Wally with a Brolly

We're delighted to welcome Ronster to the team at Wally. Ronster is the guy who writes like he plays football: he's flamboyant, eccentric and yet somehow precise. You'll get that once you get to the insane musical part of his article. Also, did you ever wonder if someone could use the term 'monarchical'when talking about football? Ronster can.

He'll be our Ligue 1 and La Liga expert and reporter as time goes along, but here is his first article on Ligue 1, telling us why we should watch it, and perhaps why we also shouldn't. Here is Part I. 

OK, it's obvious people know nothing about Ligue 1 apart from Beckham and Joey Barton. How would you describe Ligue 1 in 5 keywords?

Gloooooooria, I’m gonna shout it all night Gloooooria !!

5 keywords? Hmm… Few for such a great league, full of upcoming talents, great stadiums and recognized by many as Europe’s best in recent international accomplishments. Almost got you didn’t I ?
1. Defensive (-)
2. Archaic (-)
3. Monarchical (-) (OK, to English people that is not necessarily bad, but I’ll explain this choice of word later on, check out Part 2)
4. Improving (+)
5. Indeed full of young upcoming talents (+).

Newcastle fans are definitely watching Ligue 1 now. They're in it.

 
Who do you support, and why? Tell us more about your club.


And the wondeeer of it all, it that you just don’t realize hoooow much I love youuuuu.

I won’t make this long, since an article on my club is coming up soon on Wally, but my club of heart is Stade Rennais. Always good, never great, always in the top 10, never in the top 5. Think of us as the French equivalents to Everton. You might have heard from us in recent years for bringing future “stars” in the spotlight (Petr Cech, Sylvain Wiltord, Jimmy Briand, Yoann Gourcuff, Anthony Réveillère, Andreas Isaksson, Alexander Frei, to name a few, all came from obscure clubs or our famous youth academy before being snipped away by bigger, greater, shinier clubs).

Great hair Petr, great hair. No wonder you wear a helmet now.

If you had to convince people to watch Ligue 1, what would you say?

Allons enfants de la patriiiiiiiie, Le jour de gloire eeeeeeest arrivéééééé !!

Hey, you like football but hate ze noisy Germans, spit on ze diving Spaniards and you don’t give a damn about ze Italians and zeir catenaccio and stupid haircuts (wink wink Balotelli, Boateng, El Shaarawi, and basically the whole Milan team: even Abbiati can’t get a proper one): Welcome to France my friends, here we have Beck’s but don’t drink it. Instead we have wine and we have an opinion on everything.

Hate seeing this? Watch la Ligue 1!

 

Which players playing in Ligue 1 might ring a bell to Premier League fans (apart from the obvious PSG, famous ones)?

Do you remember (ouh) those… special tiiiiimes, They’ll just go on and on in the back of my miiiind

One name, one line or two (crap, I just said “line”. It shouldn’t be long….. aaargh, that’s it ! Adrian, get away from me, I have nothing of the sort you Romanian idiot!) for each player you might know if you’ve only ever watched Premier League and Champions League finals. Ouuuh but I’ve included a Scottish surprise, how very exciting !!!

Jérémie Aliadière (Lorient, CF) – He’s first of this list due to alphabetical reasons, but he’s also probably the guy you know best. Ex-Arsenal “wonderkid”, he’s had a real difficult time to confirm the expectations placed on him, but seems to have really found his pace at Lorient, under nationally acclaimed technician/manager Christian Gourcuff. In a very performing team, playing great football, he’s already bagged 11 goals and 9 assists in 25 games at the time of writing this.

Aliadiere: resurrecting his career at Lorient

Brandao (Saint Etienne, CF) – You like girls, yes ? So does Brandao. Yeeeesss. Poorest finisher of the league (Nicklas Bendtner is a finishing genius compared to him), he is as famous for his glorious misses in front of an open goal than for the scandal of alleged rape he was involved in. Actually, this is petty of me to mention that. He was completely cleared of the charges after it was discovered he’d been manipulated by a heartless woman :’( Anyway, that doesn’t make him a better or worse player, it’s just that you might have heard about it, but this is not what we’re discussing here. Worst thing is, despite is horrendous misses, his terrible first touch, his lack of any control over his right foot, he actually scores. Physically impressive, quite fast for his built, and a normally super effective heading game: 9 goals in 19 games so far in Ligue 1 this season, not bad for someone who I describe as the worst finisher of the league, right ? But with Aubameyang next to him, Mollo and Cohade behind, and the attractive, offensive football played by Saint Etienne, 9 goals is a minimum. Trust me, his nickname “The Beast” only applied to the Ukrainian league he spent 6-7 years in.

Sometimes a picture tells a thousand words. This picture tells me Brandao is a donkey.

Benoît Cheyrou (Marseille, CM) – His brother Bruno scored 5 goals for Liverpool. And that’s worth mentioning.

Not that Cheyrou!

Benoît Costil (Rennes, GK) – Two possibilities why you might know him.
1: You’re into gossip, stars, people magazines etc. Reason: He dated ex miss-France Malika Ménard.
2: You’re gay. Reason: He was voted sexiest football player of Ligue 1 for the 2011-2012 season by gay/lesbian magazine Têtu.

Costil: apparently has a large gay following (insert Rennes fan joke here)

Julien Faubert (Bordeaux, Right wing somewhere) – is it really necessary to write about Julien ? While, as a player, I don’t consider him as being too bad, his career is just hilarious. He was not helped by his numerous (and serious) injuries, but come on… First fired from Le Havre youth academy for basically being a dick, he peaked at Bordeaux as right back, right mid or right winger, no one really knows and neither did he. Good speed and polyvalence = fair enough. But come on… First of all, the Great Raymond Domenech called him up for a friendly in 2006, and gave him number 10. The first player to be given the legendary Platini/Zidane double-digits after the latter retired. Maybe a source of pride on his CV, but what shame I feel in my heart, body and soul just typing that here for you to read. Went to West Ham, went to Real Madrid, played two fantastic games with the Spanish giants, got dropped out of the squad, went back to West Ham, discovered the Turkish League, resigned his contract, looked for a club for a while and joined Bordeaux in January 2013 ‘cause some glory-days-Arsenal-wannabes had just stolen Gouffran from them.

The day the Earth stood still

Ludovic Giuly (Lorient, RW/ST/AF) – Here’s a guy with pedigree. He was often criticized for his small height, and his general lack of talent, but that only started when he signed for Barcelona in 2005. Playing next to Ronaldinho at his best, a young upcoming Messi, an already well-established Xavi, an Iniesta making his mark, a Deco at his best, a Samuel Eto’o at his best, the comparison was immediately harsh. But the little man actually has an amazing list of trophies under his belt. Champions League winner (2006) and Champions League finalist (2004). La Liga 2x, Ligue1 1x, Copa d’Italia 1x, Coupe de France 1x to name a few. And he scored some sensational goals throughout his careers (volley master). So he’s now playing in the sexiest French club in terms of football. He probably won’t win anything with them, but the 36 year old doesn’t give a damn. He plays for fun and for the love of the game. Proof: at the end of the season, he will join “Monts d'Or Azergues Foot”, playing in CFA (English equivalent : League One), which actually renamed its 1.500 ppl capacity stadium to “Stade Ludovic Giuly”. If that is not a SIR to French football….

Giuly: Legend.

Salomon Kalou (Lille, should stay at home but plays AF instead) – OMG he’s sooooo bad !! The guy actually started last year’s Champions League Final against Bayern… Always liked him, never understood why he didn’t have more game time at Chelsea. Now he’s at Lille, I get it. Lazy, weak technically (and I thought it was supposed to be one of his majour strengths), always making the wrong choices, picking the wrong passes, and with a limited shooting ability, he is the most shocking disappointment of this season in Ligue 1. Lille thought they’d managed a huge “coup” in summer when bringing him for free from Abramovich’s blue toy, and now they’re only playing him to try and justify his monthly extravagant pay of 200.000€ per month. Yes, Zlatan also tops the ranking of “highest paid players of Ligue 1” with almost 1.400.000€ per month. Yes, Lavezzi earns 415.000€. Yes, even Alex (PSG, former Chelsea) gets his share of Qatari money too with 340.000€. But at least they perform. 200.000€ for the waste of player Kalou has become this year just makes me want to puke.

I'd put more odds on the fish getting goals than Salmon Kalou

Andreas Laudrup (Saint Etienne, LW) – I’d never heard of him before doing some research for this article. Apparently he played one game this season with Sainté. But he’s the son of Michael Laudrup. That alone is sufficient enough for you to maybe know him. Plus, I’m sure he’s better than Kalou.

Is he more Jordi Cruyff than Paolo Maldini? Who cares? he's a Laudrup!

Anthony Le Tallec (Valenciennes, ST) – Played for Liverpool together with Bruno Cheyrou, whose brother is mentioned above. Also, 5 goals and 5 assists in 20 games so far. 5 points, 5 assists in 20min is considered decent in NBA. Well, I consider it’s decent in Ligue 1 in 20 matches, particularly if you’ve actually won the Champions League with Liverpool in 2005 playing a great game from the stands, and are now the main striker of an average team full of average players getting average results. This sentence doesn’t make sense. Proud of it.

Fear me, my sponsor is a chicken.

Jean II Makoun (Rennes, DM) – He played like 6-7 games for Villa in 2011, after signing for something like £5million, before being shipped out to Olympiakos. AND most of all, he’s got a freaking NUMBER in his name. Legend. (yes, it’s not like Kim Jong-il (where it kinda looks like he’s cool and is called “Kin Jong-ll”) This guy’s name is actually pronounced “Jean 2 Makoun”… Beckham’s official PSG shirt: €120. Thiago Silva: €49million. A ticket for Tranmere Rovers vs. Oldham Athletic at Prenton Park : £17.50. Having a number in your name: priceless.

Kim Jong-il: tried to be as cool as Jean II Makoun. Just couldn't. No number in name you see.

 Joris Marveaux (Montpellier, DM) – Magpie-Sylvain’s older brother. Good defensive midfielder. 2011-2012 Ligue 1 champion with Montpellier. He’s been injured a lot since then, so hasn’t played much this season, but decent player. Basically "average +" everywhere. No weak points, but no specific competitive advantage either.

Joris Marveaux: doesn't play with his brother at Newcastle. yet. After all, he is French.

Bernard Mendy (Brest, RB) – Mendy, Mendy, Mendy... Trophy of 2004 Ligue 1 best right back. Trophy of 2006 Ligue 1 worst player. Went on to play for Bolton, Hull and Odense (Danish league).

Bernard Mendy's traditional cross: head down, aiming for the third post.

 Adrian Mutu (Ajaccio, ST) – well this guy you must know. Romanian icon, Chelsea player under The Special One, he-who-was-bought-for-£15million was infamously “released” from the club a year after his arrival for failing a drugs test for cocaine. After a great come-back with Fiorentina between 2006 and 2011, Mutu signed for Ajaccio at the beginning of the 2012-2013 season. During his first press conference, he challenged Ibra saying he was not in pre-retirement in Ajaccio, and he would score more goals than the big Suede by the end of the season. As of 7th March, Ibra has a tally of 22 in 24 games, to Mutu’s 7 in 18. He made a fool of himself in January against Valenciennes, missing a panenka from the penalty spot. In his defence  he’d scored Ajaccio’s early first goal and got a player excluded at the hour mark, five minutes before actually scoring a well taken 12 yarder which was asked to be retaken. The retake was hilarious.

After a couple of crazy partying days, Adrian asks where he's landed.

 Jérôme Rothen (Bastia, LM/CM) – Actually, Rothen is far from being so. The former French international, finalist of the 2004 Champions League with Monaco, is enjoying a very decent spell with Bastia. Ajaccio’s archrivals are ahead of the latter in the League, and Rothen, with 3 goals and 4 assists, is not a stranger to Bastia’s relatively satisfying season. Another wasted young talent, his left foot was our French equivalent to Beckham’s right, but injuries and bad Karma (tough times during his spell at PSG, which he joined after rejecting offers from Chelsea, Man U and AS Roma) resulted in a slow downfall for the now 34 year old. He played a massive 8 games for Glasgow Rangers in the 2009 season, for an also impressive yield of 0 goals. Yaaaaaaaay that was my Scottish surprise :D

Rothen: Ronster's 'Scottish surprise'. Rangers fans were surprised. At how s**t Rothen was.

David Rozehnal (Lille, CB) – ex-Magpie. Didn’t speak French well enough, so he went to Lille to practice.

Henri Saivet (Bordeaux, AF/ST) – Ever played Football Manager, you know the man. Starting to get some game time with Girondins, and doing well.

That's all you knew about Saivet.

John Utaka (Montpellier, RW) – essential to a Montpellier side who won the Ligue 1 in 2011-2012 (their first title in history), he made weird choices : former clubs include Al Moqaouloun, Ismaily SC, Al Sadd Doha (before Qatar was a fancy destination for elderly, and he was only 19), my dear Stade Rennais (where he enjoyed a great spell for a winger: 28 goals in 75 appearances) and Portsmouth. Four seasons there without major personal achievements, but an FA Cup in 2008 and an FA Cup final in 2010. A solid, decent player, who represented Nigeria many times but sadly failed to make the squad for the 2013 African Cup of Nations, won by… Nigeria.

Who can forget Utaka and Zinedine Dindane at Pompey?

Ronald Zubar (Ajaccio, CB) – Flagged as a future superstar centre back, the Frenchman is a symbol of what happens to decent players on whose shoulders too much pressure is put too young. Discovered in a Caen side which got promoted to Ligue 1 in 2004, he was quickly signed by Marseille (improvement) to be sold at loss three years later to Wolves (regression), to end up now with struggling AC Ajaccio. Average defender, and one major mistake every 4-5 games. Not good enough, but you might know him, so… Made the list, to my honest regret.