Wally with a Brolly

OK this is going to be one feature I'm definitely going to finish, and not only because I'm French. Let's be honest, the previous lists were obscene in the average nature of all the footballers listed. One thing I've been trying to explain every time is that pedigree, although it should be a safety net, doesn't always ensure that you've made a great signing. This list is a perfect example of that: out of 14 players, 2 of them won the World Cup in 1998 and 6 others played for France, with none of them being a one-cap wonder (a special mention to David Nugent. You will always be in our hearts). And that's pretty scary.

GAEL GIVET

Remember the 2003-2004 Champions' League, how crazy it was? That was when we discovered Mourinho, Nuno Valente and others. Porto won the damn thing, Monaco went all the way to final whilst winning some epic games along the way. I mean, Dado Prso scored 4 goals in an 8-3 win over Deportivo La Coruna! Dado freaking Prso!That was absolutely crazy. Even Edgaras Jankauskas had some fun scoring for Porto. Football had lost all its senses. And it was fun.

Prso: only a mention in this article. Not French yet average. But I couldn't pass a chance to put on a photo of a man with such a superb choice of hair. Gorgeous.

With hindsight, what seems even crazier wasn't the fact Monaco got to the final; it's that they got to the final with a defence which contained Gaël Givet and Sebastien Squillaci (more on him later. You knew he'd be in the list)!

It all seems a joke now, but Givet was actually a very strong performer in that team. Starting every game, he proved he could play anywhere across the back four, even in defence. He was a soldier, a real defender. He loved the physical aspect of the game and, even though he lacked pace, he never gave up. He quickly became a fans' favourite and earned a move to Marseille where, like so many before him, his career floundered. After a distinctly average season he moved on to Blackburn in 2009.

Did anything change? Not really. Gaël was still a fighter, still a fans' favourite, still lacked pace and still played everwhere across the back four. Only one thing changed: he didn't get any better. He really didn't get any better. In fact he got worse. Oh we're not talking Squillaci-bad but Gaël became progressively worse. Altercations with Steve Kean (joke of a manager) were overshadowed by an incident where Givet suffered from heart palpitations. He is still playing now. But he's still distinctly average. He's still better than Grant Hanley though.

There's something odd about this photo but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

A poster boy for this feature.

ALAIN GOMA

Alain Goma was the French Andy Melville. It's a good thing they played together then.

Alain actually came to the Uk with a decent pedigree (that word again). After being an integral aprt of Auxerre's title-winning team in 1996 and playing for PSG, Goma had experienced Champions' League football and the honour of two French caps. All that by the time he turned 27. Not bad.

And 'not bad' would be the assessment of his time in the UK. He was as solid albeit unspectacular player for Newcastle, then became a rock for the 'defence' which Jean Tigana built at Fulham.

By the time his tenure at Fulham ended though, he ad become a bit of a joke. Slow, cumbersome, not great on the ball, he actually lost his place to Zat Knight. Sure, that was down to Chris Coleman being a fool, but Goma was getting old and bad.

All in all, a decent servant, even though Fulham never really had a solid defence with Goma in the side.

Goma outpaced by Brian Deane. Not a good sign. Unfortunately for the 'good guy' Goma, that's the last memory I have of him. Harsh and unfair for a good servant.

XAVIER GRAVELAINE

Xavier Gravelaine was THE example of a football mercenary. Despite being blessed with talent and a gorgeous left foot, Xavier never settled at any club. Actually that's an understatement. The man moved clubs an incredible 20 times in an 18-year career. Honestly, I'm not making that up. It must be some kind of record. But there was talent: he played for PSG and Marseille in the 90's and even eraned 4 caps for France. He somehow ended up at Watford during the 1999-2000 season where he managed to do his best Houdini impression, playing 7 games and scoring 2 goals. Was he good? Was he bad? I don't know, no one remembers him being on these shores. I'm not even sure he remembers his time at Watford either. I think the man invented the word 'mercurial'. A mystery, and not just for his time at Watford.

A collector's item: Gravelaine in action for Watford. If you ask him, he'll understand it as a question: "What-ford?". That's because he doesn't remember his time there. And neither do we.

LEANDRE GRIFFIT

Leandre Griffit is another example of a French youngster who left France too soon. After only a handful of games for Ligue 2 side Amiens, Leandre joined Southampton in 2003 and promptly scored 2 goals in his first 5 games. People at Southampton were raving about his technical ability and a potential for a superbly technical and enthusiastic wing partnership with Fabrice Fernandes. Alas, it wasn't to be. Leandre only played 2 more games for Southampton before leaving. He was last seen gracing pitches in 2010, still only aged 26, and playing in the MLS after turns in Sweden and Belgium. A mystery.

Leandre Griffit: not really a sporting hero.

GILLES GRIMANDI

Some players managed to do a lot with very little ability. Step in Gilles Grimandi. A distinctly average player for Monaco, Gilles joined Arsenal in 1997, still only 27, and coined the term 'versatile'. Playing at centre-back, right-back or in central midfield, he was always available when players were out, and would step in and do his job properly. The archetypal 6 or 7/10 player for Arsène Wenger, he was instantly liked for his unassuming personality and the fact he was content with his role at the club. This was even more evident by the fact that he retired after being released by Arsenal in 2002, still only aged 32. A faithful servant to the club, he has since been quite successful in scouting young French players for Arsenal.

Every manager needs a few Gilles Grimandi's in their squad. And no, that's not meant as a joke.


If ever there was evidence of how much of a nice and dedicated guy Grimandi was, it was in this testimonial game for Bergkamp. Look how he tackles Edgar Davids and then cracks up.

Gilles Grimandi, we salute you.

STEPHANE GUIVARC'H

There was a time when Stéphane Guivarc'h was feared on football pitches. No joke. The gy was a goalscoring machine for clubs in Ligue 1 in the mid-90s, winning the Golden Boot two seasons running between 1996-1998. So, when he was chosen as France's spearhead for their World Cup 98 team not many were complaining in France. Unfortunately for Stéphane, he got himself injured in the first game against South Africa. It's fair to say his career went downhill after that, and his time at Newcastle sure didn't help his reputation.

It was both strange and unsurprising at the same time that Newcastle bought Guivarc'h after the World Cup 98. Unsurprising in the sense that he was a recognised goalscorer in France, as we've previously mentioned. But strange because, if anyone has ever watched the France 98 World Cup final, you'd know Guivarc'h just wasn't good enough at an elite level.

Sure France won 3-0 and celebrated winning the World Cup for years after that. But Guivarc'h in that game missed about 8 sitters, including 2 or  one-on-ones with Taffarel. It was an incredible show of striker incompetence.

His time at Newcastle? 4 games and a goal. And then he was gone. I honestly don't have any memory of him playing in the Premier League. He was even selected by the Daily Mail as 'the worst striker to play in the Premier League' in 2009. His response? Calling the Daily Mail 'crap' and saying England hadn't contributed anything to football since 1966.

Stéphane Guivarc'h, we salute you. But not for the same reasons as Gilles Grimandi.

Guivarc'h: he went for Bergkamp's look but didn't go for his footballing style. A failure.

GAEL KAKUTA

Gaël Kakuta is to Chelsea what Jérémie Aliadière was to Arsenal. Should I even add anything at this point?

Kakuta joined Chelsea in 2007 from the famed RC Lens academy. Still only 16, he came with a big reputation, with RC Lens clearly unhappy about the player leaving them so early on and for nothing in return. They eventually got something back in 2009 when Chelsea were fined and Kakuta suspended for 4 months. it was a big statement that Chelsea were more than happy to pay the fine due to their belief that Kakuta was going to become world-class in a few years and would justify that investment.

And so, when Gaêl finally started playing for Chelsea with a few cameos, people were intrigued. Was the boy that good? After all, he had won the U-19 Euros with France in 2010. He certainly seemed to look the part, playing with invention and tempo in his 6 first-team appearances between 2009 and 2011. After all, the boy was still only 20 and he was faced with immense competition. So was the argument.

Kakuta: still young but a failure so far.

Gaël wanted playing time and joined Fulham on loan in 2010. Once again, he was restricted to substitute appearances, playing only 7 games between January and June 2011. But again, he showed glimpses.

Coming back to Chelsea in the summer of 2011, Kakuta wanted to finally become a regular...somewhere. So he joined Bolton on loan, encouraged by Daniel Sturridge's development the year before and Owen Coyle's faith in youngsters.. It made sense. But Kakuta disappeared.

Now he's on loan again, but at Vitesse Arnhem in the Netherlands. Sigh. Need I say more?

OLIVIER KAPO

Kapo was one half of a superb double act at Auxerre in the early 00's. Whilst Djibril Cissé grabbed all the attention for his flamboyant style and goalscoring exploits, Kapo was the main provider of assists and scored beautiful goals from the left-wing position. Having won 9 caps and scored 3 caps for France by 2004, Olivier decided to test himself abroad./And it was a failure. Unable to make the cut at Juve, then loaned out at Monaco and Levante, Kapo finally joined Birmingham in 2007.

He scored on his debut and was again a creative force. Unfortunately for him, something bad happened to him. Alex McLeish happened. And, let's be honest, Kapo was too creative for Big 'Al. For McLeish, a creative player is Craig Gardner or Barry Ferguson. He didn't know what he had in Kapo.

The mugshot of the man who didn't know what to do with Kapo: McLeish and his fear of creative players.

So, after the inevitable relegation, Kapo left Birmingham to rejoin Steve Bruce at Wigan. But it was an unhappy second spell with Brucey. Hampered by injuries and a lack of rhythm, Kapo only played 20 Premier League games over the next two seasons before being loaned out and released.

All in all, it was a shame it didn't work out for Kapo. He was a very sound technical player who would have been ideally suited for team fighting relegation and in need of a creative playmaker capable of scoring goals. Unfortunately for Olivier, his managers didn't see that in him. A case of 'what could have been'.

Kapo during happier times at Birmingham

CHRISTIAN KAREMBEU

Haaaa Karembeu. the man won the World Cup but he was more famous for his wife. Honestly, she was absolutely gorgeous. All that is a bit harsh considering Christian did have a distinguished career in the game. After all, he did win 53 caps for France, played extensively during World Cup 98 and was part of the squad which won Euro 2000 (he only played one game). He'd also played for an all-conquering Nantes side in the 90s as well as for Sampdoria and Real Madrid.

I have good memories of Christian. Whilst he wasn't necessarily the most talented, he was always a committed player who gave everything to his teams, especially to France. His dreadlocks were funky, he had a gorgeous wife and he seemed to be a likeable guy.

Karembeu: he was a lucky man, and not just because he won the World Cup and the Euros.

His time at Middlesbrough was exactly that. Karembeu acquitted himself well on the pitch, even though he clearly wasn't a world-class player and there were doubts as to whether he ever had been. He also complimented Middlesbrough and was well-liked despite his wife's desire to be on the first plane out of Teesside.

All in all he was exactly what you'd hope for from a player who came to you on loan. He was committed and professional. But he didn't set the world alight and left after 33 games and 4 goals for the sunnier climes that is Greece.

Karembeu: the fear in his eyes is because he's been given a tour of Middlesbrough.

MARC KELLER

Did you know that Marc Keller won 6 caps for France between 1995 and 1998, and was tipped at one point to be included in the eventual World Cup winning squad? I guess that doesn't answer your original question of "Marc Keller?", but it shows he was a decent players, even though the France team in the mid-90s did welcome a lot of donkeys, many of whom have made these lists.

Keller joined West Ham in 1998 at the ripe age of 30. A cultured midfielder who had had successful spells for Strasbourg and Kalsruher. What ensued was a 2 year stay where he managed to play 44 games and score 5 goals. Again, at 22 games a season, that pretty much ensures you were a squad player.

Apparently he also joined Portsmouth on loan (3 games) then Blackburn (2 games) before retiring in 2002. A classic example of an unheralded player who came and did his job, he was neither horrendous nor incredible. he was average. And so he belongs to this list.

Marc Keller: the epitome of the average French player in the Prem.

BERNARD LAMBOURDE

Chelsea have usually struck gold with their French centre-backs. Honestly, Desailly, Leboeuf and Gallas (before his douche-ish phase) makes for good reading. And then there's Bernard Lambourde. And he's obviously not part of that list. He's on a list all by himself.

Bernard had apparently played a full season for Bordeaux before joining Chelsea in 1997. Really? I have no memories of that guy playing in France. OK I was 7 at the time, but I'm pretty sure no one else knew him. He was part of the 'Revolution' at Chelsea, where they literally didn't care about passports or talent in their aim to field an all foreign XI. I mean, sure they had Poyet, Zola, Flo, Leboeuf and others. They also had Emerson Thome, Ambrosetti and Lambourde.

So how good was Lambourde? Well, he played 40 Premier League games in 4 seasons at the club. If that doesn't scream 'squad player', I don't know what will. You're telling me they couldn't have found a young English centre-back at the time to fill in the gaps? Hell, I'd even have taken Celestine Babayaro at centre-back rather than Bernard.

In 2001 Lambourde left for Portsmouth where he played a grand total of 6 games before returning to France and playing for Bastia.

You know how you can tell a player's contribution to football was insignificant? It's when he has question marks next to his clubs on his Wikipedia page. And Bernard, after leaving Bastia in 2003, only has question marks next to his spells at Nancy and Al Wahda. Sad, but an apt display of how anonymous and useless he was during his time playing football.

Lambourde: Wikipedia says: ?

LILIAN LASLANDES

I once played a prank on one of my good mates at university. Knowing he hailed from Canada, I convinced him, despite having never eaten one myself, that Pukka-Pies were a reference in the British pie world. I seriously lobbied for him to try one on several occasions but he always relented. And then, one day, out of the blue, he told me he'd bought one and had eaten it at home. Let's just say he wasn't too happy when I laughed and told him the truth.

I honestly believed that the Sunderland players played the same prank on Lilian Laslandes. And I guess he finally relented. The only difference with my friend was that he kept eating pies.

Indeed, the Laslandes who joined Sunderland in 2001 for £3.6 (thanks Peter Reid) looked nothing like the Laslandes I'd known from back in France, where he had earned 7 caps for France through creative forward play for both Auxerre and Bordeaux. He was fat, uninterested, slow and already 30, so you knew he wasn't going to get any better. He could have been a Dugarry. He ended up being a Guivarc'h (unsurprisingly in the same list).

After 12 pitiful games and no goals, he was loaned out to Koln and Bastia over the next two years before he finally packed his bags and returned to France where he enjoyed a distinguished end to an otherwise good career. It was just unlucky on Sunderland that his stop there was the only time when he was poor. But he was awful.

Lilian celebrates earning another pay check to pay for his Pukka-Pies addiction. He surely can't be celebrating a goal. He never scored any.

FLORENT LAVILLE

Florent Laville didn't leave a lasting impression at Bolton, and that's a shame. Having spent his entire career at Lyon, amassing 204 Ligue 1 appearances for Les Gones, Florent Laville decided to leave Lyon in 2003 at the age of 30. He settled in at Bolton just fine, jumping straight into the first team and reassuring them with his imposing presence. Sure, he wasn't quick, but his reading of the game was immaculate, and he was good in the air. Unfortunately for Florent, after only a few games during the 2003-2004 season, he suffered a serious injury which ruled him out for over a year and cut short his career. he did try and come back from it and even 'played' for Coventry (6 games) after his release from Bolton but he just wasn't the same player.

Florent Laville wasn't a bad player at all. He was actually a very solid defender who had started brightly. It's just a shame injury ensured he didn't play to his full potential.

A transfer window to forget for Big Sam. In Laville's case, it was due to injury. For the other two, it was due to being crap.

ANTHONY LE TALLEC

Fun fact: Anthony Le Tallec is Florent Sinama-Pongolle's cousin. I know, it's crazy. But it's true.

Other fact: Anthony Le Tallec is crap. Just like his cousin. I know, it's not crazy. But it's true.

Everybody loves the idea of a potential prodigy joining his club. Anthony Le Tallec was meant to be one of those. Partnered with his cousin Sinama-Pongolle at the 2001 U-17 World Cup where he was voted second best player of the tournament, Le Tallec was allowed to stay at Le Havre to develop before joining Liverpool. A cultured 'in the hole' sort of player rather than an out and out striker, Le Tallec finally joined Liverpool in 2003. What happened next was ugly.

17 Premier League games in 5 years is what happened next. Sure he was loaned out a few times to clubs where he rarely set the world alight. But what people clearly understood when watching Le Tallec play for Liverpool was that he simply wasn't good enough at that level, even if given the chance. Combine that with a reported diva attitude at training and an expectation that he shouldn't have to work hard to be in the team and it was a recipe for disaster. And a disaster it was.

Wow.

Where is he now? After suffering relegation with Auxerre last season, he has joined Valenciennes in Ligue 1 where he's suddenly banging in goals. Allow me to doubt his capabilities when his best scoring season has been an 8 goal season for Le Mans in 2009-2010.

An absolute failure at Liverpool. He has made El-Hadji Diouf and Bruno Cheyrou look like outstanding buys. And once again he was second best to his cousin. Which isn't saying much when you consider Sinama-Pongolle also unsurprisingly makes this list.

The highlight of Le Tallec's time at Liverpool on Youtube: what seems to be a pre-season game against Rotherham. That's also when you realise how bad that Liverpool team was: Heskey, Le Tallec, Sinama-Pongolle, Cheyrou, Traoré, Vignal, Diao, Diouf. Wow.


SYLVAIN LEGWINSKI

'Leggy', as he became known, was far from being a poor player. After having been a regular for Monaco and Bordeaux, and played for France U-21, Sylvain joined the Tigana revolution at Fulham. he quickly slotted in, playing the midfield enforcer role with grace and skill. He was much loved by the fans who gave him the nickname 'Monica' for obvious reasons.

After 128 Premier League games for Fulham, he was released by Chris Coleman (him again) in 2006 and promptly joined Ipswich where he stayed for two seasons.

Monica was a bit of a Grimandi figure at Fulham. Sure, he wasn't the greatest, but he was a regular and played with passion for a good footballing team. A faithful servant.

Monica celebrates scoring a rare goal with Djetou and Melville. How did that team stay in the Premier League again?