of on-field quality. Even Jimmy Kebe, the legend himself, said in December ‘We are a good Championship team trying to compete in the Premier League – that's it.’ It is almost indisputable, in fact, when you read Reading’s season statistics: 3 clean sheets, 55% loss percentage, 39% average possession. There is not much a manager can do if your players don’t have the necessary quality to keep the ball.

At first, I was actually quite impressed with Zingarevich; he appeared astute, collected and wise. He didn’t splash the cash, like his Russian counterpart, and he seemed to be maintaining the clear, long-term vision that Madejski had installed. Unfortunately, though, the wise owl soon became the panicked rabbit in the headlights and his trigger finger became a tad too twitchy for my liking.

Anton tries to up the ante with Madejski in the Wag department. I still prefer Cilla.

Since, I have found other incriminating evidence that suggests Anton is not the sort of fella I fancy running our football club. Sure, I am probably now more inclined to feel aggrieved by any bad press I read, but this one really got me riled: Anton Zingarevich, standing proud, with an ear-to-ear grin in the Reading hospitality suite, with his model wife and her designer handbag. Firstly, Anton, if you are going to run our football club, don’t treat it like a Vanity Fair photo shoot. And, secondly, if you are going to bring your wife into the stadium, at least find one without the cellulite and bingo wings.

Signed, disgruntled and frustrated Reading fan x

International football comes back to town, and with it I begin to wonder why I should even think of turning my TV on to watch ITV's coverage of England vs Pope Francis' cardinals from a country which shouldn't really exist. And yes, I do know that San Marino is not the Vatican.

San Marino get ready for their big game against England

International football has become a bore, simple as that. Of course there's still the excitement of the World Cups and the Euros, and sometimes of the play-offs for these tournaments. But apart from that, it's pretty much dead. For England, and France (my team), it's become a bit of a formality. International football has definitely lost its lustre.

I feel typically justified in deciding not to watch England vs San Marino. After all, I do watch an obscene amount of football, read loads about it, and obviously write a blog dedicated to football. So watching England's players have a quick attack-defence drill against a team worse than the Pope's Swiss Guards (again with the Pope!) and not even break a sweat? No thank you.

England vs San Marino? Maybe. With Adrian Chiles? No thank you.

However, I do not believe that justifies the total loss of passion shown by the players themselves.

This is not a case of double standards, and I'm tired of people giving these players excuses. "Oh but this is a pointless game, and he's just coming back from full fitness!". "Oh, but their careers are so short, why would they risk injury to play San Marino?". This all exasperates me. Seriously.

I'm getting tired of players not loving their shirt anymore. Whilst I can understand clubs' reticence in allowing their employees to potentially break a leg playing against a pub team (after all, they're paying their wages), I'm appalled by the total disinterest from players. It's all so monotonous you see.

I remember one of the saddest days of my life. It was in June 2010, somewhere in South Africa, a place called Knysna. Don't ask me where in South Africa that is. I don't know and I don't care. All I remember is that's the day the players supposed to represent France insulted their own country.

I was incensed. Not only was their 'strike' just simply annoying because it fitted the deserved French stereotype (yes I know, we always go on strike for everything and anything). But, more importantly, it just showed they didn't care. I didn't get angry because they humiliated their country (and mine at the same time). I didn't get angry because I hated Domenech for not standing up to them.

No, I hated them because they destroyed my dream. They destroyed every boy's dream. This might sound populist or overly simple, but I hated these players for simply losing sense of what it is to represent your country, and what's more, to do it whilst playing football. I thought of all the kids, with their France shirts on their back, dreaming of playing at a World Cup. I remembered Franck Jurietti's smile at recording the shortest cap for France ever (5 seconds). I remembered inventing scenarios in my head when I was a kid, of what it would feel like to even put on that sacred shirt in front of everyone and play in those stadiums for even just 5 minutes. I remembered thinking of the pride I would have felt, not only for myself, but also for representing something bigger than myself.

I thought of all this as footage showed the players, with hands in their pockets, getting back onto the bus. I thought of this as players barely apologised, simply using excuses to try and justify their scandalous behaviour. I thought of Thierry Henry's hand ball, robbing Ireland and their wonderful fans of a World Cup adventure.

The moment of infamy: France players forget their values in Knysna in 2010.

Needless to say I was furious. This loss of identity from the players, their loss of relationship towards their game; it was shocking.

That's why the traditional merry go round which goes on whenever a pointless international game comes along is infuriating, and why I don't and won't accept it.

You knew this was coming, but let me take the Rio Ferdinand debacle as an example. Of course what he's done isn't as bad as what France's players did. Of course not. But I don't count settling a personal agenda or massaging your ego as being worthy of representing your country. That's not loving the shirt.

"That shirt is mine, I tell you. MINE! If I can't have it, no one can!"

For that's what Rio has done. Irked by the disregard Hodgson supposedly showed him, which by the way is the same disregard he's shown to so many players not selected, Rio has decided to use this opportunity as a reminder that he owns his England shirt, not the other way round.

And now that Roy, with more dignity than anyone has shown over all these events in the past few weeks, has swallowed his pride and asked him to come back, Rio has said "no", even as he knew all along that his club and his fitness wouldn't allow it.

It was a calculated, personal shot at the England manager. It was an arrogant smirk at the whole England institution.

Rio's reaction, as he jets off to Dubai to do some punditry and relax? "No different from what I did on the last 10 day international break." This lack of respect for the England shirt and what it represents is staggering. Rio made his point: he can move back into the England team anytime he wants, except this time. Because he's decided he doesn't really fancy it this time. Not against San Marino. Of course he was much more interested when Brazil was in town.

The Rio Ferdinand episode aptly destroys the 'careers-are-so-short" argument. For Rio, like the majority of international players (at least for big countries like England) recently, and certainly after him, will have no money problems or lack of opportunities once they retire. Just ask people like Paul Ince, Roy Keane, Gareth Southgate, Steve Staunton and many others who have been given way too many chances in management and punditry.

Memo to Rio: if Gareth can make it as a pundit, then surely you can.

I'm not buying all that, and I wished players and fans didn't. It's not only a question of professionalism. It's a question of duty, of honouring your pride in being picked to play for your country. It's about remembering all the boys and girls who dreamt of putting on that sacred shirt. Don't betray them. Go and play. No excuses anymore.

We continue the Tour de France of Ligue 1 clubs with Bordeaux, a club with a history of success over the years.


Bordeaux, like many cities in France, possesses a certain reputation. Whilst Paris is viewed as arrogant, Marseille as hot-blooded, and Lille as welcoming, Bordeaux is seen (and sees itself) as an intellectual city. From the cultured wineries to the famous law school named after French philosopher Montesquieu, Bordeaux has a sense of fine things which many other cities, Paris excluded, don't particularly aspire to.

The club itself is no different. Its name of 'Girondins' not only refers to Bordeaux's region, the Gironde, but also to members of the Girondins political party during the French Revolution. The Girondins were idealists and moderates (for the time). Their naivety led to their downfall at the hands of Robespierre (ever heard of him?) and others, but they have always been fondly remembered in French History. Well, as fondly as revolutionaries can be. But we're weird in France about that.

The Girondins during the French Revolution. Idealistic, moderate. Guillotined.

Bordeaux's stadium itself is named after a French political figure. Jacques Chaban-Delmas was a figure of the Resistance, fighting in the liberation of Paris, and mayor of Bordeaux for nearly 50 years. He was also a beloved liberal and open-minded politician known throughout France for his approachable nature and integrity. But it's still very Bordeaux-like to name their stadium after him.

Chaban-Delmas: French and Bordeaux hero. Also looked like an absolute 1950's stud.

I thought about making a wine reference,but I'm not so sure the Girondins do get better with age. And considering that's the only wine-related pun I can really think of, this can't do.

No, the Girondins are not especially getting better with age, but they have had sustainable success for a number of years. Led by French legends such as Jean Tigana and Alain Giresse in the 80's, the club attracted a number of young players and up-and-coming managers in the 90's and 2000's. From Aimé Jacquet, the victorious France 98 manager, to Rolland Courbis (pre-prison and Depardieu-like obesity) and finally Laurent Blanc, Bordeaux has had a succession of promising and successful managers.

Its list of players is also impressive. The 80's were the period of a number of Platini's France team-mates, from the previously-mentioned Tigana and Giresse to Battiston (the man beaten up by Schumacher in the 1982 World Cup semi-final) and Lacombe.

With the end of disgruntled owner Bez's time in the 90's came a new wave of young French players. The wonderful trio of Zidane-Dugarry-Lizarazu led the unfancied Girondins to the UEFA Cup Final 1996 and helped shape these players, bringing them to the attention of Juventus, Barcelona and Bayern Munich respectively.

Shocking shirt, bad hairstyles. But a great team led by Zidane, Dugarry and Lizarazu.

Despite the departure of such heralded names, Bordeaux under the hat-wearing Elie Baup (now manager of OM) won the title in 1999, pipping l'OM to the trophy on the final day of the season. Despite this success and the goalscoring exploits of Portuguese talisman Pauleta, Bordeaux struggled slightly in the early 2000's. Despite constantly reaching the UEFA Cup or the Champions' League, Bordeaux played a dour style of football under Ricardo.

And then Laurent Blanc happened, and Bordeaux enjoyed a superb run of success. Within two years, Blanc had done a Ligue 1-League Cup double whilst promoting a merry band of young French players led by (at the time) Zidane's successor Yoann Gourcuff. The new Magician and his team-mates Alou Diarra and Cedric Carasso even came close to a Champions' League semi-final and were cruising in the league, playing some exuberant and joyous football which tore teams apart.



And then it all went pear shaped. Despite being well ahead in Ligue 1, Bordeaux, probably unsettled by rumours of Blanc taking the France job, suffered a huge downturn in form. As in relegation form.

Blanc left at the end of the season, his reputation somehow untainted by his clear dereliction of duty. Ensued a chaotic tenure by Jean Tigana which ended with a mid-table finish. Now led by the able Gillot, Bordeaux are looking to return to the heights of the not so distant glory days. But you know what you're getting with Bordeaux. Unlike the wine, it's consistent. Finally, I managed to get my wine pun. Happy days.


THE MANAGER
After the disaster of Jean Tigana's tenure, Bordeaux needed someone to steady the ship, someone so impervious to pressure that Bordeaux could go back to its controversy-free ways. After highly successful spells at Lens and Sochaux, Francis Gillot has helped the club, despite its debts and the loss of its best players, bounce back and aim for Europe once again. Described by some as boring and conservative, Gillot is exactly the opposite: a passionate lover of good football. His teams at Sochaux fought relegation by playing entertaining football and trusting the youngsters, and Gillot seems to try to establish that pattern. A likeable, highly competent manager, Gillot also doesn't hide from his and his players' failings, notably declaring after this week-end's game against Toulouse that he was 'bored as f**k' by what he saw from his players. If that's not entertaining, I don't know what is.


STAR PLAYERS

Ludovic Obraniak is Bordeaux's technical leader. We portrayed him as one to watch in our preview of the Ligue 1 season, and Ludovic has continued to assert his influence. Playing as a left winger or in the hole, the man with the silky left foot has tried to combine with a variety of strikers (most of them bad; this to be explained soon), meaning he has had to be the main provider of goals and chances for a limited Bordeaux side. A very good player reaching maturity now.
Bordeaux have also had a history of very good goalkeepers, starting with Gaetan Huard in the 90's, followed by Ulrich Ramé in the 00's. Cédric Carrasso has continued that tradition ever since joining the Blanc revolution from Toulouse in 2009. Agile, brave and a commanding presence, the
France number 3 has been an integral part of one of France's best defences in years. Quite an achievement when you consider how defensive some of the Ligue 1 teams are. A very good goalkeeper, still in his prime at 31. Finally, he might look like a Peruvian music player, and he might have failed to live up to his hype, but Benoit Tremoulinas has been a very consistent performer at left back for several years for the Girondins. As an attacking full back, Tremoulinas has performed in the way a young Lizarazu did for Bordeaux back in the 90's. Always active, clever in his use of the ball, deceptively quick and with decent crossing ability, he has made the left back slot his own. Now 27, his time might have passed, but he still is one of Ligue 1's best left sided players, let alone defenders. He's also improved his
defending quite a lot in the last couple of years.












REMEMBER HIM?

David Bellion. Wow. You know what that means. Surprisingly, Bellion was signed by Laurent Blanc when he arrived. Since then, it's fair to say he hasn't really set the world alight. Not capable of holding the ball, not a great finished, he's only got out of Gillot's doghouse due to Gouffran's departure. Bordeaux are in trouble. Julien Faubert is also a name which makes me throw up, and he's back in Bordeaux. Ronster talked about him in some detail in his article, so have a look at his Ligue 1
review to know what I'm talking about. Finally, Henri Saivet has failed to confirm all the hopes placed in him at an early age, through a combination of injuries, poor choices and complacency. He's now found a place in Gillot's team and is finally starting to perform. He still has a long way to go before reaching the highs predicted by FM a while back.

During the 6 Nations, it seems as though football takes a (relative) back seat. It's all temporary of course. But Panth, writing here for the first time, disapproves of the football-bashing which goes on during those 6 weeks. Here are his views on the matter. Expect prose and lyricism

“Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans, and Rugby Union is a hooligans’ game played by gentlemen”.  Rarely does a conversation between football and rugby fans not contain this, admittedly rather witty, sentence justifying the supposed superiority of Rugby to its more popular Association ancestor.
I’m an ardent football fan writing on a football blog so let’s face it we all know which way my bias will lead me. Nevertheless surely all Rugby fans know this to be utter bollocks, and in any case its all just a bit of fun that no one truly believes to be a legitimate argument? I convince myself of this every single bloody year, and then the Six Nations rears into view and I increasingly come into contact with the Rugby fraternity.
It’s about this time that London’s pubs and bars become awash with City boys with perfectly quaffed hair and stupid rugby jerseys making silly sweeping statements about our beautiful game. Aside from the thinly veiled class snobbery, at the most basic level it shows a staggering lack of understanding of what goes on in their sport.

Good values or hypocrisy?

I’m not here to defend football. If I could I would ban 98% of the people involved in the playing, running, financing and support of football.  Indeed I happily enjoyed the final weekend of the six nations rugby, which offered up a fantastic finale of rugby, albeit somewhat humbling for an England fan. Also there is much to admire about rugby in that there seems to be far less of the jingoistic tribalism. Also on the whole Rugby player’s attitude to the referee is more respectful than footballs generally more confrontational aspect. Something which everyone can approve.

When the football v rugby question is raised by a brigade of London Pride wielding arses with upturned collars, two supposed tropes of football are raised as justification. The first is the off field indiscretions of football players and the second their on field sporting behaviour. I can’t deny either of the above aren’t a continual cause for concern. What I will not tolerate is the convenient gaps in Rugby fans history when they broach this subject. Some show such a gift for rewriting history that the Stasi would have been proud to number them among their ranks.

Off field indiscretions
John Terry, Ryan Giggs, and Ashley Cole. All prime examples of the football love rat that apparently so sets apart the filthy prols from their noble rugby opponents. Shall we add to the list Will Carling rugby love rat? A man who’s personal life was splashed all over the tabloids in the 90’s the suggesting being he had a penchant for extra-marital affairs which was rumoured to have included Princess Diana. Like Ryan Giggs here was a man labelled as a consummate pro with a clean-cut image.

Or how about the antics of the rugby team shortly following a fairly average performance against Argentina in the 2011 Rugby World Cup. Tindall was specifically singled out for bringing into disrepute English rugby and the Queen’s granddaughter no less, and that’s before we even get to his dwarf throwing habit!

Chris Ashton practising his passing skills...by using dwarves. The England 2011 World Cup debacle.

How about Dallaglio and his sting at the hands of the NotW in the 90’s when he was caught using and dealing  hard drugs. The former chorister is from better stock and should know better than to partake in the lowly antics of a professional footballer!

Dallaglio is no better than Cashley.

Lets not even start on England’s tour of New Zealand in 2008. I could go on but I think there is enough here already to suggest Rugby is not insulated from indiscretion and bedroom scandal. To decry football for such salacious behaviour is hypocrisy of the highest order. The most damming evidence I have had comes from friends who have the fortune of working in and around rugby (some as players), everyone of them to a man believes that if rugby had the same profile as football the level of scandal would be indistinguishable.

On field sporting behaviour
It seems to be the suggestion of the All Bar One brigade that Rugby works on some higher level of sportsmanship that its seedier brother football couldn’t even begin to comprehend let alone obtain. I am sure there is rugby fans that believe their stars have obtained such a level godliness that they don’t walk, but float unaided a few centimetres off the ground, presumably propelled by their own sense of self-satisfaction.

Oh so we are supposed to ignore the gouging, stamping, punching and kicking that occurs virtually on a game-to-game basis in the rucks and scrums of rugby? Now I am the first to decry the scourge of diving and its affect on the image of the beautiful game but surely the risk of long-term injury and permanent damage found in stamping and eye-gouging is far more scandalous than whether a player has gone to ground a tad too easily? I’d much rather be angry at an opponent for blatantly play-acting than looking up in anguish as my leg points in the wrong direction.

Ridiculous diving and simulation by that Lions player. Oh wait, he's just casually got his eyes gouged. Rugby is such a clean sport.

Finally, lest we forget; Bloodgate and Grannygate. Cheating that was of such high order that it managed to disrupt the virtually continuous and almost entirely football based news cycle of Sky Sports News. When Sky Sports News starts showing an interest beyond three minutes for something other than football you know either Team Sky cycling is being shamelessly plugged or a pact has been made with Beelzebub.
None of the above mentioned is acceptable, they taint the beauty of sporting endeavour and set an unhealthy example for our most impressionable children and idiots. BUT equally none of the above is exclusively confined to the Gentleman’s game. A Hooligans game played by Gentleman? Please!

Winking to those Sky Sports News 'journalists'

It's a sad reality of football that managers are the only people who really face criticism. Sure, players get some stick, but they'll always be able to find another club. And they're always the reason why a manager gets the sack, whether it's down to their performance or to their attitude.

Take Rafa Benitez's time at Chelsea. Sure, that was a stupid choice in the first place. Rafa is pompous, arrogant and believes in his own hype. But he's also proven in the past to be an efficient if unspectacular manager, and he's got a certain pedigree of success, even if it dates back to (in football) ancient times.



But, similar to Luiz Felipe Scolari or AVB before him, he's been victim of certain players' attitude. I'm of course talking about John Terry, but I feel safe in guessing he's not the only player behaving in a certain way. And when Benitez will be let go, JT and co will simply go back to their job, waiting for another puppet manager so they can resume their reign. Benitez, on the other hand, despite all his efforts, will look for another job.

Let's be clear, I'm not crying for Benitez. He'll find a job anyway and he's deeply unlikeable. And it's not only at Chelsea that these going-ons happen. I can think of other teams where players have clearly under-performed or behaved atrociously, but there are too many instances of such things happening to be able to name them all. Why do you think players' form tends to pick up after a change of manager?

But the beauty of football, and of the Premier League in particular, is that there are rare occasions when it is so clear that the manager is incompetent that he's a dead man walking, no matter how hard his players play for him. We are here to pay tribute to these managers.

1. Steve Kean

Undoubtedly the worst of the lot. And he doesn't deserve any pity or mercy. Steve Kean was a nobody until he arrived at Blackburn, and it should have stayed that way. A long-time unknown member of various backroom staffs, the Scot was given added responsibilities by an impressed Sam Allardyce. So far, so good. But then Allardyce was sacked by chicken farmers Venky's, and Steve Kean took over. Even the manner of his appointment was strange, with Big Sam obviously alluding to some back stabbing from the new Blackburn manager.

His arrival wasn't the most celebrated but Blackburn fans were willing to give him a chance to start with. Those were the days when Venky's were supposedly approaching Ronaldinho and other big name players, so it was easy for Blackburn fans to look the other way and not really care who was in charge. Or so they thought.

What happened next was a farce of epic proportions. From chicken throwing to plane-banner-passing (is there even a term for that?), Kean proved to be so incompetent that Blackburn fans devised incredibly innovative way of making their feelings known. Seriously. It was impressive stuff.

That chicken loved the club more than Steve Kean ever did.

Kean was so out of depth it was unbelievable. He bought horrendous players, never knew which tactics to play, often seemed to either gamble or leave it all to chance. He single-handedly took a club down. Now that's quite an achievement.

I think what annoyed fans and pundits alike as well was the fact Kean was so delusional and optimistic all the freaking time. That and being Venky's puppet. It was embarrassing. And don't give me the bull-crap about him showing dignity when faced with so much abuse. If he'd had any dignity, he would have resigned, simply to save the club. Instead, he made sure we wouldn't see Blackburn in the Premier League for years. It's not that I particularly miss them, but it's still a sad state of affairs.

"Get that chicken out of my way. I've got work to do: Grant Hanley is my centre-back."

2. Iain Dowie

From being named the Premier League's ugliest player of all time to making it to number 2 on our list, it's clear things haven't been going too smoothly for Iain Dowie. I'll give him credit where it's due and say he did OK at Palace by getting them promoted (no mean feat) and only just narrowly failing to beat the drop. What annoyed me more at the time was the press coverage of his tenure as Dowie being such an innovative manager. It used to go along the lines of "ooooh he brought a physio with him and his team does work in the swimming pool. How clever!" Forget the fact that the physio was his brother and that he was revolutionising squat, and we had another example of a youngish, average English manager being touted for future stardom. Give me a break.

We've since then had a great glimpse of Dowie's ability. For spending about £15m at Charlton (more than was ever given to Curbs) and getting sacked after 15 games whilst sending an established Premier League club down the leagues (from where they haven't come back yet), Dowie deserves a serious telling-off. Especially when Charlton were Fulham's predecessors as everyone's second favourite club.

This could all have been a simple bump in the road. But it wasn't. Dowie showed his mettle by agreeing to being Shearer's assistant at Newcastle. Fyi, that's worse than Nick Clegg becoming Cameron's b***h (I'm getting political here): you look hopeless and clueless. Which is pretty much what he did.
Finally, Dowie finished his Premier League roundabout by becoming Hull's 'Football Consultant' after Phil Brown was sent on 'gardening leave'. If ever there was more of a shambles than that I will never know. Needless to say Hull went down.

"What do you mean Steven Mouyokolo is not a striker?"

3. Alain Perrin

Alain Perrin has quite a big reputation in France. I know, shocker. But, when he joined Pompey, he'd had a decent track record, helping Troyes (traditional yo-yo club) reach Europe, and doing well at a difficult OM. Of course he'd also gone to the Middle East, so we didn't really know what he was worth anymore.

And then we found out. We found a manager so unadapted for this league it was untrue. Perrin was a disciplinarian, more interested in tactical discipline than flair or creativity. Which should have worked well for Pompey considering they were always fighting relegation. Except it didn't. And Perrin didn't even seem to care one little bit. An absolute enigma.

"I am bemused. Why do my players not defend or score?"

4. Avram Grant

Only number 4, you might ask? I know, right? Avram Grant is a leech. We don't know where he's come from, where he's going, but we do know he sucks the life and enthusiasm out of a football club. Any football club, big or small.

He first popped onto our radar at Pompey, in a supposed power struggle with 'Arry. by the way, there's always a power struggle at some point with 'Arry. And then he disappeared for a while. Just like that. We had no clue. What was he up to? What was he meant to be doing? Who knows?

And then he popped up at Chelsea, as a 'personal friend' of Abramovich. Talk about getting there on merits. When Mourinho left, he took over. Somehow. And yet we still didn't notice him. That's because he has the charisma of.... I don't even know. Who has awful charisma? Ed Miliband?

Anyway, Avram simply coasted at Chelsea, having to hire Henk ten Cate as his assistant because he didn't and never had the requried UEFA badges. No surprise there really; Somehow he came within a post of winning the Champions' Leaue. Knowing Chelsea, JT and Avram as I do, and despite severely disliking Man Utd and Fergie, we came close to something awful. Very close indeed.

His inspirational stint at Chelsea over, Avram contributed to the beautiful falls from grace at both Pompey and West Ham, making his teams play an uninspiring and dull style of football whilst continuing to show absolutely no emotions whatsoever, simply taking the cheque and going home at the end of the day.

For the way he got those jobs and his performance, he deserves to be in the top 5. And now that I'm typing this, he should have probably made the top 3. But it's so tight up there.

"Avram happy. Avram sad."

5. Alex McLeish

What is there to say about Alex McLeish? Devoid of ideas but granted a surprisingly big reputation, the red-faced (because he's so angry) ex-Rangers managers had gained a lot of credit, somehow, for winning titles with Rangers. Memo to everyone: it's incredibly simple to win a title or cup in Scotland when you're managing Rangers or Celtic. OK, maybe not now for Rangers, but during his time it was soooo easy. To be fair to him, McLeish had done well managing Scotland, coming close to qualifying for a major tournament. That's the only concession I'll give him.

Apart from that? McLeish managed to get Birmingham relegated, then promoted, then relegated again after 2 seasons. Sure they won the Carling Cup, thanks to an Arsenal shocker (thanks Wojcech!). But they also played the most uninspiring football EVER seen on these shores. It was absolutely dreadful. And you knew it was never going to get any better with Nikola Zigic in the team. God that was just awful to watch.

So what did Alex do when he got his club relegated? He simply jumped out of the burning ship (great loyalty) and proceeded to do EXACTLY the same thing at Villa, also known as Birmingham's deadly rivals. Idiot.

The worst thing with Alex McLeish wasn't that he got an overblown reputation to start with, nor that he got away with helping to destroy Birmingham and inflicting upon us the worst football of all kind. No, the worst thing was that he kept saying he hadn't been given a fair chance at Villa. Sorry Alex, you got a fair chance. You got sacked because you're s**t. And that's The Truth. That's right, two capital Ts. An insufferable manager.

"We've decided to be ambitious and play 5-4-1"

6. Lawrie Sanchez

From hero to worse than zero in a couple of months, Lawrie Sanchez nearly did the same thing as Steve Kean. He took over an established Premier League club in trouble, somehow managed to keep them up, and then embarked on an orgy of incompetence and stupid decisions.

If there is one thing I hate, it's a manager always signing the same players all the time, whenever they move club. Be it Harry Redknapp, Big Sam (whose relationship with Kevin Nolan borders on the obscene) or even José Mourinho and his love of Portugeezers. It's a real pet peeve. It stinks of complacency and laziness.

So you can understand when I wasn't best pleased that we suddenly saw an influx of Northern Ireland players at Craven Cottage. Whilst Aaron Hughes and, to a certain extent, Chris Baird, were successes, I still can't count Steven Davies and David Healy amongst that list of players. Add to that a list of Championship players for massive fees (we're talking about Fulham here) and you can understand the frustration. It was all too predictable when Lawrie's immovable 4-4-2 with Healy and Diomansy Kamara (gasps!) up front failed to live up to his expectations. Fulham were unsurprisingly heading towards the Champo. It was a relief when a clearly out of his depth Lawrie was sacked, and the club was saved. Since then? He's managed Barnet. I rest my case.

"My rose-tinted glasses show me that Lee Cook and David Healy are Premier League material."

7. Claudio Ranieri

The Tinkerman. I never understood the sort of friendly patronising attitude everyone had towards Ranieri. People simply brushed it off and remember his time with fondness. Seriously?

The man was an embarrassment. He still couldn't speak a damn word of English after about 4 years at the club! That's just shocking, no matter what.

His management skills? The man never knew what he was doing. It was so obvious. And he had a great team, even before Abramovich's arrival.

I think people finally started to understand how rubbish he was when Chelsea threw away the Monaco tie in the Champions' League. I mean, they lost 5-3 on aggregate. 5-3! Even though Monaco played down to 10 and Chelsea led 2-0 at home! How did that happen? It happened because of gross incompetence. That's how you have to qualify it when your team was Cudicini, Melchiot (Johnson), Gallas, Terry, Bridge, Gronkjaer, Lampard, Geremi (Parker), Cole, Hasselbaink (Crespo), Gudjohnsen. If I did the same kind of thing at work, I'd be out of the job and I'd need about 10 years before finding the same kind of work. But we're talking about football, so people now remember this incapable manager fondly. Even though he failed to even mount a title challenge with such great teams. Weird.

"My translator is down there. Go talk to him. Because I don't even know what I'm talking about."

8. Christian Gross

"The ticket to my dreams". That's what Christian Gross told us when he arrived at White Hart lane, brandishing his train ticket for all to see. You gotta love the over-confidence. Especially when it makes the man look like a fool several months later.

I guess Alan Sugar was a visionary by appointing a rubbish foreign manager. So many owners followed his path. I suppose we can thank Sugar and Gross for their contribution to football and its comic value.

Gross was simply unprepared and unqualified to take over. He was constantly criticised by the press, clearly didn't connect with his players, and was unsure as to which type of football he wanted his team to play. All in all, it was a disaster. And it lasted 9 whole months. Impressive.

On a side note, it was extremely funny to see him do well with Basel a couple of years back. If only for brining back the memory of the train ticket press conference. Glorious.

"Did I buy a return ticket? Why are you asking me this?"

9. Sammy Lee

I could have put Chris Hutchings there. But Sammy Lee was undoubtedly worse as he took over a better club. If ever there was a reason why many owners don't go for assistants, it's Sammy Lee. I don't think I need to add anything to that. He's the reason they brought Gary Megson to the club. Yikes.




10. Alan Shearer, Tony Adams and Paul Ince

I've decided to put them all together because a lesson should be learned there. "A great manager a great player does not make", Shakespeare would have said. And the Old Bard would have been right on cue with that assessment. It's fair to say that Shearer, Adams and Ince all had stellar careers. They played for great clubs, they played for their country, they were loved by their fans and respected by opponents. But they simply don't make good managers.