Wally with a Brolly

1-Everton-Man City. Sylvain Distin returns to the team he once captained. From a virtual unknown in France to an established, FA-Cup winning defender in the UK, Distin has done pretty well. Can you think of other players who have come with no reputations and established themselves long-term in the Premier League?

Cam: Solid question Monsieur Reynaud. I’d like to credit your compatriot Monsieur Wenger here for transforming dozens of average and unknown players into some of the very best in the premier league. He has done it time and time again over the years and made Arsenal a lot of money, even if he is struggling now. His only problem is that his club keep cashing in on these players.
KD: I think the largest collection of players that must fit into this category are Arsene Wenger’s young Frenchmen. Gael Clichy immediately comes to mind; signed from Cannes in 2003 for £250,000 at the age of 18. Later that year Clichy became the youngest player to win a Premier League Medal and in 2011 moved to the big Sheikh up at Man City for an estimated £7million. I can also proudly list (former) Reading player, Shane Long, who was signed from Cork City in 2005 for £15,000 and sold for a fee potentially rising to £6.5million in 2011. Long was signed by Brian McDermott- recently sacked Reading FC manager.

Reading uncorked a great talent. Pun obviously intended. Thank you very much.

Football Tom: Scandinavia is a wonderful region of the world - lovely and happy and cool and relaxed. Bar Ibrahimovic, their footballers tend to fit that mould and the Premier League is peppered with examples of players who have travelled the North Sea, arrived without fanfare and quietly imposed themselves as stalwarts of their respective clubs.

Ole-Gunnar Solskjaer has to be the poster boy for these great Scandinavian imports. Despite having scored over 30 goals in his debut season at Molde, it's fair to say few outside of his native homeland had heard of the Baby faced assassin: City and Everton reportedly rejected his signature before Ferguson snapped him up. What followed was arguably one of the Premier League's top bargains, with goals and titles galore across a ten year period at Old Trafford. Fergie's super sub isn't the only example of successful Scandinavian signings: Alfe-Inge Haaland had never played a game in Norway's top division when he signed for Forest but proceeded to have a commendable career until that unfortunate 'incident' with Roy Keane. Hyppia and Jasskelain also did a great job of putting Finland on the map for British football fans, and from a personal point of view, Hangeland helped keep Fulham up in his debut season and has since imposed himself one of the league's top defenders.

Oops.

In conclusion, Scandinavia is awesome, produces quality, value for money footballers and always ranks top of worldwide health and wellbeing tables. What a wonderful, wonderful place.

2- Swansea-Arsenal. Arsenal get criticised for their lack of a top striker. What are your views on summer imports Podolski and Giroud? How good can they be for the Gunners?

Cam: Podolski and Giroud’s main problem is that they are not and never will be RVP. In fact they are not even close and Arsenal fans will tell you that themselves. However, they are a lot better than “Mars Attacks” very own Gervinho! Giroud looks half decent, in my opinion he could do with more pace, a better touch and more clinical finishing. Podolski has at times looked like the talented German international he is but has also been played on the wings. At the end of the day they are solid forward players but they are not capable of winning you the championship or champions league.

KD: Well, for starters, both are certainly an improvement on eight goal flop Marouane Chamakh. And certainly better than £10.5million, seven goal striker Gervinho.  And a long way better than £8million, four goal legend Francis Jeffers. At least four goal Julio Baptista was only on loan, and they didn’t pay the £17million that Real Madrid forked out for 11 goals. Then there is Jeremie Aliadiere who, despite a minor resurgence in form in Ligue 1 recently, managed just one goal in 29 appearances over six (granted, many of them as a young lad) seasons. So, whilst Podolski and Giroud may not be Thierry Henry (174 goals in 254 games) or Ian Wright (128 goals in 221 games), I have no doubt they represent an upturn in Arsenal’s own striker scouting form!

Football Tom: Giroud's season in particular seems to suffer from a rather weird paradox in that it feels like a disappointment, but statistically speaking is actually pretty decent. He's scored 15 goals in 40 games so far (and a lot of those were substitute appearances), and also contributed 10 assists. A decent return by anyone's standard, especially for a debut season in England. It might be because he's French, or maybe because he's so earnest and goddamn good looking, but I feel like he deserves a bit more support. A promising debut season.

Sometimes, there's no need for a comment.

My views on Podolski are slightly more mixed. He started brilliantly but seems to have slowed of late. I had previously only seen him play in international fixtures, where he was particularly clinical on those ruthless German counter attacks. Arsenal play in front of teams a lot more, so maybe this isn't ideal for his style of play. Gooners might also have expected a little more leadership from such an experienced player. Overall, a slight disappointment considering his international pedigree.

3- Aston Villa-QPR. Two former international goalkeepers on the bench in Shay Given and Rob Green. What have you made of them over the years, and where do you think their careers are headed?

Cam: I think Shay has had a better career than Rob. But you’re right they are approaching the end of their careers, having both been relegated to the bench for the large part of this season. The fact is Guzan and Cesar are better players, and neither Given nor Green can have any qualms about that. I can see them playing “soccer” in the MLS in the near future where they will be trying to save some “PKs”!

                                              Shay better get used to that type of commentary
KD: I cannot do Given the dishonour and disservice of directly comparing his career with Rob Green’s. Ok, so both have played consistently for established Premier League teams, and Robert Green even played for England!! But, in considering genuine goalkeeping talent, for me, Shay Given is by far and away the better player. Unfortunately, Shay made a mistake in signing for Man City, a move that almost single-handedly ended his extremely dignified career when he was understandably replaced by England’s Joe Hart – perhaps the only man worthy of doing so. I think Rob Green will gradually lose playing time to Julio Cesar, and whichever man Fernandes next spends his cash monies on. As for Shay Given, replaced early into the new season by Brad Guzan, I feel he may have lost his edge and competitiveness and worry for his long term future.

A sign of how low Given has fallen.

Bappo: Shay Given was closer to a world-class goalkeeper than Joe Hart is at the moment, but a combination of loyalty (why stay at freaking Newcastle so long???) and bad choices (Man City, any McLeish team, in this case Aston Villa) cost him big time. And he looked out of date at Euro 2012, where he was simply shocking. But I used to love the man, he seemed like a nice bloke and was a top keeper. He'll probably stay with Villa once they go down, and earn his money in the Championship, à la Neil Sullivan (remember him?). As for Robbo, he was never great to start with, with only a glorious season for Norwich at one point, but he looked good because he had a LOT of work. Now? He'll be QPR's number one next season in the Champo. He's no better than a dozen keepers in the Championship who haven't had a break in the big time yet.

4- Southampton-Liverpool. Glen Johnson keeps on being a regular for England and Liverpool. Does he deserve the stick he gets?

Cam: He’s a solid player but he’s not worth the £17.5m Liverpool paid for him. He’s strong, quick, good going forward and he’s got a good shot on him with both feet. He definitely deserves credit for playing so well at both right-back and left-back this season. However, he is prone to the odd defensive mistake or two.

KD: In England, we have a terrible habit of building English players up from ‘decent prospect’ to ‘world class’ with very little evidence, and then quickly destroying them again once they are ‘established’ because they do not excel immediately in every department:

- Glen Johnson, full back: Extremely good stamina, plenty of pace, a good cross, a wicked shot with both right and left foot and with a decent scoring record for a defender. Ok, so his positioning is not always up to scratch but, overall, he is still a decent defender and yet he is frequently lambasted in the media and in pubs across England for his ‘faults’.

I would like to compare this to:

- Roberto Carlos, wing back: Extremely good stamina, plenty of pace, a good cross and an outrageously wicked left foot shot, obviously. Defensively? Dreadful positioning, a poor tackler, rubbish in the air. Reputation: Legendary left back. Do not even question it.



Ok, so Robbie C is a genuine Brazilian legend, but Glen Johnson is a good player, and he doesn’t deserve his stick, in my opinion.

Bappo: Glen Johnson is, in my view, criminally underrated. Yes, he makes boneheaded plays sometimes. But don't tell me Stevie G, with his series of back-passes to Thierry Henry in the past, or his stupid red cars, never made a mistake. So that's that. Glen is also a very good international right-back. He was England's most dangerous player at Euro 2012 and often played by himself down the right hand-side, never helped by The Ghost That Is Ashley Young. All in all, a very tidy little player who tends to be dependable and injury-free. What more do you need when you're a mid-table side like Liverpool and an average international side like England? Oooooooooh. No he didn't!

5- Stoke - West Brom. Romelo Lukaku has been an absolute beast for West Brom. Which other loanees, past or present, do you think made their clubs regret at having let them go at the end of the season?

Cam: Big Andy Carroll on loan at West Ham is a bit of a joke. Brendan Rodgers doesn’t rate him or want him. He doesn’t fit in with their style of play and now they have Suarez, Sturridge (and Borini – note the important use of brackets here!) so they just need to cut their losses, put it down to an accounting anomaly/nightmare, move on and sell him. Similarly Benayoun at Chelsea is just a rejected loanee that has had no choice but to return to his parent club.

Sorry Bap, now I’ll answer the question:  Sturridge and Wilshere both did very well at Bolton. Klinsmann was an amazing loanee for Spurs back in the day. Staying with Tottenham, an 18 year old Jermain Defoe tore shit up at Bournemouth and Robbie Keane was prolific when loaned from Spurs to Celtic in 2010.

KD: I think without doubt both Liverpool and Chelsea fiercely regretted allowing Andy Carroll and Yossi Benayoun out, respectively. With the Israeli magician making six game-changing appearances for West Ham in 2012 it is clear to see why Sam Allardyce was loath to lose him following a hamstring injury. Big Sam’s loss is Benitez’s gain; I predict Yossi’s influence will be a big factor in Chelsea’s end of season run-in. Rafa will want to use his undeniable talent in the no.10 position that he has made his own since arriving in England. As for Andy Carroll, his three goals at West Ham will have Brendan ruing his decision to allow him to head to East London with no-one at Liverpool showing a particularly clinical streak in front of goal so far this season.

Carroll: you can tell we love irony and sarcasm here at Wally.

Bappo: Klinsmann has to be top of the list. An incredible, club-changing loanee. Not a bad player was he? Others have included Ricardo Quaresma for Chelsea, Andy Carroll for West Ham and William Prunier. Unsurprisingly, you will find that only the Klinsmann bit of that answer was true.

6- Man Utd - Reading. Wayne Rooney: in or out? Brian McDermott: in or out? Your calls on both situations?

Cam: BMac getting the sack was harsh. He is a lovely man and he was very much a victim of his own success. However it is a cruel results’ industry and the ’Ding have lost their last 4 league games; next up is Man U and then Arsenal and they are looking like favourites for the drop. With an estimated £60m riding on survival, you can see why the chairman may have wanted to freshen things up. I think Reading would have gone down with BMac and they will go down without him. At the end of the day, the squad of players just isn’t strong enough. There is only so much a manager can do and we all know you can’t polish a turd! Sorry KD!

KD: Wayne Rooney: In, Brian McDermott: In. Heart strings.

KD is learning to cope with his heartstrings.

Bappo: Wayne Rooney: Out. Just because I want to. I think he's grossly overrated anyway. McDermott? Harsh and unfair, but if they find a good manager like Southampton did with Pochettino, then it'll have worked out for the better. And it's not like he didn't get his chance in the Prem.I like Brian but he never really seemed cut out for the Prem. Definitely not in the suiting up department. Man looked like an amateur.

7- Sunderland-Norwich. If you had to pick 3 players from each side, which would they be?

Cam: This is a big game with only 3 points separating the teams and especially for Sunderland given their defeat to ‘Arry’s R’s last week. From Sunderland: Sessegnon, Adam Johnson, Fletcher. From Norwich: Snodgrass, Bassong and Russell Martin (partly because he has two great first names).

Russell Howard: just pipped by Martin.

KD: Sunderland: Larsson, Adam Johnson (obviously), Fletcher... Sorry Titus, you came close. Honest
Norwich: Ryan Bennett, Anthony Pilkington, Grant Holt

Football Tom: Sunderland:
1. Mignolet: Solid goalkeeper who rarely makes mistakes
2. Stephen Fletcher: Thought Sunderland had overspent on him, but his finishing is really top notch
3. Stephane Sessegnon: Unpredictable but capable of great quality. The most naturally gifted player in both squads.

Norwich:
1. Sébastien Bassong: Strong, athletic defender and always a threat from set pieces. Good signing.
2. Javier Garrido: I'm always partial to small, attacking full backs. Especially when they're latino and left footed. Choice of the heart.
3. Russell Martin: Strikes me as a 'model pro' and someone worth having around the dressing room. Also has the advantage of adaptability at both full back or centre back.

8- Tottenham-Fulham. The return of Dimitar Berbatov to where his Premier League started. What have you made of his season, and his time in England as a whole?

Cam: Top player. Oozes class. Perhaps he doesn’t have the best work rate in the league. Maybe he likes to smoke 20 a day. Sometimes he wears t-shirts that say “keep calm and pass the ball to me.” And he may choose to completely ignore his teammates away from the pitch (see a recent Steve Sidwell interview). But the man has a gift and that gift is unbelievable tekkers! Shame he wasted so much time in his prime on the bench at Man U.

KD: I think he has done quite well at Fulham. I could lose sleep at the thought of his wages (supposedly £110,000 a week), but Martin Jol won’t be complaining. It is beginning to look like Fulham will be safe from relegation for another season, and with the bumper TV rights due next season, I can see Fulham satiating Berba’s wage demands for a bit longer. He may look lazy, but he is class. Some people knock his time at Man Utd, seemingly easily forgetting he finished 2010-11 as top Premier League goalscorer and a member of the PFA team of the year, only to be dropped from the Champions League final weeks later, and was also the first non-Englishman to score five goals in a league match in a 7-1 win against Blackburn.

Do we really care what he does on the pitch when Dimitar is so suave?

Bappo: Dimitar is an artist. The man just does not give a s**t what people think. He's got his own view of how things should be dealt with. Sure, that includes running at 2mph, barely bothering to pass the ball and smoking a pack of cigarette at half-time. But.What.A.Player. He's been criticised this season but he's still going to end up in double figures. For freaking Fulham! I don't see Andy Carroll scoring in double figures. And he's probably earning more. Ouch. Dimitar is the closest thing there is to Zlatan. And he's not too far behind in terms of pure ability. A crime by Fergie to have had him warm the bench for years. A crime against football purists everywhere.

9- Chelsea-West Ham. James Tomkins has been overrated for a while, and I have good reason to believe it's because he's English. Name 3 other players overrated because of their English passport.

Cam: Andy Carroll. Darren Bent. Stewart Downing/Jordan Henderson. Sorry but I’ve decided to put Downing and Henderson together. You’re looking at a total of about £100m there which is frankly ridiculous.

KD: Only 3? (disclaimer: not shit, just over-rated): Joleon Lescott, Jordan Henderson, Andy Carroll. Ok, shit. The total transfer spend on these three players in their most recent moves? £75million.
*Condolences to Gareth Barry who so nearly made the list.

£70m worth of British, home-made 'talent'

Football Tom: Good question. Following the Carroll-Downing-Henderson fiasco, I feel Premier League managers are slowly wising up to the comparative value available on the continent, Pardew being the most obvious example, but the 'British Premum is still very much alive. Here are my top 3 overrated British Players

Joe Hart: Undoubtedly a very good goalkeeper, but his portrayal as the 'best goalkeeper in the world' by Mancini (biased) Wayne Rooney (not very clever) and the British tabloid media (where to start) was gross hyperbole. His season, in the image of City's, has been riddled with mistakes and apparent disinterest. Part of Hart's popularity is that he fits our view of what goalkeepers should be like: loud, cocky, a bit mental. But my favourite goalkeepers have always been those that exude calm confidence, which is why Lloris' excellent first season has been so satisfying to watch. Hart is a very good goalkeeper, but far, far from the best in the world. In fact, he's not even the best in the Premier League.

Joe Allen: When watching Joe Allen, I often wonder how many better 'pivotes' from La Liga one could afford with the £15m handed to Swansea for the Welshman's services. My estimates usually oscillate between four and seven. Sure, he's technically competent, tidy-ish in possession and young in age, but only in the BPL would that justify an 8 figure price tag. The return of the superior Lucas Leiva has coincided with a revival of Liverpool's fortunes, and it's hard to see where Allen will fit in. Grossly overrated, and terribly overpriced (I'm aware he's not technically English, but close enough).

Scott Parker: I contemplated Kyle Walker for his vast defensive inadequacies, but enjoy his swashbuckling runs way too much to place him in here. I've therefore opted for one of England's most likeable, but most overrated midfield players. I actually like Scott Parker: I admire his WWI haircut, I cheer his crunching tackles , I love his McDonalds ads from the early 90s, but the man spends the whole game sliding around on the floor! Tottenham always look a better, more composed side when Dembele and Sandro partner up in midfield. A good player for lower to upper mid table teams, but not what's needed for a top 4 side. Stay on your feet Scotty!



10- Wigan-Newcastle. Gary Caldwell is somehow the better of the two Caldwell brothers. Name some other distinctly average footballing fraternities.

Cam: Good question, this one got me thinking. Craig and Gary Gardner spring to mind. Noel and Stephen Hunt also. Robbie and Baz Savage haha!! You’ve also got to feel for the less gifted siblings living in their brother’s shadows including the likes of Anton Ferdinand, Mikel Alonso and Paul Terry!

Paul: having the difficult task of living with his brother's name.

KD: John Arne and Bjorn Helge, the Riise brothers, spring to mind. John Arne has played at some prestigious clubs (Monaco, Liverpool, Roma), whilst his younger brother has managed Standard Bappo Liege, Fulham and Sheffield Utd. Special mention also has to go to Rod, Ray and Danny Wallace who, for the first time in English top flight football, all lined up the same starting XI for Southampton in 1988. Epic.

Football Tom: When I found out that Philip Degen had a twin brother (David, since you ask), I was intrigued. When I discovered they were identical, I was excited. And when it was revealed that they combined together as a killer full back/winger combo, that sealed the deal. The Swiss De Boers can currently be found 'tearing up' the right wing together down at Basel. BOOM!

- "I play right-wing and you play right-back. - No! I play right-wing and YOU play right-back!"

Other average fraternities include the Olsson twins, the Kalous (yes, the Salmon has a brother, renowned for laziness and wasted potential- sound familiar?).

Quality siblings include the continental De Boers, the towering Toures, the awesome Laudrups and the Bender Brothers (hell yes). This also strikes me as the ideal opportunity to highlight what has to be one of the strongest football chants of the last 20 years, to the tune of David Bowie's Rebel Rebel, an ode to the best United brothers since the Charltons:

Neville Neville, your future's immense,
Neville Neville, you play in defence,
Neville Neville, like Jacko you're bad,
Neville Neville, is the name of your dad.