Wally with a Brolly

I arrived in London in 1997, and boy was it a good time to be French in that city. Granted, I was only 8 at the time, but as an avid football fan I quickly identified to whichever French players were in the developing Premier League. Still in a minority, the 'Bleus' of England nevertheless had incredible quality. Off the top of my head, we're talking about Eric Cantona, Emmanuel Petit and Patrick Vieira. Three pretty good players blazing a trail for many others who followed.

Vieira and Petit: the pioneers.

However, after France won the World Cup 98 and Euro 2000, a deluge of French players began, with many failing to live up to expectations. French was the flavour of the month and clubs even started enticing young French players from the Clairefontaine establishment, buoyed by the success of Anelka at Arsenal. It became a bit much and the long-awaited invasion began, albeit just under 200 years too late (should have happened around 1789!).

Despite the failures of the French national team in recent years (oh how England fans would love to write this. Failure = 6 years removed from a World Cup final!), French players are still proving very popular indeed, as evidenced by Newcastle's love affair with Yohan Cabaye and their failure to land Mathieu Debuchy.

Cabaye: the system still works.

All this led me to thinking of all the French players who have graced the Premier League pitches over the years. And so I give to you this A-Z of French mediocrity. Of course we're not going to browse through all the French players but we'll try and remember the ones who stayed for a few years or were so appalling that we had to mention them. The best ones we'll keep for a future feature.

So let's get started with A to C.

JEREMIE ALIADIERE

Suffering from what should now be known as 'Anelka fever', Wenger decided to gamble again with a young French player. This time it was Jeremie Aliadiere who came highly recommended from the famed Clairefontaine Academy in France. Except this time, it didn't work out. Blighted by injury and incompetence, the young striker joined the ranks of 'the Arsenal stars of the future', aka their Carling Cup team in the mid-00s. And just like Kerrea Gilbert, Nacer Barazite and many others, Aliadiere failed. (Gilbert? At Shamrock Rovers! Barazite? At Monaco!). So, after 29 league games and 1 goal (shame on you Portsmouth) for Arsenal he decided to leave for greener pastures. So Arsène had failed and Aliadière should have become a poster boy for buying young foreign players.
But Middlesbrough had seen something. Led by Gareth 'I'm mentioning Braga even though Man U are playing Cluj' Southgate, the Teesside club splashed £2m on the Arsenal reject. £2m, that's the same amount Villareal spent on Pascal Cygan. In both cases Arsène can't have believed his eyes when he saw the fax/email/tweet with the offer.
What happened next was predictable: 78 games, 11 goals, a move to the wing (also known as 'doing a Heskey', or when you've become too s**t to play down the middle) and the ex-prodigy was released in 2010 at the age of 27.
With hindsight Aliadiere's tale was a sad one. He was out of football for a year after his release, came back by signing with Lorient and basically got injured again. His best contribution to English football? An entry in wikipedia which states that 'before the start of the 2008-2009 season Aliadière switched to wearing the number 10 previously worn by Fabio Rochemback, when his number 11 was given to £3.2m summer signing Marvin Emnes'. Aliadière sandwiched between Rochemback and Emnes, or the epitome of mediocrity. A truly apt mention of his time in the annals of the Premier League.

The man whose Number 10 Aliadière took. Tells us a lot about  Middlesbrough under Southgate.

PEGGUY ARPHEXAD

It's funny but France, despite a good goalkeeping tradition, never really sent goalkeppers to England. I'm guessing the fact that two of them make the list doesn't inspire confidence.
How can I describe Pegguy Arphexad? He was the French, black version of Stuart Taylor. After injuries to Tim Flowers he marshalled the Leicester defence during the 1999-2000 season, earning plaudits for his performances, which led him to being signed to become Liverpool's second-string goalie. In total Arphexad spent 8 years in England and only played about 25 games before returning to France to become....l'OM's second goalie. So thanks Pegguy, for showing us that it's possible to make a decent living with no ambition and relatively little goalkeeping skill.

Arphexad on the bench: an easier photo to find in google images than one of him in action.

The thing to remember about Pegguy? He must have had one hell of an agent.

FABIEN BARTHEZ

Barthez is the biggest failure to make this list when you consider his pedigree. The guy was crazy, but he was also crazy good as France's victorious goalkeeper from World Cup 98 and Euro 2000. One of most vivid memories I have of France 98 was Barthez barging into Ronaldo in the final. Barthez only conceded two goals in the course of France 98 and was instrumental in the 2000 final, saving repeatedly from a strangely inefficient Del Piero. So when he joined Manchester United in 2000, at the age of 29, let's just say that there were high hopes.
Fabien didn't disappoint in his first season, becoming 'Fabulous Fab' and bossing the defence. Sure he lifted his shorts repeatedly in a very bizarre fashion, but he was class and looked a great piece of business. And then it all unravelled suddenly. Forgetting that he wasn't playing for France, Barthez enjoyed giving the ball unexpectedly to Thierry Henry. He also mastered the 'dash off the line before giving the ball back' move. So bad were his performances that he was dropped for Roy Carroll at the end of the 2003 season. Roy freaking Carroll! That's how bad he had become.

Erm. What?

A mixed bag for Barthez. He was either brilliant or awful, more often than not the former. But we will remember him fondly for his craziness and superb bald head. Good times.

DAVID BELLION

Haven't I just written about him? Oh no, that was Jeremie Aliadière, not David Bellion. Different names, same career. Same expectations, same failures. Same price (£2m) and another case of a great manager making a mistake. The same positional re-adjustment ('doing a Heskey') and a return to France. Well that was easy. Actually, the least said about David Bellion the better.

The ball running away from Bellion: a common sight in the Premier League.

OLIVIER BERNARD

Olivier Bernard will forever be linked to Laurent Robert. Both sort of came out of nowhere (although Robert had been playing for PSG), both were left footed and both had a complete disregard to defending. The latter part should have been prejudicial to Bernard as he was a left-back. But Kieron Dyer was a right-back at the time and played for England. And all of them played for Sir Bobby Robson, who liked the art of defending even less than Arsène Wenger. Those were exciting times at Newcastle, and the complicity between Bernard and Robert was key to many important goals, whether scored or leaked. Unfortunately for Olivier, the arrival of Graeme Souness effectively was a death warrant for his career as he struggled to nail down a regular place at any other club (Southampton and Rangers). His return to Newcastle in 2006 was pathetic as he played no game for the club and eventually retired. He will, however, be fondly remembered by the Geordie faithful. A classic example of a foreign nobody eventually becoming a bit of a legend due to low expectations upon his arrival.

                                             You don't see any videos about his defending

JEROME BONNISSEL

Haaaa Jérôme. After the legendary Rufus Brevett, Fulham needed a decent left-back to fill the gap and cover the disasters that were Andy Melville and Alain Goma. Enter Bonnissel. The man had a decent pedigree, having played for Montpellier, Deportivo La Coruna and Bordeaux over the years, each time as an undisputed regular. He was an elegant left-back, bombing forward with aplomb and delivering delightful crosses into the box. Jérôme was often on the fringes of a very good France team, sort of a Lizarazu lite. He didn't disappoint at Fulham, quickly replacing Brevett in fans' minds. And then injuries started to creep in, limiting him to 16 Premier League games in two years between 2003 and 2005. Aged 32, he gracefully left the club and finished his career at Marseille. A likeable and talented player who could have impacted Fulham much more had injuries not played a part.

Bonnissel: can't believe I forgot to mention his surreal hair.

JEAN-ALAIN BOUMSONG

Was there ever a more comical sight in world football than Jean-Alain Boumsong and Titus Bramble 'marshalling' the Newcastle defence? Of course Boum Boum was the better of the two but that's not saying much. After an impressive start to his career at Auxerre where his partnership was Mexes was very dependable, Jean-Alain decided to sample Scottish football before the Prem to get used to the physicality. After six very good months there he joined the Souness revolution at Newcastle. What followed was a disaster of incredible proportions. Constantly out of position, weak in the tackles, Boum Boum was an embarrassment to the art of defending. It's true that he was not helped by Bramble and Bernard who completely disregarded even the idea of defending. but Boum Boum was poor. Surprisingly (or perhaps not) Raymond Domenech kept faith with the embattled defender, which explains why such a mediocre player somehow earned 27 caps, even going to the World Cup 2006 where he (wisely) did not appear in any games.
Another fact just to highlight his inability to be good at anything? His cousin is David N'Gog. Wow. Talk about mediocrity creeping into your personal life.


LAURENT CHARVET

Chelsea under Vialli was a bit of a joke. Sure they produced sublime football at times but they also became the first team to field 11 foreign players in one game. We like to remember the Zolas, Poyets and many others. But people tend to forget the Dalla Bonnas, Jokanovic, Ambrosettis, De Lucases and Bernard Lambourdes which the bald maestro brought with him to the club. Laurent Charvet belongs to that second category. A solid right-back for Cannes in Ligue 1, Laurent tried his luck in the Premier League. And he was a distinctly average and forgettable player. He somehow managed to play 74 Premier League games for Chelsea, Newcastle and Manchester City. Which would be good if it hadn't happened over the course of 5 years. We're talking about 15 games a season. An average squad player who retired at the age of 31. An apt symbol of his undistinguished career.

Charvet celebrating with Dabizas. Goodness me Newcastle really didn't know who to sign in defence.

BRUNO CHEYROU

The new Zidane. That's what Houllier called him. Apart from the premature baldness, Cheyrou had nothing in common with the great man. He didn't play the same position on the pitch, he was left-footed and he obviously had none of the skill that Zizou possessed. Of course not many players did, but Cheyrou was an equal of Salif Diao, not Zinedine. It's fair to say it wasn't a shocker when Bruno failed to perform. He did threaten to break out when he scored a few goals over the Christmas period in 2004, including a well-taken goal against Chelsea. But the lanky midfielder was nowhere good enough and his signing was one of the major reasons why Houllier got the sack. It also didn't help that we had no idea what kind of player he was. Was he a holding mid, a number 10, a Cabaye sort of player? Bruno didn't know and neither did we.
The poster boy for the French midfielder of the mid-00s. And a stain on the family name which continues to haunt his more talented younger brother Benoit. A failure.

Zidane vs Cheyrou, or a maestro facing his successor. Only in Houllier's head that is.

PASCAL CHIMBONDA

The French 2006 World Cup squad combined the beautiful with the ridiculous. Joining Zidane, Thuram, Makelele, Henry and co were players like Givet, Silvestre, Boumsong, Dhorasoo and...Pascal Chimbonda. Actually, at the time it wasn't THAT shocking. Pascal had just had a brilliant season for Wigan and was even named in the PFA Team of the Year for the 2005-2006 season. And then it all went Pete Tong. Despite signing a new four-year contract six months earlier, Chimbonda handed in a transfer request on the last day of the season. And his career took a distinct turn for the worse. Over the next few years he plied his trade for Tottenham, Sunderland, Blackburn and QPR. not such bad clubs, except he was poor for all of them. He ended up finishing up at the shambles of a club that is Doncaster Rovers alongside such luminaries as Habib Beye and Mamadou Bagayoko. With hindsight, a shocking player.

Chimbonda at Doncaster. Of course he ended up with El-Hadji Diouf. And £5 if you can name me the other players in the picture.

PHILIPPE CHRISTANVAL

There was a time where Philippe Christanval was meant to be Desailly's successor for France. I kid you not. He had broken through at Monaco, winning the title in 1999/2000. He was a strong, fast, ball-playing centre-back who liked a good tussle. In French fans' minds it was normal that a club such as Barcelona enquired about him and eventually signed him. And that's when, at 24, his career basically ended. Hampered by injuries he failed to recapture the form which had made him a hit. Released by Barcelona and Marseille he found a place at Chris Coleman's Fulham where, despite his manager having played at centre-back, defensive aptitudes were not taken into account when signing defenders. Playing a total of 36 Premier League games in 3 years, Philippe was finally released and promptly retired at the age of 30. A complete failure.

Christanval: a career which failed to live up to its potential. A forgettable signing for Fulham.

GERALD CID

Here's a bit of culture for you: 'Le Cid' is a tragicomedy by the famed 17th century author Pierre Corneille. It's a classic of French literature and is learned every year by pupils in schools. It really is that famous, trust me. And it's the perfect metaphor for Gerald's time at Bolton. His time truly combined the tragic with the comic, with performances reaching such a low that he was dubbed 'the hapless Gerald Cid' by the local press.
What is more baffling is why Big Sam took a chance on him in the first place. Cid was known as a poor defender and had never been a regular at Bordeaux, even going on loan to a rubbish Istres side. After 7 incredibly poor appearances in the Premier League he was released. He then retired from football after 3 years at Nice, at the age of 27. Thanks for that Gerald. Football is a better place without players like you.

Le Cid: you laugh, you cry. Exactly what Bolton fans did during Gerald's time at their club.

PASCAL CYGAN

One of my best mates is a tall bloke. His legs are very long and, even though he's a good player, I jokingly call him 'The Albatross' whenever we play. If he's an albatross, Pascal Cygan was a freaking heron. He was also quite a poor defender. Signed on a free from Lille at the age of 28 after good performances in Ligue 1 and the Champions' League for Lille, Pascal took a bit of time to acclimatise and only played 63 Premier League games in 4 seasons. however, I feel that his reputation has been a bit tarnished. After all, he was a member of the Invincibles so he can't have been THAT bad. He played his role well and was actually a semi-important part of Arsenal's success. A serviceable albeit average player.

Cygan defending 101: take opposition player's head off. Check.