Wally with a Brolly

With the start of the FA Cup and the return of the Premier League, it was time to have another quick chat with Westy and Chaka Demus. You know the deal by now. Enjoy.

1- The FA Cup finally proper got under way. Out of 10, rate your level of interest in the competition, and why?

Westy: 2 - purely because I have to watch the ITV coverage. Nothing has ever made me appreciate Lawro so much as watching Andy Townsend and Gordon Strachan manage to talk for 4 minutes without saying anything useful.

Why Bappo and Westy don't follow the FA Cup any more.

Chaka Demus: My interest would be a solid 8/9. I love it because it's a pure football competition. 11 versus 11. A tiny team like Hastings Town can play a Championship team like Boro. Magic.

Bappo: 1- sadly I don't really care about the FA Cup any more. That's probably because Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool or Man Utd have won in total 21 of the last 25 finals. I don't care about the old school shocks because they don't really happen any more and big teams don't really take the Cup seriously. Oh, and I'm meant to watch the whole of the FA Cup on ITV? Please.

2- Luis Suarez got a bit handsy once again. Was it cheating to you? And name your top 5 most hated cheats.

Westy: Genuinely haven't seen it yet - I wouldn't be surprised, but the reaction is very over the top. Granted, he deserves this reputation, but would you expect van Persie, Aguero or Torres (were he ever to score) to admit a handball? So why castigate Suarez so much (on this occasion)?

He's no Robbie Fowler!


Top 3 cheats - I can't think of another two to single out.

1) Suarez. For destroying the dreams of all Africa and being responsible for a lot of people hating Uruguay.
2) Carlos Alberto. For me, the Mourinho win at Old Trafford in 2004 was characterised by three things: an extremely lucky and frustrating equaliser, a Paul Scholes disallowed goal when he was played onside by three players, and this man, who covered more yards rolling than running. Thankfully he's rotting back in Brazil now.
3) Drogba. A great player, no denying that, but the fact that a 6'2 beast - the ultimate physical striker - culd never stay on his feet was infuriating.

Chaka Demus: It wasn't as obvious as his handball in the World Cup but it was definitely a hand ball. He certainly had time to get his hand out of the way of the ball. It makes it all the worse that he has done it against a Conference team as well. £600k could have changed that club beyond belief.

Top 5 cheats - 1. That little Argentinian coke addict crazy man. 2. Rivaldo - ball kicked in legs, holds face. SHAMEFUL. 3. Sergio Biscuits - peeking through his fingers when lying on the ground. 4. Gilardino - the worst dive I have ever seen. Milan v Celtic 2007. YouTube it. 5. Marco Materazzi - needed to man up and not make such a meal of what Zizou did. Lolz!



Bappo: Not as bad as his hand ball at the World Cup, although everyone would have done what he did against Ghana. If Rooney/Gerrard/Terry had done it and England had gone through no-one would take a moral high ground. But that's another story. The problem is more Suarez's celebration when he scores despite knowing he got 'lucky'. That and his rat face. If Paul Cox (Mansfield's manager) doesn't blame him then who are we to do so? Of course it's not ideal and I wish it didn't happen but it does happen.

Top 5 cheats - 1. Maradona. Obvious reasons. 2. The guy who dived by hitting his own face with his own hand. Pure devilish genius. 3. Slaven Bilic. For going down like he'd been shot after Laurent Blanc touched his chin with the palm of his hand. Cost Blanc the chance to play (and win) a World Cup final. Shameful. 4. Luis Suarez. See above and rat face. 5. Loads of British players like Gareth Bale and Danny Welbeck. They do dive as well you know.



3- The FIFA Ballon d'Or  was handed out to Messi yet again. But if there was an award for worst player of the year in the Premier League, who would you hand it to?

Westy: Until a few days ago, Shauny Wright-Phillips was nailed on for this, but his goal against Chelsea means that he's now actually done something this year aside from nail crosses repeatedly into Row Z. Sadly I think I have to give this one to Torres. I just don't get how a striker can perform so poorly in a team that good.

Chaka Demus: This is a tough one. I think I am going to say either Andre Santos or Philippe Senderos. Both are truly hopeless.

A typical Senderos tackle. Exhibit A of why Chaka Demus gave him a dubious award.

Bappo: I was thinking of Torres but he's actually scored goals. Then I thought of the whole QPR team but they did have a decent run. I'll nominate three players:
1) Bobby Zamora. For joining QPR because he thought that would bring him to Euro 2012. Tough luck mate.
2) Andy Johnson. For making his living out of one season where he scored 50 penalties and doing his usual 'I join a club and get injured for the rest of the season' trick. Did you say he was one of Fulham's and QPR's best-paid players? I thought so myself.
3) James Collins. Because he has to stop attempting a back-pass.

Out of pure bias I'm going to name Bobby Z as my winner. Serves you right for leaving Fulham for a bigger club. On an unrelated matter, the managerial award would go to Mark Hughes. Can I just say 'Ha-ha!'?



4- What do you make of Harry Redknapp's start at QPR so far? Will they beat his old club Tottenham at the week-end?

Westy: No, because 'Arry taught all the Tottenham players everything they know. No matter the result (QPR will lose), 'Arry will be the one who takes the plaudits...according to him.

Chaka Demus: He couldn' really have done any worse than what was happening at QPR already and he has done reasonably well. They won't beat Spurs this week-end. And they will go down.

Not everyone's cup of tea.

Bappo: He's done OK and he's been lucky - they should never have beaten Chelsea, and they've played bad teams. They won't beat Tottenham and that'll be because Spurs have great players 'Arry brought to the club in the first place; That's what he'll tell us to justify another abject performance. It's really a win-win situation for Redknapp. It's not like he cares about QPR. He has a reputation to uphold you see.

5- If you had to make 3 predictions about the January transfer window, what would they be?

Westy: Chelsea to re-sign Lampard. Arsenal to re-sign Walcott, and immediately put him on the wing. Papiss to rediscover his form now he's the main man again.

Chaka Demus: I didn't want this to happen but the talks of Wilf going to the Manure look to be true which is disappointing. Secondly, Lampard to Utd as well. It beggars belief but I think if Chelsea can be that thick as to let him go then he deserves to go to another 'top club' and with the relatively wak midfield Man Utd have at the moment he would slot in nicely. Lastly, I really hope Michu stays at Swansea but I could see him on the move for enough money...

Lampard's future interests both Westy and Chaka Demus, but they have different views.

Bappo: QPR and Redknapp will bring in new players to 'freshen up the place'. Roberto Mancini to ask for several new players otherwise "Man City won't be able to challenge". And the usual rumours about Balotelli.

6- Which of the recent transfers already completed have impressed you the most?

Westy: No surprises here - Demba Ba has been awesome and just what Chelsea needed, another Drogba. Other than that, Reading's capture of Carriço is pretty impressive.

Demba Ba: a superb yet obvious piece of business.

Chaka Demus: Demba Ba - how Newcastle possibly left that £7m clause in his contract I will never know! Good luck to him at Chelsea...poor Fernando.

Bappo: Mathieu Debuchy to Newcastle for £4.7m. How often do you get an international wing-back (he played all 4 games for France at Euro 2012) in the prime of his career (26) for less than £5m. Ridiculous. And of course Demba Ba. Well played Sir, well played. Can I mention QPR's capture of Tal Ben Haim as well? That was of course a joke.

Debuchy to Newcastle: Bappo argues that Newcastle haven't completely come out as losers in January.

7- Fulham - Wigan and Aston Villa - Southampton at the week-end. Who will be dragged down into the dreaded relegation fight, who will escape, and why?

Westy: If they don't start D dot (Bent), Villa will be. They've been criminally bad recently and seem all over the place defensively. They'll be shaken after the Bradford result as well.

Chaka Demus: Villa. They are a shambles. My senior school team used to defend better than they did against Bradford.

Bappo: Everyone but Fulham, hopefully. In all seriousness, Wigan, Villa and Southampton all have serious weaknesses. You shouldn't avoid relegation when Franco Di Santo is one of your main strikers. Nor when luminaries such as Nathan Baker form an important part of your team. Or when Jos Hooiveld, Yoshida and/or José Fonte play football. But I think Villa are really in deep trouble. They're awful at the back and in midfield (Stephen Ireland still plays football??!!!). Fulham will escape because they have Berbatov, and people should just keep calm and pass him the ball. Honestly.

Just follow the instructions and you'll be OK.

8- Liverpool and Arsenal both face the Manchester clubs. Who has a better chance of making it into the top four this season, and why?

Westy: Erm, Arsenal. If they make a few decent transfers and get Vermaelen back on form then they could yet challenge for third as Chelsea are stuttering. Liverpool are still a bit one-dimensional for me, and I think Sturridge and the other Rodgers signings will take a bit more time to bed in properly.

Vermaelen: if he stops being so laid-back then Arsenal will finish in the top four.

Chaka Demus: Liverpool. Arsenal are too erratic. And as per usual, won't spend any money in January. Other than to break their wage structure to keep Theo. He isn't that good. Ridiculous.

Bappo: I put Liverpool and Tottenham to finish 3rd and 4th respectively in a previous Round Table so I'll have to stick to my guns. With the massive mix-up that is the race for 3rd/4th, anything is up in the air. Who's to tell me Liverpool aren't going to go on a great run like Chelsea did at the start of the season? It's not entirely impossible. After all, they're due one. It's not really an indictment of Liverpool's performances or Rodgers' style but I guess I must go with them. Too many teams will screw up at one point for Liverpool not to have a chance at 3rd. As for Arsenal they're on a path to failure, although I have a sneaky feeling that I'll be proved wrong.

9- If you could make one transfer happen, which one would it be?

Westy: Messi to Weymouth Town. (An unsuccessful attempt was made in France: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2011/mar/10/barcelona-lionel-messi-transfer-bid)

Chaka Demus: Zaha can go to Man Utd if we take RVP. Straight switch. Seems fair.

Bappo: Andy Carroll on loan to Macclesfield Town. Because that's where he belongs and I shudder at the thought of him downing Jagerbombs in Macclesfield's town centre. Mostly because I don't know where the hell Macclesfield is.

10- Reports indicate that 'Fat Frank' Lampard is heading out of Chelsea at the end of the season. What are your views on it and where do you think he will end up?

Westy: I think Chelsea will bow to the pressure from the stands and, rightly, sign him up. He deserves a bit of loyalty from the club that is famous for having none. It's pretty clear that Benitez wants him and he still has a role to play bringing through the younger players from that famous academy...
Still, digs at Chelsea aside, he should stay at the club. Just look at Giggs and Scholes for the benefits that keeping the older pros around can bring. Also, he's actually a decent bloke, and there's not that many of them at Stamford Bridge (ok, there was one more dig).

Chaka Demus: See above. I think it will be a crime if they let him go. Their petulant fans are angry enough as it is. Letting Frank go is only to make them throw more toys out their collective toy box. I could certainly see him at Man Utd. Or perhaps Everton? Who knows...he is a true professional and a gent and I wish him the best of luck wherever.

Could we see this happen?

Bappo: It looks like a game of cat and mouse between Chelsea and Lampard but I'm pretty sure he's gone. All the rumours about him being willing to take a massive pay cut to stay are just rumours. They're good PR so Lamps doesn't look like a d**k when he joins LA Galaxy. And why shouldn't he leave? He'll get a good contract at some MLS club willing to overspend on past glories (hello Thierry Henry & co!), will live in LA (where it's sunny) or New York and will occasionally play football. Not too bad for a 35-year-old man.
As for Chelsea they should get rid of him. He's slow and he's getting injured. Sure he can still play a bit but it's time to give the keys of this team to Mata, Hazard and Oscar. Lampard is just a remnant of an unsavoury (albeit successful) past. And he had too much power. Of course we heard about Terry and Drogba conspiring to get people like Scolari and AVB the sack, but I'm pretty sure Lamps played an active role in AVB's dismissal. The difference between him and someone like Terry is that Lamps has half a brain and good PR skills.
Was that a rant? All in all Lamps will leave and both parties will be happy.



The Week-end's Predictions

QPR vs Tottenham
Westy (0-2), Chaka Demus (1-4), Bappo (0-3)


Aston Villa vs Southampton
Westy (1-2), Chaka Demus (0-2), Bappo (2-2)


Everton vs Swansea
Westy (2-0), Chaka Demus (2-1), Bappo (2-1)


Fulham vs Wigan
Westy (1-1), Chaka Demus (2-1), Bappo (2-1)


Norwich vs Newcastle
Westy (2-1), Chaka Demus (2-1), Bappo (1-1)


Reading vs West Brom
Westy (0-2), Chaka Demus (1-3), Bappo (0-1)


Stoke vs Chelsea
Westy (0-3), Chaka Demus (0-0 PARK THE BUS!), Bappo (1-1)


Sunderland vs West Ham
Westy (2-1), Chaka Demus (2-3), Bappo (1-1)


Man Utd vs Liverpool
Westy (2-1), Chaka Demus 7 GOAL THRILLER! MAN UTD TO SCORE 3 IN THE LAST 10 TO WIN 4-3. SAF TO THEN DO HIS LITTLE JIG. HOW CAN HE STILL NOT CELEBRATE A GOAL PROPERLY AFTER 26 YEARS ???!!!! F*CK'S SAKE. RANT!, Bappo (2-1, with goal for Man Utd in last 10 mins)


Arsenal vs Man City
Westy (1-2), Chaka Demus (1-1), Bappo (1-0)