Wally with a Brolly

The hardest thing for a modern football player is accepting that his skills aren't really up to scratch anymore. Some players accept lesser roles in the hope that it will prolong their career (see Giggs, Ryan). Others simply don't want to understand their fate and cling on to dear life when they should just leave quietly. Of course there are always managers ready to put some money on the table based on past reputation.

So we've assembled a beautiful team for you: the first ever Wally Fall from Grace XI. In it you will find players who are no longer relevant after questionable decisions/performances/attitude, even though they are still clinging on. Maybe we hyped them up too much for what they really were. Maybe they used to be really good and are now awful. Whichever way it is, they've made the team.

The team's badge: it possesses an appropriate drawing of a lame duck.

We're also proud to say that 9 of the 11 players were internationals. Notice the past tense. It's not gonna happen again. So here we go. Enjoy.

GOALKEEPER

Is it really a surprise that Robert Green makes the list? We all remember his howler at the World Cup. That was only two years ago. Two years ago he was the nation's best goalkeeper according to an overpaid Italian. How times have changed.

It was a sign of things to come that no-one wanted to sign him after West Ham's relegation. And another sign that West Ham weren't unhappy with him leaving.

He was back in the Premier League in time for the new season, looking forward to helping QPR consolidate their place in the league. Except that didn't really happen. The usual mistake crept up and led to a beautiful 5-0 hammering by Swansea. Next thing Rob knew, QPR were looking for another keeper and found Julio Cesar.

Of course Rob's not going to play again. Look for him to move in January to a Championship club near you. Or he'll bide his time and wait for QPR to get relegated (inevitable) and take the number one jersey once Julio will have left for greener pastures. Doesn't matter what happens, Rob Green will be back playing in the Championship. Where he now belongs.

Honourable mention: Paul Robinson, for being overweight at a dysfunctional Blackburn.



RIGHT-BACK

Playing out of position, but it doesn't matter, is William Gallas. Once a formidable defensive presence for Chelsea and France (World Cup finalist 2006), it all started to unravel for the unlike-able William after he did his best impression of a 2-year old against Birmingham for Arsenal. He then joined Tottenham on a free transfer (another bad sign) where he seemed to come alive again.

Now? An overpaid defender who loves nothing more than to blame his team-mates once a goal comes in. It's never William's fault. Except it tends to be.

Gallas has just realised he's irrelevant

Honourable Mention: Hello Alan Hutton! Once a highly-rated right-back for Rangers and Scotland, then a mitigated success at Tottenham, you are now officially in no man's land. Congratulations. You are officially worse than Eric Lichaj or Matthew Lowton. Wow.

CENTRE-BACKS

Why change a winning partnership? Two years ago Birmingham were winning the Carling Cup with a superbly combative performance by Scott Dann and Roger Johnson. This was after a solid season in the Premier League when both performed at a high level to help Birmingham stay in the league on the back of very solid defensive performances. Now? They are both languishing in the Championship.

Johnson had left the relegated Blues to join Wolves. A quite sensible choice at the time, with McCarthy's team seemingly on the cusp of Premier League respectability. It didn't quite work out as planned. Johnson was promptly named captain, performed abysmally, didn't even train hard (he was called out publicly by McCarthy) and ended the season on the bench, relegated and demoted. And no-one wanted him this summer. Quite a fall from grace for someone seemingly on the verge of the England squad and who cost £7m.

Scott Dann was his partner in crime at Birmingham. Funnily enough he also left for £7m. But whilst Johnson's move to Wolves at the time made sense, Dann's move to Blackburn was just incoherent. After all, Steve Kean was in charge. That should have been enough of a deterrent really. That's a massive sign. If you're joining for the manager, then I'd like to welcome you to my own team Scott. I don't manage it, no-one does (that's Sunday League), we're called Steua Needarest and we're a joke. See the similarities with Blackburn?

Both are now in football's purgatory. Good luck getting out boys.

Johnson and Dann: their best times were under McLeish. We should have known they'd end up on this list. By the way, doesn't 'Johnson and Dann' sound like a horribly-acted 80's cop tandem series? Exactly my point.

Honourable mention: From the World Cup to Stoke's reserves. How is it all going for you Matty Upson? Still rubbish? And don't think I didn't see you at Boro, Jonathan 'best defender of the generation' Woodgate. You're rubbish, end of story.

LEFT-BACK

Of course there were a few good candidates for the left-back slot. At the rate his Liverpool career is going, look out for José Enrique's appearance in next year's team. The same can be said of Andre Santos who will soon make Pascal Cygan and Oleg Luzszhszhzshzny look like world beaters. He is that bad. But it's still too early for Andre Santos. His work here isn't done yet.

And so it had to fall on Stephen Warnock. I actually remember being quite excited by Warnock's appearance as a youngster in Liverpool's team a few years back. He had passion and a bit of skill due to having successfully played in centre midfield on loan at Coventry. It seemed like he was going somewhere.

And there were a few groans when he was sold by Benitez to Blackburn for only £2.5m in 2007. He wasn't a young pup (26) but he still had promise. He was a success at Blackburn, becoming a mainstay of a solid squad. He then made a good career move by joining Martin O'Neill's Aston Villa where he quickly became the startin left-back. He even made the 2010 World Cup squad, even though that was mostly due to Leighton Baines's desire to stay close to his mommy and not go to South Africa. But still, it wasn't that much of a shock when he was named in the squad, even there was a collective prayer by all England fans hoping that Cashley wouldn't get injured.

I honestly don't know what happened since. Maybe the arrival of McLeish didn't help. But even though I find the Scot's football philosophy and style disgusting, he normally brings the best out of his defenders. So no clue what happened to Stephen Warnock but it's gone badly. You need proof? he's on a 3-month loan to Bolton Wanderers. Wow.

Stephen is now at Bolton. Talk about going nowhere.

CENTRAL MIDFIELD

We've decided to go with a two-man central midfield partnership. You know what's a shame about our choices? Both are English and both are still young. There is hope still, although I believe there is more hope for the oldest of the two.

The first players is Tom Huddlestone. Still only 25 (!), Tom has fallen into obscurity. His talent actually isn't in question; he's a gifted passer of the ball and a very sensible player. So why did he make the team?

It just appears he is lacking dedication. For years his build was a negative point: slow, cumbersome and let's just say he's never struck me as a player who takes really good care of himself. Of course injuries haven't helped him, but if your lifestyle isn't the best then injuries will come more often. This statement is mostly due to the fact Tom never had a long-lasting injury, he's always had small ones. That's not testament to his ability to keep fit. But there is still hope. But Huddlestone has now become an afterthought.

Tom has just seen a pie in the third row. Don't go there Tom, it's holding you back. Remember fat Ronaldo.

His partner in midfield is Jordan Henderson. Jordan is still only 22 and yet I hold such little hopes of him ever becoming a valuable player. What scares me with him is that he's already got 5 caps. That's 5 more than Leon Osman, who's been doing the right things for at least 5 seasons. Henderson has never done 'it', not even for a game.

4 goals in 70 games for Sunderland never struck me as showing incredible potential. We don't know what Jordan is; a holding/central/attacking midfielder? He's not gifted in any of these categories. Henderson is just an average player and I fear he will stay the same. We know one thing he is though: a flop. At £16m he ranks just behind El-Hadji Diouf and Andy Carroll as the worst high-spending transfers Liverpool have ever signed. Seriously.

Now? He's been deemed not good enough to dislodge Shelvey, Sahin, Allen and others. He was even played at right-back in the Capital One Cup where he had an appalling game. He's even more an afterthought than Huddlestone at Spurs. A shocking, overrated player who's now become irrelevant.

A sight which makes me shiver: Henderson in an England shirt. Not gonna happen anytime soon. One hopes.

RIGHT WINGER

He used to be exciting. Now he lingers at QPR. No, it's not Adel Taarabt we're talking about, although he would have made a decent contender. We're of course talking about Shaun Wright-Phillips. I remember when you used to run down that right-hand side every week for Man City. Sure, you couldn't cross the ball to save your life, but you had one hell of a shot on you. You used to score some cracking goals. And then you went to Chelsea. You blazed a trail for every young English footballer not to follow, except that some have (Adam Johnson, Scott Sinclair). And the you went back again to Man City, where you failed horribly. And now you're at QPR.

You know what the worst thing is Shaun? You haven't progressed a single bit since leaving Man City in 2005. You still can't cross, you still have no footballing brain, you're still so limited in skill. 7 years later and you're no better. Of course you managed to win 36 England caps. But if Henderson can win 5 then you can win 36 I guess. That's not a compliment by the way.

And now you're at QPR, heading towards the Championship. And you don't even start for them. You're finally where you belong. But it's still sad.

You'd think this would be a flattering picture, you skipping past Givet. Except that he's now in the Championship. That means I'm pretty sure my gran can go past Givet. And that also shows the last time you played for QPR. Kudos Shaun.

Honourable mention: Scott Sinclair has only been at Man City for a couple of months but we all know he's heading nowhere. We hope you enjoy your fat paycheck Scott, because it's probably the only thing which allows for the destruction of your burgeoning career. A special mention for Theo Walcott as well. You're not worth £75k a week and you still haven't progressed. Arsenal fans won't really care if you leave because a) they have the Ox and b) you'll just join a club and do the same thin (aka cross to the third post).

ATTACKING MIDFIELDER

Again a French player playing slightly out of position. We give you Florent Malouda. Once a World Cup finalist with France and an exciting left-winger for Chelsea, Florent has decided since 2011 to stop giving a damn about football. His performances were so wretched for Chelsea and France during the last season that he's now been sent to play with the Reserves for the year. With no more pace, no desire and what looks like no ability, Florent has seemingly given up on football. And the worst thing is he's portraying himself as a victim of Chelsea's youth policy. You're telling us no-one made you an offer this summer when Chelsea were willing to let you go for free?

Malouda is simply happy to cash in. He's doing what we call a 'Winston Bogarde'. And you know who I fear for? Chelsea's youngsters. Simply watching a 32-year old washed up player come every day with no enthusiasm simply to cash his cheque is not a great example. Sad but not surprising from Malouda.

The tweet which struck fear in Chelsea's youth team.

Honourable mention: What's happened to you David Dunn? And please Joe Cole, can you stop eating pies?

LEFT WINGER

There really was only one candidate for this spot, and we're delighted to announce that Stewart Downing has made the team. That's what happens when you go do the opposite of what Ashley Young has achieved at Manchester United. No goals, no assists, a penalty miss and a potential change of position to left-back. All that whilst losing your place to a 17-year-old girl (Raheem Sterling is a bit camp) after managing to cross the ball properly to a 6ft 3 pole (Andy Carroll). There are no excuses for you Stewart. It's just shameful  You cost £20m, you're worth about £3m now. On a good day.

Is a comment even needed here?

STRIKER

There were quite a few choices available here. But we've decided to go for a Ballon d'Or winner in Michael Owen. Once feared throughout the world after his times at Liverpool and Real Madrid, the little man decided after injuries at Newcastle to go into semi-retirement at Manchester United. He never really contributed and alienated his loyal fanbase, supposedly because he was 'ambitious'. Hey, Michael! Signing to sit on the bench isn't ambitious. Especially for a player of your stature.

After 'leaving' (also known as 'being released') by Man U, Owen entertained offers for his services. Except no-one came. Absolutely no-one. Only Stoke did. For him to sit on the bench there. Despite his 40 goals for England, and still only 32, Owen is now officially worse than Cameron Jerome and Jonathan Walters. What a fall from grace. And it's all down to you Michael. You settled. Now live with that and enjoy the tarnishing of your legacy.

You've waster the end of your career. Now enjoy being fourth-choice at Stoke.

Honourable mention: I thought of putting Andy Carroll in there but it's too early to judge. The obvious candidate was also Fernando Torres. I've highlighted his name because he deserves to be on this list as much as Owen. Except that Torres actually plays and has scored 4 goals in the league this season. I know, I know, it's still crap but that's still better than Owen.

MANAGER

It's Owen Coyle time baby! Oh how he deceived us! Sure he got Burnley promoted, which is quite an achievement. And then he gave Bolton fans stars in their eyes. All of a sudden their team actually attempted to play football, contrary to what they were being told to do under Gary Megson.. It was beautiful....except they didn't win more than under Megson. I know, shocking. And Coyle still played people like Zat Knight and Adam Bogdan. Wow.

So you lied to us Owen. You told us you were going to make the Reebok a fortress of good football. What you gave Bolton fans in the end was average football and relegation. Kudos. The job is yours/

Can you please stop saying 'the Barclays Premier League' every other second please? We know they're sponsored by Barclays, no need to be their advertising board. Thanks.

Honourable Mention: Harry Redknapp was a strong candidate. From getting away with tax evasion and waiting for the FA to offer him the job on the same day to being sacked and working at Bournemouth six months later. A nice fall from garce.


DIRECTOR OF FOOTBALL

We know English football and the Premier League don't particularly enjoy this position but we thought we'd allow it for our candidate. We need someone who's made big transfers not long ago, all of which have been failures, and has now fallen into irrelevance. We could have mentioned Damien Comolli, because that was his actual role at Liverpool. But we've decided to nominate Kenny Dalglish for the position.

Kenny, in eighteen months, managed to do all these things, albeit with some help:

a) Manage over the most dysfunctional season in recent Liverpool history
b) Turn a once-proud club into a joke, and an unlikeable one at that
c) Spend over £80m on players who will bring back only about 25% of that money if sold
d) Tarnish his own personal legacy by looking like a fool.

That's quite impressive. From backing up Luis Suarez to buying Adam, Carroll, Henderson, Downing and Enrique (none of whom start for the club now, except Enrique on a punctual basis) and being so out of touch with reality, Kenny has achieved the unthinkable by making Chelsea and Blackburn look like well-run clubs.

Worst of all he managed to do all that whilst preaching his gospel and using the emotional attachment many felt for him and for his supposed integrity. It was a shambles and Kenny is lucky he had a distinguished past. For his tenure was shameful. A perfect candidate for the role then.

I just threw up in my own mouth