Wally with a Brolly

Hello boys and girls, we've got great news for the Round Table. KD has arrived as a fully-fledged member of the team and will take over from Bappo in the future. Unfortunately Westy couldn't make it this week, so Bappo and Tom, also a new arrival, are stepping into his shoes this week. Enjoy.

1- Norwich-Southampton. Jos Hooiveld has been a great source of own goals this season for Southampton. Where does he rank in your list of worst defenders this season? Who else makes the grade?

Chaka Demus: This weekend saw Titus Bramble pitted against Philippe Senderos in an epic encounter of who is the biggest clown of a centre back. Hilarious defending all round. Those 2 don't just make the grade, they are its benchmark. Heitinga has been WOEFUL at Everton and the Ninja Turtle Martin Skrtel hasn't fared much better across the park at Liverpool. The entire defence of both Arsenal and Aston Villa are shambolic. Jamie Carragher is in his retirement year but I am putting him in due to what was the worst backpass c*ck-up in history which led to their Europa League exit.    

Cam: He is definitely up there. Titus the rapist will always be there or thereabouts as well. Particularly enjoyed his cameo against Lukaku a few weeks ago! And it would be rude not to put Nagasaki and Southampton’s very own Maya Yoshida in there, especially given his hilarious start to the season!

Please come help me!

KD: Jos Hooiveld truly has been remarkably unfortunate this season, but luck can only go so far; I feel poor old Jos suffers from a defensive frailty seemingly found far more often in England’s top flight defenders than on the continent – poor positioning. My other main culprit is Adrian Mariappa, of Reading. An absolute warrior, but all too often found in no-man’s-land. What’s the point in being a fighter if you aren’t landing the punches? I believe genuine tactical understanding and positioning are too commonly knocked from the top of a premier league manager’s priority list when signing a new defender, and all too often by ‘strength’. Sure, strength is great, if you are close enough to your counterpart to use it. All brawn, no brain.

Bappo: Two men who must perversely feel delighted at Hooiveld's horrible 'form' are his team-mates Jose Fonte and Maya Yoshida. They are both absolutely clueless, but Hooiveld is worse. Can't pass a ball, can't mark, can't make up his own mind. I'm not sure any of them know the offside rule. It's quite astonishing that a team's centre-backs are all so shambolic. Of course, I'd also like to nominate Titus Bramble for a Lifetime Achievement Award for his contributions to comical defending. Philippe Senderos and Johan Djourou are obviously welcome additions to this group.

2- Relegation clash as Reading face Villa at the Madejski. If both teams were to go down and you were a rival manager, which players would you pick from each team?

Chaka Demus: Good question. From Villa I would take Guzan, Benteke and Weimann. I would disregard everything between the goalkeeper and strikers and let them play where they belong in the Championship.

Adam Le Fondre is the only Reading player who I think should be in the Premier League (apologies KD)

Cam: Massive game, proper 6 pointer. Unbelievable Bentekkers would be first on the list. How strong is Belgium’s current squad of players?! Also Guzan and Weimann are definitely premier league quality. Regarding the Ding, there really aren’t many stand out players which highlights the good job BMac is doing. I’d probably take Le Fondre, Pogrebnyak and McAnuff.

KD: Sure, I support Reading. But I have no qualms in pointing out that the reason we sit where we do in the table this season is that we lack proper, unadulterated match winners; bar Adam Le Fondre, of course (but he is a super-sub, even if he doesn’t want to admit it!) Our core is a championship side, with potential. As a rival manager, there is one player I would sign, and fortunately he probably wouldn’t be the one everybody else was fighting over: Jem Karacan. He is young, with bags of stamina, a lot of grit, decent pass and great in the air for a little lad. And best of all, he has top class positioning! I think someone could probably pick him up for about £4m if we were relegated and I think that would be a bargain in the long run (Reading turned down a £5m bid from Fenerbahce two seasons ago!) As for Villa: Guzan, Clark, Benteke and Weimann.

Weimann and Benteke are proving popular.

Tom: If budget is no issue, then obviously Benteke. However, I'm so certain that Lambert will put a £20M price tag on his head that I'm going to ignore the Big Belgian for this question. So on to more realistic targets. I still think there's a very good player in N'Zogbia just waiting to burst out. He could do nicely for a mid table team that actually play a bit of football. At around £4-5M if Villa go down, I think he could be a snap, and he's still fairly young at 26.  Would love to see him at Fulham, old Duffers is still great but there's only so long the old man shimmy can continue to wreak havoc.

On a side note, isn't Belgium's team seriously good now? A spine of Courtois, Verthongen-Kompany, Dembele-Fellaini, Lukaku-Benteke is an impressive combination of physical strength and technical ability. Outsiders for the 2014 World Cup?

3- Newcastle vs Stoke. Sissoko has been played out of position as a number 10, whilst Cameron James sometimes plays as a left midfielder. Which have been the best and worst players out of position in recent years?

Chaka Demus: The obvious candidate for me is Heurelho Gomes. Spurs decided to pay £7.4 million for him and put him in goal when he actually just applied to be a steward at White Hart Lane. Classic tactical mix-up by Juande!

On a more serious note, David Luiz is never a defender and is much more suited as a defensive mid.

There were many boring and unnecessary comparisons between THEO and G-dot-Bale this weekend but both of them do look good 'through the middle' as opposed to being isolated on the wings.

Cam: This doesn’t really answer the question but the fact that Didier Drogba used to be a massive right-back in France is incredible! Regarding PL players, Gary Doherty springs to mind: strictly centre-back or centre-forward!! Jamie Carragher has displayed great versatility as has Michael Essien over the years. Wayne Rooney also deserves credit as he always does a good job for Man U wherever he plays. I also remember JT and Rio playing in goal for their clubs which was great to see!

Gary Doherty: sometimes a striker, sometimes a defender. Part-time professional footballer.

KD: Surely the best known ‘utility’ man was Dirk. Kuyt was bought for £10m, played one season up front and, like so many other Liverpool signings, soon found to be lacking in a certain department: Quality. Shifted out wide to the right, he actually experienced a fair amount of success in his new position, mainly due to his tireless displays and ability to bail out a succession of mediocre right backs. Other favourites in the wrong place at the right time have been Ba, played out wide toward the end of Newcastle’s season last year and Andre Santos, who was played, would you believe it, on the field!!

Tom: Back when pro was good (you remember… on the PS2…), I once had a friend who insisted on partnering Gerrard and John Arne Riise in the centre of Liverpool's midfield. It was devastating. The Ginger Norwegian regularly scored 30 yard pile-drivers and generally bossed it, much to my chagrin.



Now, 'real football' is obviously a more complex and tactical affair, but I think we are all partial to a case of 'square pegs in round holes', if only because it speaks to the experimental side in all of us. Heskey left wing? Why not.

Failed experiments tend to be easily forgotten, as sensible managers quickly realise their mistakes, but a couple still spring to mind: Maradona's insistence on playing championship left winger Gutierrez (admittedly a good player) as Argentina's right back was bizarre in the first place. But when one considers that Champions League winner and all round good guy Javier Zanetti was available, it seems even more incomprehensible. Back in 2004, shifting Paul Scholes to England's left wing to make way for Stevie Me and Fat Frank was equally unforgivable. When you have a player that good, you build the team around him, not the other way round.

The obvious success story of recent years has to be Toure, from holding midfielder to devastating number 10. Dembele is also a fabulous case study, from gifted but unprolific striker, to brilliant ball carrying midfielder. However, there is one redeployment to trump them all: as Crystal Palace suffered financial difficulties in 2010, Danny Butterfield, a willing but limited full back, was asked to 'do a job' up front. He promptly went on to score the fastest hat trick in Palace's history in 6 minutes and 48 seconds. 'Lad'.

4- QPR-Sunderland. What have you made of Adam Johnson this season? Is he heading the same way as Shaun Wright-Phillips or will he have a better career?

Chaka Demus: Adam Johnson is very hot and cold. He is a bit like Downing or Henderson I think. Surround him with players that are better than him and you will get the best out of him. Surround him with very average players and he will under perform

Cam: Adam Johnson has suffered from his own hype. He was built up as a massive prospect and although he is a solid and technically gifted player, he’s not the wonderkid he was made out to be. He is still young though and rarely played at City so I think he’s still improving. He is similar to SWP; better technically but not as quick.

KD: Adam Johnson. Wonderkid. This boy caught my eye as a young lad when I was managing Arsenal in 2008/09. Needing to find a quick, skilful and under-rated winger to support the recently signed Kevin Doyle, I stumbled across a tricky little fella still plying his trade at Middlesbrough and, seemingly, missed by the dodgy radar of every other Artificial Intelligence Football Manager out there. Fools. Adam Johnson finished the season with the most assists, to support Doyle’s charge for top Premier League goal scorer. Back in the real world, and he has found himself drifting. Such a shame. Martin O’Neill, give me call.

Where Adam Johnson is at his best.

Tom: One of the major disappointments of the season. Many England fans, myself included, looked forward to him transitioning from a 'super sub' to a consistent, top quality winger. The ingredients were there: pace, strong dribbling skills, good delivery and a decent goal per minute ratio at City. £12M actually looked like a decent market price, especially considering the 'British premium' usually paid by teams in the Premier League.

And yet, it all seems to have horribly wrong on Wearside. Johnson seems slower, incapable of beating a man... Some of his deliveries has been Gronkjaeresque! He's chipped in with a couple of goals, but even the most ardent Sunderland fan must admit his performances have been poor. In the same way that joining Arsenal is a surefire way to shed all defensive competence, playing at the Stadium of Light seems to rid players of any semblance of flair (Sessegnon excluded - the boy from Benin has magnificent tekkers).

The comparison with Wright-Phillips is fitting. Here are two players who promised a lot, but ultimately delivered little. Johnson still has time, but Mancini's reticence to start the young British winger, puzzling last year, now feels vindicated. Let's give him another season though. After all, when you're used to combining with Silva, Tevez and Aguero, it can't be easy to transition to Colback, Cattermole and Danny Graham .

Another precedent for Adam: the mercurial Jesper Gronkjaer. Here practising his favourite move: the cross to the first defender.

5- West Brom - Swansea. Jonas Olsson and Ashley Williams have both played very well in the heart of each team's defence. Which one would you rather have?

Chaka Demus: Ashley Williams I think cos he is a beast and Jonas Olsson has a little bit too much of the crazies about him...

Cam: Jonas Olsson. Ashley Williams has had a great season there is no denying that, but Olsson has been consistently performing for a few years now and has valuable international experience.

KD: Ashley Williams is an interesting footballer. I like him, I think he can play. But I almost get the feeling that Swansea’s style of football makes him look good. I would love to see these two defenders switching teams for a season, and observing their progress. I could be wrong, I could be very wrong, but my gut feeling is that Jonas Olsson would slip in to the Swansea back line seamlessly, whereas Ashley Williams may be found wanting on occasion. My gripe with Williams is not a personal one, I just feel that because Swansea dominate the possession in many games (even against the top clubs) so markedly, his potential frailties are not exposed. And what is this frailty that I consider to be lying just beneath the surface of each display from a seemingly self-assured young defender? Positioning. I don’t mean to go on, but I feel for all his passing ability and comfort on the ball, Williams may be missing that tactical know-how that would soon be taken advantage of were Swansea to be under sustained pressure for a long period.

Tom: Jonas Olsson. Exclusively for the hair.

A long, free-flowing Olsson. Am I talking about his hair or his footballing ability?

6- Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson have both been major flops. If you had to choose, which one would you keep and which one would you let go?

Chaka Demus: Although both are improving (not difficult given their normal standard) I would take Jordan Henderson I think. Downing really is hopeless and can do very little with his right peg. Plus, Jordan has magnificent lego hair. Not as good as Mikel Arteta though. #spanishlegoman

Mikel Arteta

Cam: Good question. At the moment Downing. He seems to be getting more game time and rediscovering the old Downing from Aston Villa.

KD: You’re right Bappo, Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson have both been major flops. It is my opinion that neither player has played much worse since arriving at Liverpool just that, for different reasons, both players’ abilities were over-hyped at their previous clubs. Fortunately I feel, for Jordan Henderson, he has plenty of time to build on his weak areas and fulfil his potential. Stewart Downing was never particularly inspiring at ‘Boro and hasn’t had a single good performance for England. At Aston Villa, he was afforded false recognition, almost riding on the back of the success of Villa’s other wingers Ashley Young and James Milner (it is yet another example of Liverpool’s poor recruitment that Young and Milner ended up at Man Utd and Man City, respectively, for almost equivalent money as Downing was signed for). It was no surprise to me that Downing didn’t score many goals at Liverpool, because he has never scored many goals, and he has certainly never been a match winner. Jordan Henderson, on the other hand, was a victim of media hype during transfer window time. As were Liverpool, for that matter! Yes, he had some decent games, at a young age (I particularly remember him owning the midfield when Sunderland beat Chelsea 3-0 at the bridge in 2010), but one or two games doesn’t warrant a £20million transfer fee and the expectation of immediate high-quality performances week in, week out at one of the most recognised clubs in the world. Give Jordan time and I’m sure he will be a decent little midfielder for Liverpool, as will Jonjo Shelvey. Downing, on the other hand, will be a consistently average performer for a couple of years or so, but certainly will not be getting any better, and probably a bit worse as he begins to lose his ‘pace’. Give me Jordan Henderson anyday. If I was Brendan, I would take anything north of £7million for Downing asap.

Bappo: I think what is sadder is that these player's reputations were so overblown to start with. Jordan Henderson was a ball-winning midfielder with no creativity and a lack of goalscoring ability at Sunderland. In short, the only thing separating him from Lee Cattermole was his lack of bookings. As for Downing, he was a non-scoring winger for a free-flowing Aston Villa side. No wonder they both became flops. I have, however, more hope for Downing. He's got good crossing ability, and maybe the self-appointed football visionary that is Brendan Rodgers could see that all he need is a bit of confidence before he starts playing well again. As for Jordan, I see nothing.

7- The match has been postponed, but Fulham were meant to play Chelsea. It's a relatively tame rivalry. Which other rivalries do you think are the worst? And which ones are the best?

Chaka Demus: Crystal Palace and Brighton is a big rivalry which I don't understand. Wigan and Blackburn - I cannot think of anything worse in the world than watching this 'derby' game. The north London derby is my favourite by a long way. There are always loads of goals, frequent red-cards and plenty of banter at ex-players now playing for their rival club. #greedybayor

Cam: Best rivalry – Real v Barca.

Worst rivalry – the blue “hoops” derby: QPR v Reading! Sorry KD!!

KD: For a rubbish rivalry, you need look no further than Reading FC themselves. When a team can proudly claim that they are the ‘only team in Berkshire’, you know the true ‘hatred’ that the closest of rivals feel may dwindle slightly. With Reading’s closest derby matches being Oxford and Swindon, we are not so enthused. By far the best derbies in my opinion are El Clasico and Man Utd-Liverpool. Old school, proper hatred.

Bappo: Rubbish rivalries include any matches between Stoke and a closely located team, or any match including Wigan. As for best rivalries, any match involving Galatasaray, Besiktas or Fenerbahce is a cracker, as is AEK Athens vs Olympiakos apparently. Boca-River sounds great and, from having been to one, PSG-OM is a proper old school rivalry. Barcelona-Real isn't what it used to be.

"Paris we'll f**k you!" And you wondered whether PSG-OM was passionate?

8- It feels like the end of an era at Arsenal, and people have called for Wenger to go. If you owned Arsenal, what would be your next steps?

Chaka Demus: Wenger has been handed a recorded £70m to spend this summer but it is all too little too late. They won't be playing Champions League football next year unless something miraculous happens. Therefore they will not attract £70m worth of talent. I think Wenger will stay until the end of his contract next summer and Arsenal will be as disappointing as they have been this year.

Cam: Wenger – aus! It’s a shame because “Le Prof” truly is an Arsenal legend but there’s no denying Arsenal have been in decline for a while now. I personally cannot understand or forgive the sale of RVP to Man U! Maybe his biggest mistake to date. Plus if Arsenal finish below rivals Spurs and fail to finish in the top four, he surely has to go.

KD: Arsene Wenger. Genuinely the most inexplicably uncomfortable management conversation in the game at the moment. My opinions change so frequently on Wenger’s recent tenure and whether he should keep plugging away or step aside and hand someone else the reins. The biggest question is, if Wenger were to leave, where would he go? His name is almost synonymous with Arsenal nowadays and he has done so much for the club that were branded ‘boring, boring Arsenal’ before his somewhat unexpected arrival oh so many years ago, now. Having said that, if I was in charge yes, I probably would relieve him of his duties. It is a terrible thing to say, especially as I dislike the manager merry-go-round that has kept the LMA ever so busy in recent years. I just feel it is time, and I can only apologise.

Tom: Right, time for a crude Economics analogy.

If Arsenal are the UK's economy (lost decade, angry electorate, no end to the misery in sight etc…), then Wenger is their Osborne - fixated on a strategy that is clearly not bearing fruit, and stubbornly refusing to change course despite accumulating evidence (credit downgrade/getting merked by Swansea at the Emirates).

Arsenal's struggles are a reflection of the quality of their squad rather than Wenger's competence as a coach and manager. They have the 5th best squad; they sit in 5th place. More than a change in manager, Arsenal need serious investment in their squad over the summer. Don't get me wrong, I'm an advocate of prudent economic policy, but exceptional circumstances (like Jenkinson being your best defender - I mean seriously!) call for exceptional course of action.

It's a miracle that Wenger has taken the Arse so far with virtually zero net spending. But now he clearly, clearly needs to invest. £60 M of net spending over the summer should do the trick - a top keeper, a top defender and a top striker. At least Arsene, unlike Osborne, has the money to spend: the club have over £100M  in cash reserves - and having it just sitting there whilst Michu gives your centre-backs the run around is utter madness. Spend, Arsene, spend!

An Economics lesson from Tom to Osborne and Arsenal.

9- We're coming to crunch time in the Premier League with 10 games to go. Name the top 6 at the end of the season.

Chaka Demus: 1. Man Utd 2. Spurs 3. Man City 4. Chelsea 5. Everton 6. Arsenal

Cam: 1) Man U, 2) Man City, 3) Chelsea, 4) Tottenham, 5) Arsenal, 6) Everton.

KD: 1. Man Utd 2. Spurs 3. Man City 4. Chelsea 5. Everton 6. Arsenal

Tom: Almost exactly as it looks now. Liverpool to pip Everton to form a depressingly predictable top 6:
United, City, Spurs, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool

10- Crunch time at the bottom as well. Name the bottom 3 at the end of the season.

Chaka Demus:Wigan, Villa, Reading.

Controversially no QPR - I think they will be rejuvenated after their Dubai bender and win at Saints. (I am just hoping for some late relegation drama really. Plus, if QPR go down their club is ruined and although that would be justified given their ridiculo spending, no-one wants to see a team go bankrupt. I think the other teams could probably handle relegation financially whereas QPR would plummet.

Cam: QPR, Reading and Wigan but I’m really unsure. There will definitely be plenty of twists and turns to come and hopefully QPR can now make it even more interesting following their win over the Saints.

Kingsley the Reading mascot offers a consoling hand to Reading players as they just saw the odds for their Premier League survival go down.

KD: 18. Southampton 19. Aston Villa 20. Reading

Tom: Trickier than the top 6...

20th - Reading lack the quality - defo down (sorry KD…)

19th - Can't believe I'm writing this, but Villa just don't seem good enough either. Incredible how far they've fallen since the MON years.

18th - QPR. I've got a horrible feeling Harry might get them out of it, and consequently proclaim himself the bestest manager ever, but hopefully justice will be served and this horribly mismanaged club will end up in the Championship.

17th - Hope Southampton stay up, and they should have enough to do so. Love their new pressing style. It leaves gaps, but creates problems for teams at every level of the game - see their performance at Old Trafford a couple of weeks ago.

16th - I have a real soft spot for Wigan, and Roberto Martinez in particular. They'll always be on the end of half a dozen tonkings each season, but also put in memorable wins and the odd display of total football. Much more exciting than the mid table mediocrity offered by the Stokes, West Hams (and dare I say Fulhams?) of this world.