Wally with a Brolly

I guess it's lucky that we're doing the letters M to O. M.O for Modus Operandi.

I guess these players' M.O was simple. And it consisted of just 3 steps, for most of them:
1) Do well in France, or get noticed somewhere, somehow.
2) Find a struggling club, or one which wants to make a statement.
3) Fail

These players followed that M.O so well they have the dubious honour of making this list. Congratulations to you all.

MICKAEL MADAR

First of all let's get things straight. When a French name is spelled like Madar's first name, it's pronounced Mick-A-L. Not Michael. Now that's the only positive thing I'm going to say about Madar. And it only relates to his first name.

Actually I'll say something else for him. He had improbable hair. That's right, you don't often get to see the words 'improbable' and 'hair' next to each other in a sentence. But in Mickaël's case, it's the appropriate combination.

Madar: the ball ran away from him quite a lot at Everton.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not so considering how the previous lists have gone, Madar wasn't such a bad player at all. A big 6 ft 3 striker with a good touch and decent pace, Mickaël had scored bundles of goals in the old Ligue 1, most notably for AS Cannes (where Zidane started) and Monaco. He had even earned 3 caps for France prior to Euro 96, scoring one goal. But, maybe as a sign of things to come, Madar joined and utterly failed at Deportivo La Coruna, only appearing in 17 games and scoring 3 goals in his lone season there in 1996-1997. A broken leg didn't help though. This didn't stop Everton manager Howard Kendall enthusiastically bringing Madar to Merseyside in 1997.

It's not that Madar was bad. After all, 6 goals in 19 games isn't horrendous. The only issue was that this was achieved over two seasons. I don't recall whether that was down to injuries or just poor ability. Let's just say Mickaël didn't really leave his mark.


STEVE MARLET

I remember Steve Marlet playing for Auxerre in the Champions' League in the mid-90s. From what I remember they were in the same group as Rangers. It was a good game with good players (Brian Laudrup amongst them) and Marlet stood out. He was quick, dynamic, had good skill on the ball. He looked like a very well-rounded striker. And then he moved to Lyon where he was quite successful.

So I remember when Fulham were linked with him. I thought "Tigana knows his stuff, he's going to sign a good striker, he's a French international, this makes sense." Wow. I was completely wrong. With hindsight, the fact I had faith in Tigana is completely baffling.

Steve Marlet: his face epitomises every fan's reaction to his arrival, thanks to the beauty of hindsight.

£11.5m. That's how much it cost to bring Steve Marlet to Fulham. And that was in 2001, so it's probably worth about £15m. That's also known as 3 Nikica Jelavices. What a bad piece of business.

So what did we get with Steve Marlet? 11 goals in 54 games over 3 seasons. Emile Heskey's goal-scoring record for England? 7 in 62. Are you telling me there's much difference between the two? They even cost the same amount of money.

So Fulham bought the French Emile Heskey. Need I say more?

BERNARD MENDY

In France, there's a famous football website called 'Les Cahiers du Foot'. Every year, in opposition to the Ballon d'Or, they hand out what they call the 'Ballon de Plomb', the 'Ball of Lead'. It's handed out to the player from Ligue 1 who manages to combine the worst in career moves, footballing skill and declarations over the past year.


Let's just say Bernard Mendy has won that 'award', and that he's been nominated countless times. He has become a figure of ridicule in France, with terms such as 'he crossed to the third post' associated with Bernard for good reason.

And yet Mendy had it all at one point. He was über-fast, strong and had good technical ability, despite his crossing being atrocious. He was a prototypical early-00s wing-back: a physical baest who lacked any football brain. But Gof was he fast. Roberto Carlos could testify.


But, after years of banter which descended into animosity with PSG fans, Bernard jumped ship to the UK. He had already gone to Bolton on loan during the 2002-2003 season where he had shown tantalising ability. His time at Hull City would be less remarkable.

We got vintage Mendy at Hull. Obviously that team was a joke and didn't have its place at all in the Prem. Bernard was obliging and found his place right alongside the Craig Fagans and Seyi Olofinjanas of this world, looking distinctly average in a team which was horribly out of its depth.

Following Hull's relegation, Bernard was released and joined Odense. In Denmark. Where he became Eric Djemba-Djemba's team-mate. Enough said.

ANTHONY MODESTE

Modest in name and in talent. I know, that was poor. but so was Anthony. To be fair to him, Blackburn were a shambles. He had joined a club where there was no manager. That's right, I don't count Steve Kean as a manager. So Anthony joined a tough club, but that was also his choice.

Wow. That photo just feels so awkward.

Modeste only stayed there for half a season as Blackburn and Kean got desperate. What we saw was pathetic: an incredible number of sitters completely missed and even a red card to boot. 9 games and no goals later and Modeste was flown back to France. He will not be missed.

STEVEN MOUYOKOLO

After Bernard Mendy, Steven Mouyokolo. Kudos, Phil Brown. You signed him from Boulogne, what did you expect?

Pacy and strong, Steven has all you need in a centre-back. Except a football brain and the ability to understand the offside rule. Another disgustingly random and average player at Hull, he somehow managed to make his way to Wolves after Bullard's Boys' relegation. And he managed to play 4 league games for anotehr relegation-bound team. He couldn't dislodge Jody Craddock, Richard Stearman or Roger Johnson. Think on that for a minute.

Average, random. We give you Steven Mouyokolo. A cross between Ronald Zubar and Bernard Mendy. I just re-read that statement. Shocking.

Steven Mouyokolo: we're happy to say goodbye.

ARNOLD MVUEMBA

If I told you Arnold Mvuemba now plays for Lyon in France, I'm guessing this would be your reaction:
1. Who the hell is Arnold Mvuemba?
2. (upon being told of who he is) He's still a professional player?
3. He's playing for Lyon? What's happened to them? No wonder they're not in the Champions' League any more!
4. Doesn't Yoann Gourcuff play for Lyon? Wasn't he meant to be the next Zidane or something?

And you'd be right on all counts.

59 Attack, 44 Defence: the prototypical average midfielder.  Also known as Arnold Mvuemba.

For your information, Arnold Mvuemba was highly rated in his youth. He was Lassana Diarra's midfield partner and shone with him at the U-20 Toulon Tournament in 2004. Unfortunately his time at Portsmouth was nothing to shout about, with a paltry 21 league appearances in two seasons before he went back to France.

Mvuemba's case was just another example of a youngster not fulfilling his early promise abroad. A shame.

CHRISTIAN NADE

Christian Nadé is a striker whose best ever goal-scoring season was achieved in 2007-2008 with 5 goals for...Hearts. If that doesn't show you how bad Nadé is and was the I don't know what else will.

Of course it's not like he joined an incredible club in the Prem. He joined Sheffield United. Under Neil Warnock. And was second choice to Steve Kabba (now of Barnet). Wow.

A rare caption: Chrisitan Nadé celebrates scoring a goal

Nadé did have a brilliant season...by his own standards. 3 goals in 28 Premier League games. Extraordinary. Of course he managed to score against Arsenal, but who hasn't done so over the years? After a frustrating lone season Christian left us to join Hearts, then Alki Larnaca (Cypriot 1st Division!) and last we heard, Samut Songkhram. No idea where that is.

Christian Nadé: the French Christopher Wreh.

LILIAN NALIS

Lilian Nalis is one of those foreign players no-one remembers. Not because he was that bad nor because he was that good. After playing in France and Italy for a succession of relegation-threatened teams (Le Havre, Bastia, Chievo), it was no surprise Nalis was picked by Leicester, themselves an awful team.

So what did Lilian bring to the table? I'm  not really sure. Was he a holding midfielder? Was he an attacking midfielder? The answer is no. Nalis was a central midfielder. Not good enough to hold, not good enough to create. Good enough to run and pass sideways without ever threatening the opposition goal. Except for this one time...


That was Nalis's only goal in the Premier League for Leicester. He then bounced around the lower leagues before going back to France.

CHRISTIAN NEGOUAI

I remember reading an article in the papers around 2002-2003 which basically said 'Who the hell is Christian Negouai? What's he doing at Manchester City? Is he an actual player?'. I kid you not, that was the tone of the article.

So who, or more appropriately, what was Christian Negouai? He's a man who spent 4 years at Manchester City and managed to play a grand total of 6 games. That's 1.25 games a season. Or 105 minutes. Wow. That's all I know. And, let's be honest, that's all I care about. An enigma.

Who are you? What are you? What's your purpose in football? Ladies and Gentlemen, Christian Negouai.

DAVID N'GOG

If I told you David N'Gog was Jean-Alain Boumsong's cousin, then you'd understand that me saying he's the best of the two isn't  a compliment. Especially when what I've just said is a lie. David N'Gog is a worse football player than Jean-Alain Boumsong. Of course they don't play the same position. But I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Now let that all in sink in. David N'Gog is a worse player than Jean-Alain Boumsong. It's a statement which should make every Bolton fan shiver.

David was meant to be a promising striker at PSG. But, faced with a turbulent situation at the club, and his lack of goals (a recurring theme), he left at the age of 19 to join Liverpool. It seemed like a good deal for the Merseyside club: N'Gog was a France U-19 international, had already played at Ligue 1 level and had sparkled for a young PSG side at the Emirates Cup a year ago. He seemed one for the future.

I guess N'Gog was unlucky that he joined at the time Fernando Torres (remember him?) was at the club. I'm not talking Chelsea's Fernando Torres. I'm talking about the Spanish striker who had the world at his feet.

But what was disturbing was that, whenever he played, N'Gog just didn't seem like he had it. Average pace, poor touch, no physical presence, no sense of where the goal was. Just a poor striker.

N'Gog well beaten in the air by Rafael. A symbol of David's awfulness.

After 9 goals in 60 Premier League games for Liverpool, also known as 'the Heskey Ratio', David left to join Bolton. Under the 'magnificent' Owen Coyle (Gary Megson didn't get Bolton relegated. Just saying.) everyone thought that N'Gog would finally flourish. he deceived us all, scoring a superb 3 goals in 33 Premier League games before relegation. That makes Christian Nadé look world-class. And that was achieved even though N'Gog finally started a majority of the games.

Just an awful, awful player. Still only 23, so you know somebody is stupidly going to take a punt on him.

BRUNO N'GOTTY

Bruno N'Gotty was a good player for Bolton. It feels wrong to squeeze him in-between N'Gog and Obertan. What's even more impressive was that N'Gotty achieved all he did at Bolton despite coming there towards the tail end of his career.

After a career spent in some big clubs (he scored a Cup Winners' Cup final winning goal for PSG in 1995), Bruno decided to leave the French shores, where he was unappreciated, to come to England. He stumbled upon Bolton and Big Sam and never looked back.

A big, no-nonsense centre-back with a decent amount of pace, Bruno was one of the players who Big Sam seemed to rely upon the most. He was influential in bringing crucial defensive solidity. And he was dependable too, appearing in 150 games in four and a half season. Whilst people remember the Nolans, Davies and Fredi Bobic (ahem) for helping Bolton stay up, N'Gotty perhaps had as big a role as anyone by marshalling a sturdy defense.

Bruno: a success at the Reebok

Finally, aged 35 he left Bolton to join Birmingham and then Leicester. He was still valued at both clubs and performed well despite his advancing years.

Bruno N'Gotty: an underrated French success.

GABRIEL OBERTAN

Gabriel Obertan is also known as 'The Second Coming of David Bellion'. Except he's doing everything the other way round, going from Bordeaux to Manchester United before moving up North. The only constant between the two is the lack of talent.
David Bellion was a highly-rated youngster in France, at Cannes? So was Obertan, at Bordeaux. Bellion played for Manchester United? So did Obertan. Bellion played in Geordie-land, at Sunderland? So did Obertan, currently at Newcastle. I'm telling you, they're so similar it's crazy. Add the premature baldness and lack of talent and you'd have to check their DNA.

For once Gabriel is looking up. Shame he doesn't know he's lost control of the ball.

Gabriel thinks he's such a great dribbler he's perfected the 'head-down' move: Take the ball, put your head down, try and dribble. There are usually two endings to that move:
a) Lose the ball
b) Cross to no-one

Obertan has perfected both. I think a £5 bet on him going back to France and to a club like Brest or Bastia is a good bet. Truly average.