Wally with a Brolly

Tired by all the shenanigans from Transfer Deadline Day, we've decided to give you this alternate reality version which wouldn't be out of place in Total Recall with Colin Farrell. Of course I haven't seen the film, am not interested in doing so, but it's the only film title where I could slip in 'Redknapp'. because he's the king of transfers. Or so he thinks.

6.00am: Pini Zahavi, fresh from celebrating being the Super Agent (trademark sign) at Mahiki and getting completely drunk, wakes up with a hangover. He's too tired to notice the bar of soap on the bathroom floor and he slips, breaking his hip. The Savoy immediately calls the hospital but Pini forgets his iPhone 5. He won't have a part to play in Transfer Deadline Day. Shame, he was meant to accidentally bump into Fernando Torres and Diego Simeone at the same restaurant.

6.15am: Jim White of Sky Sports News wakes up, goes to the bathroom, and practices his elocution in front of the mirror for the next 25 minutes. That's dedication.

6.20am: Harry Redknapp wakes up, takes a shower, goes out to walk the dogs and comes back with a handful of croissants for his wife. Just like every other day. 31st January is a routine day for Harry.

"What day is it today? Why does it matter?"

6.30am: Excitement in the Sky Sports News studios as Macclesfield Town make an approach for Rooney. John Rooney of Barnsley that is. The Sun doesn't care and prepares a front page stating "Rooney to Macca" with a photo of Wayne with Paul McCartney until a trainee spots the mistake and tells his boss.

7.00am: Christopher Samba makes his way to Anzhi's training ground, walks into Guus Hiddink's office and summons a press conference to start at 8.00am. A mischievous smile appears on Christopher's face and Guus is worried.

7.10am: Harry Redknapp arrives at QPR's training ground. His car is suddenly approached by Sky Sports News's resident QPR Transfer Deadline Day goon. The 'reporter' asks Harry to open his window. Redknapp refuses and simply drives on. These reporters have no sense of privacy. It's time to get to work.

7.20am: In Brazil, Kia Joorabchian has finally completed the signing of Marzipanho, a 16 year-old from Palmeiras. He convenes a press conference and announces in all seriousness:

"I have acquired 33% of Marzipanho today for £1m. With that I bought his right leg and his left wrist. I believe this to be a great investment for the future and am delighted with the acquisition of a third of a person."

A sports journalist enquires as to what Joorabchian thinks of FIFA rules regarding third parties, to which the agent replies:

"There are rules for agents (laughs) and then there are rules for Kia Joorabchian. Just ask the FA, West Ham and Sheffield United."

Neil Warnock chokes on his morning pie whilst Joorabchian rushes to the phone and calls David Gold. The West Ham owner replies that he'll have a £10m offer for Marzipanho ready in the evening. "But not before 11.55pm at the earliest." Kia Joorabchian doesn't care. He's going to make £10m off a right leg and a left wrist. And there are rules for agents, and rules for Kia Joorabchian.

"How much would Messi's toe cost me? Not the big toe, the little one."

7.30am: Marzipanho is interviewed by a feverish Sky Sports New reporter. What's the meaning of his name? "If Aguero can call himself Kun because he loves Tekken, I can call myself Marzipanho. I just love Marzipan."

7.40am: Kun Aguero gets a call from his agent regarding Marzipanho's comments. He turns off the PS3, goes to GAME, buys Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 8, and announces his decision that he'll now wear 'Goku' on his back.

8.00am: Christopher Samba enters the Anzhi conference room, where he is faced by 3 journalists. He makes the following statement:

"I know my name has come up in transfer rumours in the last few days. I would like to deny all these. I intend to stay at Anzhi at least until the end of my contract. My community work in Dagestan is too important to me to simply throw it away and move to London. I have always worked with the intention of fostering good inter-community relations in Dagestan. I hereby announce that 74% of my wages will go to the Christopher Samba Foundation I have just created with Samuel Eto'o today. I thank you for your attention."

"Thank you Anzhi fans! I look forward to fostering peaceful relations between different ethnic communities in Dagestan" (sounds of Ak-47s in the background)

8.10am: In his plush Mayfair pad, Brian Swanson, Sky Sports's chief reporter, wakes up to the sound of 'A beautiful day' by O2, but then discovers that his shower, which is run by his ipad, doesn't work. He runs to the Apple store in his pyjamas, where an employee tells him that his ipad will be back to normal in two hours. Swanson moves to a local church and prays to Steve Jobs, hoping that the Apple employee was right.

8.30am: Just before starting training, Harry Redknapp gives his daily press conference, in relation to Samba's declarations:

"I don't know where these rumours came from. I said when I came to this club that there are too many overpaid players. If anything, I always stick to what I say. So why would I add Samba? We're in here for the long-term at QPR, and the club's financial health is too important for me to risk anything by signing new players. I'm all about internal improvement; I really despise managers who only bring their favourite payers to every club they manage. I have a good team here, and we're working on tactical tweaks. I don't want to divulge too much, but we're thinking of a 3-5-2 with Park Ji-Sung and Armand Traore as wing-back and Shaun Derry playing as a sweeper in that '3'. I saw Italy do that with Daniele de Rossi at Euro 2012 and it worked well. I like to watch international football and get inspired by what other managers do, so we won't sing any new players. That's it boys."

8.50am: A thread appears on the Sky Sports News ticker announcing that Ed Chamberlin and Gary Neville have been sacked and replaced by Richard Keys and Andy Gray respectively. After a few minutes of chaos, Sky releases a statement indicating that they've been hacked and will sue Keys and Gray. The two former Sky Sports pundits rush to the Ecuadorian embassy in London where they are welcomed by Julian Assange with the cries of: "Your battle for sexism on the airwaves is reminiscent of the great crusades led by Martin Luther King and Gandhi!" The duo gets ready to address its supporters from the balcony. Their declaration is attended by a dustman and a drunk.

"Please give a round of applause for two rebels: I give you Andy gray and Richard Keys!"

9.15am: During training at Cobham, John Terry gets bollocked by Rafa benitez for tackling Juan Mata from behind. JT leaves the pitch and goes straight to Bruce Buck's office where he hands in a transfer request, stating "It's Rafa or me!". Buck chooses Rafa and sends the transfer request to every chairman in Europe.

9.30am: More transfer activity at Chelsea, where a £15m bid for Jon Obi Mikel by Stoke is accepted. The Nigerian is rushed into a Mini and is on his way to join Rory Delap. Tony Pulis announces that he plans to play Mikel in the 'number 10 role', adding that that will allow him to finally play Charlie Adam on the left wing.

10.00am: Arsene Wenger wakes up. It's going to be a decent training day at Arsenal. There's still a lot to play for this season. Arsenal are only 4 points behind in the Champions League Spot Cup. Arsene can smell silverware coming to the Emirates. Just like every season.

10.30am: Mario Balotelli, seemingly on his way to Milan to join AC, turns the plane around (he was piloting it) and heads back to Manchester. He jumps out of the plane, rushes to Mancini's office and declares his undying love and loyalty for his manager, saying that he'll change his way before running off to the training pitch to work on his pressing. Mancini and David Platt look at each other, laugh, and promptly put Balotelli on the transfer list for half of the original price. "If he's becoming easy to manage then there's no point having Mario around. He's greatly disappointed me", says a distraught Mancini.

"So you're sensible now? Get out! Get out of my club!"

10.45am: Bobby Zamora is seemingly on his way to Aston Villa on loan for the rest of the season. "I need game time if I want to make the England Squad for Euro 2012", says a beaming Bobby. Paul Lambert agrees before buying a 19-year-old centre back from a Romanian 3rd division team.

11.00am: Brendan Rodgers explains his signing of Philippe Countinho: "I'm happy we finally signed Joao. Moutinho is a great midfielder, he's in his prime and he's been recommended by Mourinho. It's a great signing all round."

11.15am: Joey Barton tweets the following: "Like Nietzsche when he debated infantilism with Freud, I've decided that €1 for a baguette is way too much. I'm not that rich. Big up to @theofficialloicremy."

11.30am: Chelsea only get one transfer offer for John Terry. It comes from Millwall, along with an offer of a £5,000 fee and the following explanation: 'We are interested in John Terry not only for his leadership, but most importantly for his charity and community work. We also hear he gives great tours of training grounds.'

In a related development, the entire Millwall team puts in a transfer request upon hearing of the possible arrival of JT to their club.

11.45am: Terry is still hesitating, both insulted and honoured by Millwall's interest. Meanwhile, the Millwall fans are protesting in the street. The 13 year old boy who racially abused Marvin Sordell holds a piece of paper saying: 'No JT at Millwall. We r not scum."

12.00am: At QPR's training ground, Redknapp works on his 3-5-2, constantly repositioning Shaun Derry as a sweeper, and delighted with the results. He's informed he'll have to hold another press conference in an hour. Harry sighs, but he understands these are the demands of his job. He hates being such a modern football manager, but he agrees to the press conference.

The new De Rossi in Redknapp's tactical revolution.

1pm: Mark Lawrenson is interviewed on the BBC regarding Arsenal's lack of transfers during the transfer window. He has the following to say: "Arsene might not have bought anyone but he needed to get rid of some players first, and he's done so. The loan of Gervinho to West Ham was the right decision as the Malian was rubbish." Lawro gets told off by Garth Crooks for getting it all wrong. A drunk and desperate Colin Murray chokes on his fish and chips (he's let himself go).



1.15pm: Redknapp arrives late to his press conference ("We were just finalising the 3-5-2. Bosingwa doesn't like playing centre-back even though I think that's where his future lies."). He has this to declare about players potentially leaving: "I'm not going to keep players against their will. Some players won't get to play much and I understand that they want game time. That's why we've let Bobby go and Rob Green will leave on loan to Accrington Stanley. Apart from that I'm delighted with the squad I've got."

1.30pm: Gareth Bale is unconcerned by rumours linking him to Real Madrid and other big clubs. After working in the fitness room, he goes to the club's swimming pool and practices his diving. He's given himself a 9/10 today. Good but still not his best. He's saving it for the week-end.

1.45pm: Blackburn announce the arrival of Steve Kean as manager after Michael Appleton leaves the club to join Wolves, who have just sacked Dean Saunders after two games in charge. "We felt Steve had the experience and skill required to lead our team back into the Premier League" says Shebby Singh before getting on a plane to Mumbai to film his latest porno. Blackburn fans are too numb to protest.

"I have faith in Steve Kean."

2pm: Nottingham Forest announce the simultaneous signings of Lee Bowyer and Stephen Carr. McLeish explains his decision: "At 36, both players are in the prime of their careers. Lee is the Championship's most creative midfielder and Stephen has an incredible ability in scoring goals from right-back."

Notts Forest fans then see Jimmy Bullard arrive at the training ground for a 5-minute medical with a view to a 3 year contract.

2.15pm: David Moyes on his team's lack of transfer activity: "I love my team. Yes we don't have great depth but I have faith in all my players. I have a superb relationship with my chairman and, even though he's working his butt off to get me some money for transfers, I'm not going to jeopardise the club's future for short-term success." Harry Redknapp agrees wholeheartedly when told of David Moyes's words.

2.30pm: Sky Sports's reporter at Stoke turns up ill and can't produce. Up steps one of the little rude boys in the background, who comments on the goings-on with a few 'bruvs' and 'allow it'. It's compelling viewing.

Guy on the right doing a 'sign': Sky Sports's newest reporter.

2.45pm: Jim White goes all red as he announces that Millwall finally sign Anton Rodgers from Brighton. "We're not worried about the allegations against Anton at the moment. He is an upstanding individual and a future pillar of the community."

Millwall fans cheer whilst continuing their protest against John Terry's possible arrival. The fans' peaceful nature comes out once again as they organise a sit-in.

3pm: Balotelli finally agrees a 5 year deal with AC Milan but ends up in tears. Mancini declares: "After his change of heart, I just couldn't see myself working with Mario anymore. He's not the man I thought I knew." David Platt and Brian Kidd do what they always do and nod in the background. David helps himself to another pie before commenting unfavourably on Costel Pantilimon's fitness.

3.30pm: Mikel completes his transfer to Stoke as Cameron Jerome heads the other way as part of the deal. Ray Wilkins, interviewed on Sky Sports News, declares: "I am sad to see Jon Obi leave. He was always a lovely, respectable young man. My word Chelsea might regret this. Having said that, Cameron Jerome is still a lovely man and a good player. He'll surely come in as Chelsea's second striker behind Demba Ba."

Fernando Torres cuts his hair in anger at another demotion.

3.45pm: At Stoke's training ground, the new Sky Sports News reporter Danny tells everyone around him of Mikel's arrival and Jerome's departure with the following words: "Mikel at the Britannia! That's well buff! But Cameron's gone! What the f**k? Tony Pulis is a ****************." Jim White doesn't apologise and adores the heartfelt reporting.

4pm: Angered by Jerome leaving for Chelsea, a crowd gathers at Stoke's training ground. The fans' spokesman, a 16-year old boy with his face fully covered by a hoodie, declares: "Pulis don't know what he's doing. Getting rid of Jerome! Is he 'aving a laugh? We want Mamady Sidibe back!".

We want Mamady back!

Pulis comes to the fans, is subjected to a torrent of abuse and throws his hat in despair. The hat gets burned by the Stoke fans who now openly ask for Pulis's sacking.

4.15pm: Andrey Arshavin meets with Arsène Wenger, asking Arsenal to help him find a club. Wenger replies that he can't let him go as the transfer window is not open. Arshavin calls his friend Kerimov, the owner of Anzhi, who quickly puts in a £35m bid of the little Russian. Wenger refuses it, believing team balance vital and thinking Andrey has a role to play as second-choice winger. Ivan Gazidis awards himself a 25% bonus.

4.30pm: Wigan approach Las Palmas with an offer for their winger Roberto. A £250,000 deal is concluded and Roberto Martinez calls it a 'marquee signing'. Dave Whelan smiles and thinks the new signing will sell at least 25 shirts at JD Sports.

5pm: Alan Hutton arrives at Mallorca where he quickly acclimatises to the local surrounding, heading straight for the local Irish bar, ordering haggis (the only one in Spain apart from at Magaluf) and saying 'dos cervezas por favor' before smiling to himself.

"Donde esta el pub?"

5.30pm: Hitting back at criticism from certain fans regarding the influx of French players, Alan Pardew says: "we've bought all those players for half a Carroll!". A leak confirms that all signings are graded according to the 'Carroll scale'. Graham Carr explains: "Moussa Sissoko was worth around 7.4% of a Carroll." Andy doesn't let that criticism sting him as he downs his 5th Jagerbomb of the day.

6pm: Harry Redknapp drives back to his house, where he greets his wife with a tender embrace. He then turns his phone off ("no need for it now") and makes his way to the kitchen, where he proceeds to cook a mean Chicken Tikka Masala for his wife. Jamie and Louise come for dinner and they all reminisce about the times when Jamie was wetting the bed when he was still 15. It's a lovely evening all round for the Redknapp family, away from the troubles of life.

6.30pm: Jim White has reached apoplexy as he delivers the news, out of breath, that Alex Baptiste is having a medical at Crystal Palace. It's captivating stuff, especially as Jim doesn't let his deteriorating health deter him from carrying on. A medical team installs an IV and Jim perks up. Beautiful.

7pm: Sam Allardyce has just realised he's bought too many strikers and the balance of his team isn't right. He promptly puts in bids for four centre-backs, the smallest being 6ft3 tall. But David Gold reminds him that they also intend to sign Marzipanho for £10m so his budget will be limited. Big Sam doesn't care and his moustache grows back in an hour.

7.15pm: Not exactly transfer news but Phil Brown is in talks to take over at Ebbsfleet. "It's a great project", says a clearly drunk Phil in a Birmingham bar.

"Ebbsfleet is where my destiny lies"

7.30pm: Man Utd have been awfully quiet on the transfer front, but there are rumours that Sir Alex Ferguson is in talks to buy any referee that comes to Old Trafford. These are denied by the referee's association, but an investigative journalist points out that Clause 74.6(3) of the Official refereeing Guidelines states:

"When at Old Trafford, Referees shall exercise their discretion in allowing a minimum of 3 minutes of added time's added time. This shall now be referred to as 'Fergie Time' (see Definitions). The Referee shall confer with his fourth assistant who will kindly enquire as to what Mr. Ferguson believes is the right time limit before making his decision."

"I'm just applying the guidelines"

7.40pm: Man Utd and Man City have emerged in an unlikely battle for the services of the promising James Ward-Prowse from Southampton. The Saints were willing to let him go for £5m, even though he's 17 and played 5 Premier League games. But then Southampton realise that James is young and English, and ask for £12m plus add-ons. Both Manchester clubs reach an agreement and try to woo the player. In other news, Wilfried Zaha has signed for £15m at Man Utd.

8pm: Brian Swanson shows all the developing transfer news on his giant ipad in the Sky Sports News studios. Unfortunately for him, the ipad freezes before uploading a video of Brian Swanson, Jim White and a clearly drunk Kirsty Gallacher dancing to Gangnam Style naked at Sky's Christmas Party. The video goes viral and hits 1,000,000 view on YouTube within 5 minutes.

"Wait. What is that coming on screen now?"

8.30pm: Reading, Fulham and Swansea are noticeable by their absence in the transfer rumours. All three clubs release a unified statement saying: "We are all devoted to running our clubs properly and therefore see the transfer window as a hindrance. Our managers all have faith in the players they bought last summer, and we don't want to destroy our teams for short-term success until the end of the season." Everton quickly add their signature to this document. It is revealed that QPR were not contacted.

8.45pm: Tony Fernandes, on behalf of QPR, agrees a deal for Christopher Samba for £100,000 a week after meeting Anzhi's £12.5m release clause. Samba rejects the offer, stating once again that his community work in Dagestan is more important and that he wants to leave a legacy in Russia.

Anzhi fans celebrate by shooting their AK-47s in the air as they sing the Congolese national anthem in Samba's honour.

9pm: John Terry, fresh from refusing Millwall's offer, meets Bruce Buck. In a surprising move, Abramovich's lackey sacks Rafa Benitez and re-hires Di Matteo with Avram Grant as his assistant. Michael Enamalo moves on to the director of football role in a major reshuffle at the club.

The new Director of Football

9.30pm: Swansea approach Man City with a loan offer for Scott Sinclair, with a view to a permanent transfer for £2.5m. Man City accepts but Sinclair refuses, stating: "I am happy at Man City. My appearances have been few and far between but I have just bought myself a Jag, and now I've got a lot of free time on Saturdays and Sundays to watch a bit more telly. I couldn't be happier."

Mancini breaks his coffee mug in anger. David Platt helps himself to another pie.

10pm: Arsène Wenger goes to bed. It's been a nice day for him.

10.30pm: In a move which will delight Man City fans, Carlos Tevez and Goku sign new contracts until 2022. Tevez states: "Soy muy feliz y pienso que Manchester es la mejora ciudad en el mundo. Soy muy feliz aqui", which translates as "I'm really happy and I think Manchester is the best city in the world. I'm really happy here."

Mancini puts Tevez on the transfer list. Kia Joorabchian smells an opportunity and offers £15m for both his legs, but only £50 for Carlos's neck. Both bids are accepted by Manchester City.

11pm: After watching Dad's Army, Harry Redknapp goes to bed and reads Rinus Michels's biography, thinking "That man was a tactical genius. If I get to achieve only half of what he achieved I'll be a happy manager".

11.30pm: Things are hotting up in the Sky Sports News studios as Jim White announces the following ground-breaking deals:

- Scott McDonald from Middlesbrough to Raith Rovers on a free
- Paddy McCarthy from Crystal Palace to Crawley for £1m
- Yann Kermorgant from Charlton to Leicester, and then back to Charlton after being pelted with eggs and treated to a rendition of the Kermorgant song.
- Michael Appleton resigns from Wolves to become assistant manager at West Brom.



11.55pm: It's crunch time in the transfer window as Kia Joorabchian and West Ham agree a £10m deal for Marzipanho's right leg and left wrist. West Ham also confirm the arrival of Simon Charlton, Bruno N'Gotty and Nicky hunt to bolster the back-line. Jack Collison is allowed to go to Swansea for £500,000.

11.58pm: Finally an exciting signing. Willian moves to Anzhi for £35m and on £275,000 a week. He declares:

"Once I heard Anzhi were interested, I got on the phone with Christopher Samba to see how we could work together, not only on the football pitch, but more importantly for the Chris Samba Foundation. I also declare that I will give 0.5% of my wages every week to his foundation." Suleyman Kerimov, the Anzhi owner, joins Abramovich in receiving the FIFA Award for humanitarian purposes from Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini.

12.01pm: Jim White makes his way to the hospital in an ambulance screaming "Beckham to PSG! Beckham to PSG!" whilst Brian Swanson lights a candle in Steve Jobs's honour and prays at the Church of Scientology. Transfer Deadline Day is over.