Wally with a Brolly

Watching football on TV infuriates me more and more at the moment. MOTD has a lot to do with that, with Hansen becoming complacent and a stereotype whilst Alan Shearer is still Alan Shearer, with all that it entails.

ITV is better of course, insulting every football fan across the land by having us believe Adrian Chiles is the man for the job because 'he's just like us'. Sorry ITV but unless you believe we think of ourselves as ignorant buffoons then you're seriously mistaken. Adrian Chiles is incompetent, unlikeable and unbelievably annoying. And him earning more than £1m per year means he has nothing in common with the majority of football fans. So thanks for that view you have of us.

Adrian Chiles: with a beard like that he's definitely not like you or me.

And I haven't even mentioned ITV's choice of pundits.

Southgate? Failure as a manager. Partnered Jeremie Aliadiere with Afonso Alves.

Aliadiere and Alves: Southgate's recipe for success. Or the reason he's on ITV.

Keane? Not only is he a despicable human being but he's such a great manager that he now has a choice between Kasimpasa (who?) and Blackburn.

Dixon? The guy wasn't competent enough to cut it at the BBC. That's quite a statement.

I could also rant at commentators' ignorance of anything beyond the Premier League. Cazorla? According to one pundit, "Arsene Wenger took a lot of stick and a big risk signing him this summer, but he's exceeded expectations." That statement is just idiotic in so many ways.

But no I'm not going to have a massive rant at these issues. What I am going to have a go at is people's schizophrenia when it comes to diving in the Premier League.

Let's rewind back to the 80s. I didn't get to see anything from that era, you know, due to me not being born yet. But we're constantly told that this was sort of a golden era.

Forget the institutionalised racism at the time, or the excessive and shameful hooliganism which (mostly) British 'fans' brought along with them. The 80s were the time when football was at its purest, when there was no diving, only fully-committed challenges between MEN.

Hoddle (left) 'barely tackled' by a Coventry players in the 80s. 'Football was better back then'.

Sure it was also the time when players such as Hoddle, Wilkins and Barnes were much-maligned whilst the Vinnie Joneses, Peter Reids and Terry Butchers of this world were celebrated. Primitive football was better because there was no diving, no cheating. Because there were no foreigners.

And then the 90s happened, and along came the Premier League and the Bosman affair. And so foreign players arrived in their masses and instigated a culture of diving never seen before on these shores. Or so we're told. Except that's just plain wrong. What foreign players brought at that time was skill, tactical awareness and an acute understanding of British culture.

Here are 5 quick names of foreign players who came to England in the early to mid-90s: Eric Cantona, Henning Berg, John Jensen, Dennis Bergkamp, Patrick Vieira. Now tell me which one you remember seeing dive.

John Jensen: you seriously think that man brought a diving culture with him?

Even the ones we thought would dive didn't. Jurgen Klinsmann made great fun of allegations of diving with his superb goal celebrations. Paolo Di Canio didn't dive, a referee did. Same thing for Zola and Juninho, and they were 5 ft 5 and Italian and Brzilian respectively. And let's be honest, if I'd been Gianfranco and I'd seen Gary Mabbutt or Razor Ruddock targeting me, I would have dived. Simply for safety purposes. But Gianfranco didn't.

So the argument of the 90s foreign footballers bringing a diving culture to these shores is just false.

These players didn't. What did bring diving to England was the rise of the Champions' League and the importance of results by any means. Very few foreigners playing for British clubs actually dived.

Of course the 00s did bring diving players to the Premier League. We all remember Didier Drogba throwing himself around despite being the biggest man on the pitch. We also remember Robert Pires shamelessly putting a leg out against Portsmouth to fall and earn himself a penalty.

I'll tell you what: I also remember Robbie Fowler diving over David Seaman in the 90s and earning a penalty. Oh sure he was sooooo chivalrous about it, going to the ref and saying there was no foul. How did that story end? Liverpool scored. Wasn't that achieved through cheating?

                  How can Robbie Fowler be 'honest' when he dives, wins a penalty and Liverpool score?

I also remember Robbie Savage, supposed hard man in the middle of the park, diving for Leicester against Derby County. I also clearly remember Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney and many other 'real' British players trying and sometimes managing to win penalties through diving.

                                         'Steven Gerrard wouldn't dive, he's English'. Sorry mate.



             'OK, maybe Gerrard. But not Rooney. He's too stupid and honest to dive'. Sorry again mate.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that a small minority of foreign players did dive, but so did a minority of British players, and that was before and during the 'invasion' of foreign players.

As we rolled into the 10s (is that how we're meant to call them?), diving is still prevalent and has rightly become an issue due to the incredible amount of footage available.

But who has committed the worst diving offences in the last 12 months? Of course Luis Suarez is up there. And he's the worst of them. But the two biggest culprits in my book after him are both English and both play for Manchester United. Welcome to the discussion Ashley Young and Danny Welbeck.



And this is why I hate the convenience of blaming foreign players for the diving and the ridiculous aspect of that argument. Not only is that a false statement, but English commentators take the moral high ground for defending their players.

Are you telling me Luis Suarez's dives in the box are worst than Young's or Welbeck's? All of them are trying to cheat and con the ref. So why is Suarez a 'cheat' but Welbeck and Young simply 'won' the penalty?

And how can British players take the moral high ground? Surely if Suarez has been brought up in a country where diving is seen as a positive then he's doing nothing morally wrong in his own culture. But if England is a place where diving has never been welcomed and encouraged, then why do people like Young and Welbeck have any moral leg to stand on? They're reneging their supposed cultural heritage. And isn't that worse than what Suarez is doing?

                 Everything that's wrong with pundits' behaviours. Because Welbeck is English, there's an assumption he didn't dive and was 'honest'. Sorry everyone, he's English and he's a diving cheat.

To conclude, all I'm asking for is consistency and fairness. Sure, diving happens quite a lot nowadays but it, just like football, is universal. It has no nationality, no colour, no language. It's just there. And the sooner we come to accept that, the easier it will be for us to combat it. So let's end the hypocrisy and condemn all players who dive.

OK this is going to be one feature I'm definitely going to finish, and not only because I'm French. Let's be honest, the previous lists were obscene in the average nature of all the footballers listed. One thing I've been trying to explain every time is that pedigree, although it should be a safety net, doesn't always ensure that you've made a great signing. This list is a perfect example of that: out of 14 players, 2 of them won the World Cup in 1998 and 6 others played for France, with none of them being a one-cap wonder (a special mention to David Nugent. You will always be in our hearts). And that's pretty scary.

GAEL GIVET

Remember the 2003-2004 Champions' League, how crazy it was? That was when we discovered Mourinho, Nuno Valente and others. Porto won the damn thing, Monaco went all the way to final whilst winning some epic games along the way. I mean, Dado Prso scored 4 goals in an 8-3 win over Deportivo La Coruna! Dado freaking Prso!That was absolutely crazy. Even Edgaras Jankauskas had some fun scoring for Porto. Football had lost all its senses. And it was fun.

Prso: only a mention in this article. Not French yet average. But I couldn't pass a chance to put on a photo of a man with such a superb choice of hair. Gorgeous.

With hindsight, what seems even crazier wasn't the fact Monaco got to the final; it's that they got to the final with a defence which contained Gaël Givet and Sebastien Squillaci (more on him later. You knew he'd be in the list)!

It all seems a joke now, but Givet was actually a very strong performer in that team. Starting every game, he proved he could play anywhere across the back four, even in defence. He was a soldier, a real defender. He loved the physical aspect of the game and, even though he lacked pace, he never gave up. He quickly became a fans' favourite and earned a move to Marseille where, like so many before him, his career floundered. After a distinctly average season he moved on to Blackburn in 2009.

Did anything change? Not really. Gaël was still a fighter, still a fans' favourite, still lacked pace and still played everwhere across the back four. Only one thing changed: he didn't get any better. He really didn't get any better. In fact he got worse. Oh we're not talking Squillaci-bad but Gaël became progressively worse. Altercations with Steve Kean (joke of a manager) were overshadowed by an incident where Givet suffered from heart palpitations. He is still playing now. But he's still distinctly average. He's still better than Grant Hanley though.

There's something odd about this photo but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

A poster boy for this feature.

ALAIN GOMA

Alain Goma was the French Andy Melville. It's a good thing they played together then.

Alain actually came to the Uk with a decent pedigree (that word again). After being an integral aprt of Auxerre's title-winning team in 1996 and playing for PSG, Goma had experienced Champions' League football and the honour of two French caps. All that by the time he turned 27. Not bad.

And 'not bad' would be the assessment of his time in the UK. He was as solid albeit unspectacular player for Newcastle, then became a rock for the 'defence' which Jean Tigana built at Fulham.

By the time his tenure at Fulham ended though, he ad become a bit of a joke. Slow, cumbersome, not great on the ball, he actually lost his place to Zat Knight. Sure, that was down to Chris Coleman being a fool, but Goma was getting old and bad.

All in all, a decent servant, even though Fulham never really had a solid defence with Goma in the side.

Goma outpaced by Brian Deane. Not a good sign. Unfortunately for the 'good guy' Goma, that's the last memory I have of him. Harsh and unfair for a good servant.

XAVIER GRAVELAINE

Xavier Gravelaine was THE example of a football mercenary. Despite being blessed with talent and a gorgeous left foot, Xavier never settled at any club. Actually that's an understatement. The man moved clubs an incredible 20 times in an 18-year career. Honestly, I'm not making that up. It must be some kind of record. But there was talent: he played for PSG and Marseille in the 90's and even eraned 4 caps for France. He somehow ended up at Watford during the 1999-2000 season where he managed to do his best Houdini impression, playing 7 games and scoring 2 goals. Was he good? Was he bad? I don't know, no one remembers him being on these shores. I'm not even sure he remembers his time at Watford either. I think the man invented the word 'mercurial'. A mystery, and not just for his time at Watford.

A collector's item: Gravelaine in action for Watford. If you ask him, he'll understand it as a question: "What-ford?". That's because he doesn't remember his time there. And neither do we.

LEANDRE GRIFFIT

Leandre Griffit is another example of a French youngster who left France too soon. After only a handful of games for Ligue 2 side Amiens, Leandre joined Southampton in 2003 and promptly scored 2 goals in his first 5 games. People at Southampton were raving about his technical ability and a potential for a superbly technical and enthusiastic wing partnership with Fabrice Fernandes. Alas, it wasn't to be. Leandre only played 2 more games for Southampton before leaving. He was last seen gracing pitches in 2010, still only aged 26, and playing in the MLS after turns in Sweden and Belgium. A mystery.

Leandre Griffit: not really a sporting hero.

GILLES GRIMANDI

Some players managed to do a lot with very little ability. Step in Gilles Grimandi. A distinctly average player for Monaco, Gilles joined Arsenal in 1997, still only 27, and coined the term 'versatile'. Playing at centre-back, right-back or in central midfield, he was always available when players were out, and would step in and do his job properly. The archetypal 6 or 7/10 player for Arsène Wenger, he was instantly liked for his unassuming personality and the fact he was content with his role at the club. This was even more evident by the fact that he retired after being released by Arsenal in 2002, still only aged 32. A faithful servant to the club, he has since been quite successful in scouting young French players for Arsenal.

Every manager needs a few Gilles Grimandi's in their squad. And no, that's not meant as a joke.


If ever there was evidence of how much of a nice and dedicated guy Grimandi was, it was in this testimonial game for Bergkamp. Look how he tackles Edgar Davids and then cracks up.

Gilles Grimandi, we salute you.

STEPHANE GUIVARC'H

There was a time when Stéphane Guivarc'h was feared on football pitches. No joke. The gy was a goalscoring machine for clubs in Ligue 1 in the mid-90s, winning the Golden Boot two seasons running between 1996-1998. So, when he was chosen as France's spearhead for their World Cup 98 team not many were complaining in France. Unfortunately for Stéphane, he got himself injured in the first game against South Africa. It's fair to say his career went downhill after that, and his time at Newcastle sure didn't help his reputation.

It was both strange and unsurprising at the same time that Newcastle bought Guivarc'h after the World Cup 98. Unsurprising in the sense that he was a recognised goalscorer in France, as we've previously mentioned. But strange because, if anyone has ever watched the France 98 World Cup final, you'd know Guivarc'h just wasn't good enough at an elite level.

Sure France won 3-0 and celebrated winning the World Cup for years after that. But Guivarc'h in that game missed about 8 sitters, including 2 or  one-on-ones with Taffarel. It was an incredible show of striker incompetence.

His time at Newcastle? 4 games and a goal. And then he was gone. I honestly don't have any memory of him playing in the Premier League. He was even selected by the Daily Mail as 'the worst striker to play in the Premier League' in 2009. His response? Calling the Daily Mail 'crap' and saying England hadn't contributed anything to football since 1966.

Stéphane Guivarc'h, we salute you. But not for the same reasons as Gilles Grimandi.

Guivarc'h: he went for Bergkamp's look but didn't go for his footballing style. A failure.

GAEL KAKUTA

Gaël Kakuta is to Chelsea what Jérémie Aliadière was to Arsenal. Should I even add anything at this point?

Kakuta joined Chelsea in 2007 from the famed RC Lens academy. Still only 16, he came with a big reputation, with RC Lens clearly unhappy about the player leaving them so early on and for nothing in return. They eventually got something back in 2009 when Chelsea were fined and Kakuta suspended for 4 months. it was a big statement that Chelsea were more than happy to pay the fine due to their belief that Kakuta was going to become world-class in a few years and would justify that investment.

And so, when Gaêl finally started playing for Chelsea with a few cameos, people were intrigued. Was the boy that good? After all, he had won the U-19 Euros with France in 2010. He certainly seemed to look the part, playing with invention and tempo in his 6 first-team appearances between 2009 and 2011. After all, the boy was still only 20 and he was faced with immense competition. So was the argument.

Kakuta: still young but a failure so far.

Gaël wanted playing time and joined Fulham on loan in 2010. Once again, he was restricted to substitute appearances, playing only 7 games between January and June 2011. But again, he showed glimpses.

Coming back to Chelsea in the summer of 2011, Kakuta wanted to finally become a regular...somewhere. So he joined Bolton on loan, encouraged by Daniel Sturridge's development the year before and Owen Coyle's faith in youngsters.. It made sense. But Kakuta disappeared.

Now he's on loan again, but at Vitesse Arnhem in the Netherlands. Sigh. Need I say more?

OLIVIER KAPO

Kapo was one half of a superb double act at Auxerre in the early 00's. Whilst Djibril Cissé grabbed all the attention for his flamboyant style and goalscoring exploits, Kapo was the main provider of assists and scored beautiful goals from the left-wing position. Having won 9 caps and scored 3 caps for France by 2004, Olivier decided to test himself abroad./And it was a failure. Unable to make the cut at Juve, then loaned out at Monaco and Levante, Kapo finally joined Birmingham in 2007.

He scored on his debut and was again a creative force. Unfortunately for him, something bad happened to him. Alex McLeish happened. And, let's be honest, Kapo was too creative for Big 'Al. For McLeish, a creative player is Craig Gardner or Barry Ferguson. He didn't know what he had in Kapo.

The mugshot of the man who didn't know what to do with Kapo: McLeish and his fear of creative players.

So, after the inevitable relegation, Kapo left Birmingham to rejoin Steve Bruce at Wigan. But it was an unhappy second spell with Brucey. Hampered by injuries and a lack of rhythm, Kapo only played 20 Premier League games over the next two seasons before being loaned out and released.

All in all, it was a shame it didn't work out for Kapo. He was a very sound technical player who would have been ideally suited for team fighting relegation and in need of a creative playmaker capable of scoring goals. Unfortunately for Olivier, his managers didn't see that in him. A case of 'what could have been'.

Kapo during happier times at Birmingham

CHRISTIAN KAREMBEU

Haaaa Karembeu. the man won the World Cup but he was more famous for his wife. Honestly, she was absolutely gorgeous. All that is a bit harsh considering Christian did have a distinguished career in the game. After all, he did win 53 caps for France, played extensively during World Cup 98 and was part of the squad which won Euro 2000 (he only played one game). He'd also played for an all-conquering Nantes side in the 90s as well as for Sampdoria and Real Madrid.

I have good memories of Christian. Whilst he wasn't necessarily the most talented, he was always a committed player who gave everything to his teams, especially to France. His dreadlocks were funky, he had a gorgeous wife and he seemed to be a likeable guy.

Karembeu: he was a lucky man, and not just because he won the World Cup and the Euros.

His time at Middlesbrough was exactly that. Karembeu acquitted himself well on the pitch, even though he clearly wasn't a world-class player and there were doubts as to whether he ever had been. He also complimented Middlesbrough and was well-liked despite his wife's desire to be on the first plane out of Teesside.

All in all he was exactly what you'd hope for from a player who came to you on loan. He was committed and professional. But he didn't set the world alight and left after 33 games and 4 goals for the sunnier climes that is Greece.

Karembeu: the fear in his eyes is because he's been given a tour of Middlesbrough.

MARC KELLER

Did you know that Marc Keller won 6 caps for France between 1995 and 1998, and was tipped at one point to be included in the eventual World Cup winning squad? I guess that doesn't answer your original question of "Marc Keller?", but it shows he was a decent players, even though the France team in the mid-90s did welcome a lot of donkeys, many of whom have made these lists.

Keller joined West Ham in 1998 at the ripe age of 30. A cultured midfielder who had had successful spells for Strasbourg and Kalsruher. What ensued was a 2 year stay where he managed to play 44 games and score 5 goals. Again, at 22 games a season, that pretty much ensures you were a squad player.

Apparently he also joined Portsmouth on loan (3 games) then Blackburn (2 games) before retiring in 2002. A classic example of an unheralded player who came and did his job, he was neither horrendous nor incredible. he was average. And so he belongs to this list.

Marc Keller: the epitome of the average French player in the Prem.

BERNARD LAMBOURDE

Chelsea have usually struck gold with their French centre-backs. Honestly, Desailly, Leboeuf and Gallas (before his douche-ish phase) makes for good reading. And then there's Bernard Lambourde. And he's obviously not part of that list. He's on a list all by himself.

Bernard had apparently played a full season for Bordeaux before joining Chelsea in 1997. Really? I have no memories of that guy playing in France. OK I was 7 at the time, but I'm pretty sure no one else knew him. He was part of the 'Revolution' at Chelsea, where they literally didn't care about passports or talent in their aim to field an all foreign XI. I mean, sure they had Poyet, Zola, Flo, Leboeuf and others. They also had Emerson Thome, Ambrosetti and Lambourde.

So how good was Lambourde? Well, he played 40 Premier League games in 4 seasons at the club. If that doesn't scream 'squad player', I don't know what will. You're telling me they couldn't have found a young English centre-back at the time to fill in the gaps? Hell, I'd even have taken Celestine Babayaro at centre-back rather than Bernard.

In 2001 Lambourde left for Portsmouth where he played a grand total of 6 games before returning to France and playing for Bastia.

You know how you can tell a player's contribution to football was insignificant? It's when he has question marks next to his clubs on his Wikipedia page. And Bernard, after leaving Bastia in 2003, only has question marks next to his spells at Nancy and Al Wahda. Sad, but an apt display of how anonymous and useless he was during his time playing football.

Lambourde: Wikipedia says: ?

LILIAN LASLANDES

I once played a prank on one of my good mates at university. Knowing he hailed from Canada, I convinced him, despite having never eaten one myself, that Pukka-Pies were a reference in the British pie world. I seriously lobbied for him to try one on several occasions but he always relented. And then, one day, out of the blue, he told me he'd bought one and had eaten it at home. Let's just say he wasn't too happy when I laughed and told him the truth.

I honestly believed that the Sunderland players played the same prank on Lilian Laslandes. And I guess he finally relented. The only difference with my friend was that he kept eating pies.

Indeed, the Laslandes who joined Sunderland in 2001 for £3.6 (thanks Peter Reid) looked nothing like the Laslandes I'd known from back in France, where he had earned 7 caps for France through creative forward play for both Auxerre and Bordeaux. He was fat, uninterested, slow and already 30, so you knew he wasn't going to get any better. He could have been a Dugarry. He ended up being a Guivarc'h (unsurprisingly in the same list).

After 12 pitiful games and no goals, he was loaned out to Koln and Bastia over the next two years before he finally packed his bags and returned to France where he enjoyed a distinguished end to an otherwise good career. It was just unlucky on Sunderland that his stop there was the only time when he was poor. But he was awful.

Lilian celebrates earning another pay check to pay for his Pukka-Pies addiction. He surely can't be celebrating a goal. He never scored any.

FLORENT LAVILLE

Florent Laville didn't leave a lasting impression at Bolton, and that's a shame. Having spent his entire career at Lyon, amassing 204 Ligue 1 appearances for Les Gones, Florent Laville decided to leave Lyon in 2003 at the age of 30. He settled in at Bolton just fine, jumping straight into the first team and reassuring them with his imposing presence. Sure, he wasn't quick, but his reading of the game was immaculate, and he was good in the air. Unfortunately for Florent, after only a few games during the 2003-2004 season, he suffered a serious injury which ruled him out for over a year and cut short his career. he did try and come back from it and even 'played' for Coventry (6 games) after his release from Bolton but he just wasn't the same player.

Florent Laville wasn't a bad player at all. He was actually a very solid defender who had started brightly. It's just a shame injury ensured he didn't play to his full potential.

A transfer window to forget for Big Sam. In Laville's case, it was due to injury. For the other two, it was due to being crap.

ANTHONY LE TALLEC

Fun fact: Anthony Le Tallec is Florent Sinama-Pongolle's cousin. I know, it's crazy. But it's true.

Other fact: Anthony Le Tallec is crap. Just like his cousin. I know, it's not crazy. But it's true.

Everybody loves the idea of a potential prodigy joining his club. Anthony Le Tallec was meant to be one of those. Partnered with his cousin Sinama-Pongolle at the 2001 U-17 World Cup where he was voted second best player of the tournament, Le Tallec was allowed to stay at Le Havre to develop before joining Liverpool. A cultured 'in the hole' sort of player rather than an out and out striker, Le Tallec finally joined Liverpool in 2003. What happened next was ugly.

17 Premier League games in 5 years is what happened next. Sure he was loaned out a few times to clubs where he rarely set the world alight. But what people clearly understood when watching Le Tallec play for Liverpool was that he simply wasn't good enough at that level, even if given the chance. Combine that with a reported diva attitude at training and an expectation that he shouldn't have to work hard to be in the team and it was a recipe for disaster. And a disaster it was.

Wow.

Where is he now? After suffering relegation with Auxerre last season, he has joined Valenciennes in Ligue 1 where he's suddenly banging in goals. Allow me to doubt his capabilities when his best scoring season has been an 8 goal season for Le Mans in 2009-2010.

An absolute failure at Liverpool. He has made El-Hadji Diouf and Bruno Cheyrou look like outstanding buys. And once again he was second best to his cousin. Which isn't saying much when you consider Sinama-Pongolle also unsurprisingly makes this list.

The highlight of Le Tallec's time at Liverpool on Youtube: what seems to be a pre-season game against Rotherham. That's also when you realise how bad that Liverpool team was: Heskey, Le Tallec, Sinama-Pongolle, Cheyrou, Traoré, Vignal, Diao, Diouf. Wow.


SYLVAIN LEGWINSKI

'Leggy', as he became known, was far from being a poor player. After having been a regular for Monaco and Bordeaux, and played for France U-21, Sylvain joined the Tigana revolution at Fulham. he quickly slotted in, playing the midfield enforcer role with grace and skill. He was much loved by the fans who gave him the nickname 'Monica' for obvious reasons.

After 128 Premier League games for Fulham, he was released by Chris Coleman (him again) in 2006 and promptly joined Ipswich where he stayed for two seasons.

Monica was a bit of a Grimandi figure at Fulham. Sure, he wasn't the greatest, but he was a regular and played with passion for a good footballing team. A faithful servant.

Monica celebrates scoring a rare goal with Djetou and Melville. How did that team stay in the Premier League again?

I'm going to be honest. Reading the list of French players who have played in the Premier League over the years makes me cringe. As the first part of the list showed, for every Cantona there is a Boumsong. It's not very inspiring.

Anyway, here is the follow-up to the list: we're heading into D-F territory. And, somewhere, Desailly and Distin feel aggrieved at the following players harming all their good work.

OUSMANE DABO

'The man who got beaten up by Joey Barton' is how Ousmane Dabo will forever be remembered. And somehow that's sort of appropriate. Dabo actually wasn't such a bad player; he played sparingly for Inter, Parma and Monaco before becoming an undisputed starter at Atalanta and Lazio. He even had 3 caps for France in 2003 so the man can't have been a bad player. Signing him on a free in 2006 when Dabo was still only 29 was therefore a bit of a coup for a struggling Man City. But it's fair to say that Ousmane didn't set the world alight during his time there, even prior to his 'confrontation' with Barton. Injured, out of form, slow, Dabo was quickly becoming surplus to requirements anyway. Still clearly traumatised by the assault he suffered at the hands of that scum, he left to go back to Italy in 2008, quickly becoming an important squad player for the Italian club.

Dabo is an example of a signing which made sense at the time yet didn't bear fruition. Disappointing for all parties involved.

Am I the only one who finds this photo sort of a sign of things to come?

STEPHANE DALMAT

Stéphane Dalmat is another case of what could have been for a talented French player. By the time he turned 22 he had already played for Lens, PSG and Marseille. At PSG he had come under the tutelage of Ali Benarbia, who Man City fans will remember fondly. At 22 he was already a semi-regular at Inter. An all-action midfielder, he was destined to have a great career. And then poor career choices ruined it all.

One of those choices was Tottenham. Still only 24 when he joined on a season-long loan, Stéphane announced himself to the White Hart Lane crowd with a string of beautiful goals and decent performances. And then he disappeared. This would happen regularly throughout his career as his presence at 11 different clubs in a 14-year career testifies. It was a shame really. Dalmat was exciting on the ball and quite versatile, with the ability to play anywhere across midfield. A missed opportunity for both Dalmat and Tottenham, but most importantly for football.

Dalmat vs Traoré, or another example of French mediocrity all round.

JEAN-CLAUDE DARCHEVILLE

One of the earliest memories I have of watching the Premier League live was when my dad took me to see Chelsea-Nottingham Forest during the 1998-1999 season. I remember vividly the sight of a slightly voerweight yet pacy striker named Jean-Claude Darcheville scaring the life out of Frank Leboeuf. Sure he was fat, but he could run. And he could also miss open goals. 16 games and 2 goals for a poor Forest side, the guy clearly wasn't Pierre Van Hooijdonk (remember him?). Jean-Claude clearly didn't set the world alight but, typically, he actually became a decent player in Ligue 1 after that. He even scored the winning goal in the French Cup final for Lorient. This led to one of the best moments ever associated with football. Please watch the video below. Honestly, it's brilliant.



BERNARD DIOMEDE

L'Equipe is the most famous French sports newspaper that exists. It's a reference in France and generations upon generations have enjoyed reading their reports. L'Equipe also has a cruel streak, as evidenced by its continuous backstabbing of Aimé Jacquet prior to the 98 World Cup which ended up hitting L'Equipe hard as the French manager led the national team to glory. Similarly they have been vociferous in their targeting of several French players such as Nasri, Ben Arfa and Menez and so were more than happy when they misbehaved at Euro 2012. L'Equipe has agendas and can be a very cruel player in the press game in France.

They were particularly cruel in 2004. After Zidane's retirement from international football, L'Equipe quickly established that only one of the 1998 World Cup winners hadn't officially retired from international football. So they called up Diomède and embarrassed him. The man had become a laughing-stock and ranks, with Guivarc'h, as one of the shock names when people mention the France 98 winning squad.

Wow. Just wow. Please appreciate Pegguy Arphexad taking centre stage. Beautiful.

But it was typical of Diomède, and his time in England demonstrated why he had become such a joke. After 8 years at Auxerre where he had combined effectively with Steve Marlet and won the title in 1996, Diomède decided to take the plunge by joining Liverpool in 2000 at the age of 26, a perfect time to prove himself at the highest level.

Two games. Two games! That's all we saw of Diomède in the Premier League before he returned to France and distinctly average Ligue 2 sides (Ajaccio, Créteil, Clermont) and retired at the grand age of 32.
Despite his good times at Auxerre he will forever be considered a joke, even in France. So his time in England must rank as one of the most embarrassing tenures for a player of his 'calibre'.

MARTIN DJETOU


Djetou's career is so similar to Christanval's it's not even funny any more. The two actually were team-mates at Monaco and won the Ligue 1 title in 1999. Both were touted as the next Desailly by French fans and actually had a few France caps. Both eventually joined Fulham, albeit at different times. And both were equally unimpressive during their time there. It's not so much that Djetou was a poor player. Nobody quite knew where he played. This positional limbo (are you a centre-back? are you a holding mid?) meant that he excelled at neither. It is testament to his average play for Fulham that the Whites were happy to bring him back for a second season on loan but weren't inclined to actually sign him permanently. And let's just say his time at Bolton (3 games) didn't cast him in the best of lights. A truly forgettable player.

Martin Djetou jumping into Pierre Womé's arms. If ever there was a photo to symbolise the average foreign Premier League player it's that one!

DIDIER DOMI

Didier Domi used to be quite good. I know, what a shocker. Seriously, he really was an up and coming player in the late 90's in France. He had actually managed to burst onto the scene at a still very good PSG and had nailed down the left back position for two full seasons there. It actually came as quite a shock when he left, aged 20, to join Newcastle. Blighted by injuries despite a promising start he left in 2001 to return to PSG. Not such a bad player you might say. His time at Newcastle wasn't actually so poor as he still seemed to hold quite a lot of promise. Unfortunately, and perhaps unfairly, I don't really remember much of his time with the Geordies.

What I do remember however are his awful performances on loan at Leeds during the 2003-2004. Admittedly the team itself was quite poor (hello Salomon Olembe and Roque Junior!) and definitely wasn't the worst of that bunch, but Domi still stunk the place out.

Last we heard of him he had been released by New England Revolution. Sigh.

Domi: a quiet force of nature. And a distinctly average footballer.

JULIEN FAUBERT

Where to start with Julien Faubert? After a decent spell at Bordeaux where he somehow (hello Raymond Domenech) won a cap and even scored on his debut for France, Julien decided to move to the Premier League and West Ham for £6.5m. Originally touted as a right-winger, where he had played for Les Girondins, he moved back into the right-back slot. Needless to say it wasn't a success. Sure Faubert had pace and a decent cross on him, but his defensive aptitudes were horrendous. Especially for a player who cost that much. Of course it doesn't help when you're lining up next to James Tomkins but still!

 And then came the shameful moment of when a desperate Real Madrid took him on loan. it ranks as one of the strangest moments of world football and is rightly emblematic of Faubert's career: we thought he was good but he turned out to be rubbish. He now plies his trade for the mighty club of Elzigspor in Turkey.

 Of course one of his team-mates is Amr Zaki. Typical.

I don't know who's more surprised: Faubert or Alberto 'you dragged me out of my retirement home for Julien  freaking Faubert!' Di Stefano?

FABRICE FERNANDES

Fabrice Fernandes spent time in prison not long ago for fraud. Such a mess when you consider how exciting he was at Southampton under Strachan. For 91 games and 4 seasons at Southampton he was the South Coast club's version of Laurent Robert: a left-winger dedicated to creating opportunities for himself and totally uninterested in even remotely tracking his man. It was pure poetry in motion as the man would continue to try ridiculous flicks, a small minority of them actually coming off. Before moving to Southampton, he had actually set the world alight for Fulham in the old Division 1, partnering Saha, Boa Morte and Sahnoun to glory.

I actually have fond memories of Fernandes and I believe Southampton fans do as well. Not so much a failure as a case of 'what could have been'. He still delighted us though.

Head down looking at the ball: the typical Fernandes selfish stance.

MARC-ANTOINE FORTUNE

I had a mate at school who had just come from France and a town called Brest. He made two outstanding statements in 2004. He told me about two players from the Brest team (at the time in Ligue 2) and told me one would play for France and the other would play for a big club. The first one was Franck Ribéry. The other one was Marc-Antoine Fortuné. With hindsight I don't know whether my mate thought West Brom were a big club (certainly bigger than Brest!) but let's just say that he was 50% right. So what can we say about Fortuné? I'll give you stats: 9 goals in 63 Premier League games for West Brom. You know when sometimes people tell you stats don't show the whole picture? Well, in Marc-Antoine's case, they'd be wrong.

A bull of a player, with good pace and strength, Fortuné really should do better. Except he severely struggles in the 'controlling the ball' part of his game, which is a bit prejudicial for a Premier League striker. A decent squad player but nothing more. And what are people going to say he is Fortuné-te? Too much? I thought so.

Marc-Antoine has just missed his 7th sitter of the game. It finally dawns on him that he's meant to be a professional football player.

I arrived in London in 1997, and boy was it a good time to be French in that city. Granted, I was only 8 at the time, but as an avid football fan I quickly identified to whichever French players were in the developing Premier League. Still in a minority, the 'Bleus' of England nevertheless had incredible quality. Off the top of my head, we're talking about Eric Cantona, Emmanuel Petit and Patrick Vieira. Three pretty good players blazing a trail for many others who followed.

Vieira and Petit: the pioneers.

However, after France won the World Cup 98 and Euro 2000, a deluge of French players began, with many failing to live up to expectations. French was the flavour of the month and clubs even started enticing young French players from the Clairefontaine establishment, buoyed by the success of Anelka at Arsenal. It became a bit much and the long-awaited invasion began, albeit just under 200 years too late (should have happened around 1789!).

Despite the failures of the French national team in recent years (oh how England fans would love to write this. Failure = 6 years removed from a World Cup final!), French players are still proving very popular indeed, as evidenced by Newcastle's love affair with Yohan Cabaye and their failure to land Mathieu Debuchy.

Cabaye: the system still works.

All this led me to thinking of all the French players who have graced the Premier League pitches over the years. And so I give to you this A-Z of French mediocrity. Of course we're not going to browse through all the French players but we'll try and remember the ones who stayed for a few years or were so appalling that we had to mention them. The best ones we'll keep for a future feature.

So let's get started with A to C.

JEREMIE ALIADIERE

Suffering from what should now be known as 'Anelka fever', Wenger decided to gamble again with a young French player. This time it was Jeremie Aliadiere who came highly recommended from the famed Clairefontaine Academy in France. Except this time, it didn't work out. Blighted by injury and incompetence, the young striker joined the ranks of 'the Arsenal stars of the future', aka their Carling Cup team in the mid-00s. And just like Kerrea Gilbert, Nacer Barazite and many others, Aliadiere failed. (Gilbert? At Shamrock Rovers! Barazite? At Monaco!). So, after 29 league games and 1 goal (shame on you Portsmouth) for Arsenal he decided to leave for greener pastures. So Arsène had failed and Aliadière should have become a poster boy for buying young foreign players.
But Middlesbrough had seen something. Led by Gareth 'I'm mentioning Braga even though Man U are playing Cluj' Southgate, the Teesside club splashed £2m on the Arsenal reject. £2m, that's the same amount Villareal spent on Pascal Cygan. In both cases Arsène can't have believed his eyes when he saw the fax/email/tweet with the offer.
What happened next was predictable: 78 games, 11 goals, a move to the wing (also known as 'doing a Heskey', or when you've become too s**t to play down the middle) and the ex-prodigy was released in 2010 at the age of 27.
With hindsight Aliadiere's tale was a sad one. He was out of football for a year after his release, came back by signing with Lorient and basically got injured again. His best contribution to English football? An entry in wikipedia which states that 'before the start of the 2008-2009 season Aliadière switched to wearing the number 10 previously worn by Fabio Rochemback, when his number 11 was given to £3.2m summer signing Marvin Emnes'. Aliadière sandwiched between Rochemback and Emnes, or the epitome of mediocrity. A truly apt mention of his time in the annals of the Premier League.

The man whose Number 10 Aliadière took. Tells us a lot about  Middlesbrough under Southgate.

PEGGUY ARPHEXAD

It's funny but France, despite a good goalkeeping tradition, never really sent goalkeppers to England. I'm guessing the fact that two of them make the list doesn't inspire confidence.
How can I describe Pegguy Arphexad? He was the French, black version of Stuart Taylor. After injuries to Tim Flowers he marshalled the Leicester defence during the 1999-2000 season, earning plaudits for his performances, which led him to being signed to become Liverpool's second-string goalie. In total Arphexad spent 8 years in England and only played about 25 games before returning to France to become....l'OM's second goalie. So thanks Pegguy, for showing us that it's possible to make a decent living with no ambition and relatively little goalkeeping skill.

Arphexad on the bench: an easier photo to find in google images than one of him in action.

The thing to remember about Pegguy? He must have had one hell of an agent.

FABIEN BARTHEZ

Barthez is the biggest failure to make this list when you consider his pedigree. The guy was crazy, but he was also crazy good as France's victorious goalkeeper from World Cup 98 and Euro 2000. One of most vivid memories I have of France 98 was Barthez barging into Ronaldo in the final. Barthez only conceded two goals in the course of France 98 and was instrumental in the 2000 final, saving repeatedly from a strangely inefficient Del Piero. So when he joined Manchester United in 2000, at the age of 29, let's just say that there were high hopes.
Fabien didn't disappoint in his first season, becoming 'Fabulous Fab' and bossing the defence. Sure he lifted his shorts repeatedly in a very bizarre fashion, but he was class and looked a great piece of business. And then it all unravelled suddenly. Forgetting that he wasn't playing for France, Barthez enjoyed giving the ball unexpectedly to Thierry Henry. He also mastered the 'dash off the line before giving the ball back' move. So bad were his performances that he was dropped for Roy Carroll at the end of the 2003 season. Roy freaking Carroll! That's how bad he had become.

Erm. What?

A mixed bag for Barthez. He was either brilliant or awful, more often than not the former. But we will remember him fondly for his craziness and superb bald head. Good times.

DAVID BELLION

Haven't I just written about him? Oh no, that was Jeremie Aliadière, not David Bellion. Different names, same career. Same expectations, same failures. Same price (£2m) and another case of a great manager making a mistake. The same positional re-adjustment ('doing a Heskey') and a return to France. Well that was easy. Actually, the least said about David Bellion the better.

The ball running away from Bellion: a common sight in the Premier League.

OLIVIER BERNARD

Olivier Bernard will forever be linked to Laurent Robert. Both sort of came out of nowhere (although Robert had been playing for PSG), both were left footed and both had a complete disregard to defending. The latter part should have been prejudicial to Bernard as he was a left-back. But Kieron Dyer was a right-back at the time and played for England. And all of them played for Sir Bobby Robson, who liked the art of defending even less than Arsène Wenger. Those were exciting times at Newcastle, and the complicity between Bernard and Robert was key to many important goals, whether scored or leaked. Unfortunately for Olivier, the arrival of Graeme Souness effectively was a death warrant for his career as he struggled to nail down a regular place at any other club (Southampton and Rangers). His return to Newcastle in 2006 was pathetic as he played no game for the club and eventually retired. He will, however, be fondly remembered by the Geordie faithful. A classic example of a foreign nobody eventually becoming a bit of a legend due to low expectations upon his arrival.

                                             You don't see any videos about his defending

JEROME BONNISSEL

Haaaa Jérôme. After the legendary Rufus Brevett, Fulham needed a decent left-back to fill the gap and cover the disasters that were Andy Melville and Alain Goma. Enter Bonnissel. The man had a decent pedigree, having played for Montpellier, Deportivo La Coruna and Bordeaux over the years, each time as an undisputed regular. He was an elegant left-back, bombing forward with aplomb and delivering delightful crosses into the box. Jérôme was often on the fringes of a very good France team, sort of a Lizarazu lite. He didn't disappoint at Fulham, quickly replacing Brevett in fans' minds. And then injuries started to creep in, limiting him to 16 Premier League games in two years between 2003 and 2005. Aged 32, he gracefully left the club and finished his career at Marseille. A likeable and talented player who could have impacted Fulham much more had injuries not played a part.

Bonnissel: can't believe I forgot to mention his surreal hair.

JEAN-ALAIN BOUMSONG

Was there ever a more comical sight in world football than Jean-Alain Boumsong and Titus Bramble 'marshalling' the Newcastle defence? Of course Boum Boum was the better of the two but that's not saying much. After an impressive start to his career at Auxerre where his partnership was Mexes was very dependable, Jean-Alain decided to sample Scottish football before the Prem to get used to the physicality. After six very good months there he joined the Souness revolution at Newcastle. What followed was a disaster of incredible proportions. Constantly out of position, weak in the tackles, Boum Boum was an embarrassment to the art of defending. It's true that he was not helped by Bramble and Bernard who completely disregarded even the idea of defending. but Boum Boum was poor. Surprisingly (or perhaps not) Raymond Domenech kept faith with the embattled defender, which explains why such a mediocre player somehow earned 27 caps, even going to the World Cup 2006 where he (wisely) did not appear in any games.
Another fact just to highlight his inability to be good at anything? His cousin is David N'Gog. Wow. Talk about mediocrity creeping into your personal life.


LAURENT CHARVET

Chelsea under Vialli was a bit of a joke. Sure they produced sublime football at times but they also became the first team to field 11 foreign players in one game. We like to remember the Zolas, Poyets and many others. But people tend to forget the Dalla Bonnas, Jokanovic, Ambrosettis, De Lucases and Bernard Lambourdes which the bald maestro brought with him to the club. Laurent Charvet belongs to that second category. A solid right-back for Cannes in Ligue 1, Laurent tried his luck in the Premier League. And he was a distinctly average and forgettable player. He somehow managed to play 74 Premier League games for Chelsea, Newcastle and Manchester City. Which would be good if it hadn't happened over the course of 5 years. We're talking about 15 games a season. An average squad player who retired at the age of 31. An apt symbol of his undistinguished career.

Charvet celebrating with Dabizas. Goodness me Newcastle really didn't know who to sign in defence.

BRUNO CHEYROU

The new Zidane. That's what Houllier called him. Apart from the premature baldness, Cheyrou had nothing in common with the great man. He didn't play the same position on the pitch, he was left-footed and he obviously had none of the skill that Zizou possessed. Of course not many players did, but Cheyrou was an equal of Salif Diao, not Zinedine. It's fair to say it wasn't a shocker when Bruno failed to perform. He did threaten to break out when he scored a few goals over the Christmas period in 2004, including a well-taken goal against Chelsea. But the lanky midfielder was nowhere good enough and his signing was one of the major reasons why Houllier got the sack. It also didn't help that we had no idea what kind of player he was. Was he a holding mid, a number 10, a Cabaye sort of player? Bruno didn't know and neither did we.
The poster boy for the French midfielder of the mid-00s. And a stain on the family name which continues to haunt his more talented younger brother Benoit. A failure.

Zidane vs Cheyrou, or a maestro facing his successor. Only in Houllier's head that is.

PASCAL CHIMBONDA

The French 2006 World Cup squad combined the beautiful with the ridiculous. Joining Zidane, Thuram, Makelele, Henry and co were players like Givet, Silvestre, Boumsong, Dhorasoo and...Pascal Chimbonda. Actually, at the time it wasn't THAT shocking. Pascal had just had a brilliant season for Wigan and was even named in the PFA Team of the Year for the 2005-2006 season. And then it all went Pete Tong. Despite signing a new four-year contract six months earlier, Chimbonda handed in a transfer request on the last day of the season. And his career took a distinct turn for the worse. Over the next few years he plied his trade for Tottenham, Sunderland, Blackburn and QPR. not such bad clubs, except he was poor for all of them. He ended up finishing up at the shambles of a club that is Doncaster Rovers alongside such luminaries as Habib Beye and Mamadou Bagayoko. With hindsight, a shocking player.

Chimbonda at Doncaster. Of course he ended up with El-Hadji Diouf. And £5 if you can name me the other players in the picture.

PHILIPPE CHRISTANVAL

There was a time where Philippe Christanval was meant to be Desailly's successor for France. I kid you not. He had broken through at Monaco, winning the title in 1999/2000. He was a strong, fast, ball-playing centre-back who liked a good tussle. In French fans' minds it was normal that a club such as Barcelona enquired about him and eventually signed him. And that's when, at 24, his career basically ended. Hampered by injuries he failed to recapture the form which had made him a hit. Released by Barcelona and Marseille he found a place at Chris Coleman's Fulham where, despite his manager having played at centre-back, defensive aptitudes were not taken into account when signing defenders. Playing a total of 36 Premier League games in 3 years, Philippe was finally released and promptly retired at the age of 30. A complete failure.

Christanval: a career which failed to live up to its potential. A forgettable signing for Fulham.

GERALD CID

Here's a bit of culture for you: 'Le Cid' is a tragicomedy by the famed 17th century author Pierre Corneille. It's a classic of French literature and is learned every year by pupils in schools. It really is that famous, trust me. And it's the perfect metaphor for Gerald's time at Bolton. His time truly combined the tragic with the comic, with performances reaching such a low that he was dubbed 'the hapless Gerald Cid' by the local press.
What is more baffling is why Big Sam took a chance on him in the first place. Cid was known as a poor defender and had never been a regular at Bordeaux, even going on loan to a rubbish Istres side. After 7 incredibly poor appearances in the Premier League he was released. He then retired from football after 3 years at Nice, at the age of 27. Thanks for that Gerald. Football is a better place without players like you.

Le Cid: you laugh, you cry. Exactly what Bolton fans did during Gerald's time at their club.

PASCAL CYGAN

One of my best mates is a tall bloke. His legs are very long and, even though he's a good player, I jokingly call him 'The Albatross' whenever we play. If he's an albatross, Pascal Cygan was a freaking heron. He was also quite a poor defender. Signed on a free from Lille at the age of 28 after good performances in Ligue 1 and the Champions' League for Lille, Pascal took a bit of time to acclimatise and only played 63 Premier League games in 4 seasons. however, I feel that his reputation has been a bit tarnished. After all, he was a member of the Invincibles so he can't have been THAT bad. He played his role well and was actually a semi-important part of Arsenal's success. A serviceable albeit average player.

Cygan defending 101: take opposition player's head off. Check.